If Charlie Weis is allowed to promote, demote, and re-promote himself to Notre Dame's offensive throne, I should be allowed a modest elevation in title. So, effective immediately, I'll be Commissioner of the Big Ten Conference.
Sure, ex-Comissioner Jim Delany wasn't exactly thrilled about the idea at first -- but he felt better once he got a phone call from his college sweetheart: the ACC. Charmed at a return to Tobacco Road, and the box of Casa Magna Colorado Robustos I mailed, it was bye, bye, baldie.
Now that I'm in charge, I'm not wasting any time. Here's a few immediate changes I intend to institute:
Saturday Night Halides. First and foremost, it's time to say primetime -- every week. Starting with 2009-10, the Big Ten Conference will routinely feature marquis matchups, under the coal black skies of the Midwest. Get a parking spot early, and bring extra propane, It's time to drink and grill all day. Here are a few of the 8:00 p.m. smokescreens you can look forward to next season:
Sept. 26: Iowa @ Penn State
Oct. 3: Michigan @ Michigan State
Oct. 10: Wisconsin @ Ohio State
Oct. 17: Iowa @ Wisconsin
Oct. 24: Penn State @ Michigan
Oct. 31: Michigan State @ Minnesota
Nov. 7: Ohio State @ Penn State
Nov. 14: Northwestern @ Illinois
Nov. 21: Ohio State @ Michigan
Drives on Draft. Every stadium, from Champagne to State College will be hopped up and unfiltered, as Commissioner LB liberalizes the concession lineup to feature hand-pulled microbrews with local flavor and ingredients. A few mentionables:
Columbus Pale Ale (Ohio Stadium, Columbus, OH)
Goose island Harvest Ale (Ryan Field, Evanston, IL)
Angelic '99 Shilling Malt Ale (Camp Randall, Madison, WI)
Bell's Best Brown Ale (Michigan Stadium, Ann Arbor, MI)
FreeStone Blonde (Memorial Stadium, Bloomington, IN)
Mt. Nittany Pale Ale (Beaver Stadium, State College, PA)
More on the platform when Last Call returns to the barstool tomorrow...