The Fuse
by Bama Hawkeye on Sep 2, 2011 9:18 AM CDT
in Minnesota
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Print[BamaHawkeye: UPDATED from last year's Minnesota piece, which was an update from Ohio State's 2009 piece...Here's to this being the last update]
From the desk of Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delaney...
I sense the hatred floating through the Big Ten this week. Our Wildcats are traveling to battle pious opposition, and our newest scarlet guard are strengthening our Western border. During a normal year, those two games create a buzz among the citizens. But this year is something different. This year...this week...we must all look to further West and focus our hatred there. This week, we shall begin to teach the fools who oppose us the consequences of their insurgency. Find your hatred...focus it...we must light the fuse of hatred.
Jim Delaney addresses the media at a recent press conference.
We have followed the small rebel army deep into their own territory. Our (Off Tackle) Empire shall slay them in their own home. As the sun reaches its zenith near the Pacific Ocean, we shall wage our battle. I see the question in your eyes. Why must our hatred be so focused? Why must we destroy this band of rebels when there are more powerful settlements to our South? We must destroy these rebels because of the pain that they have inflicted upon us. We must destroy these rebels so that we may turn our attention to the South. Until this band of Trojan insurgents is defeated, we shall never have the opportunity to raid the Southern settlements. I feel your hatred growing. That is good.
Make sure to go back and submit your picks for Week 1 of the Obligatory Predictions Contest. Win the whole damn thing and win cool prizes.
Do not forget...
the 11 point defeat of our Gophers in Minneapolis in September 2010.
the 3 point defeat of our Buckeyes in Columbus in September 2009.
the 14 point defeat of our Lions in the Rose Bowl in January 2009.
the 32 point defeat of our Buckeyes in Los Angeles in September 2008.
the 32 point defeat of our Illini in the Rose Bowl in January 2008.
the 14 point defeat of our Wolverines in the Rose Bowl in January 2007.
the 14 point defeat of our Wolverines in the Rose Bowl in January 2004.
the 21 point defeat of our Hawkeyes in the Orange Bowl in January 2003.
the 24 point defeat of our Lions in New Jersey in August 2000.
the 10 point defeat of our Boilermakers in Los Angeles in August 1998.
the 52 point defeat of our Illini in September of 1996 in Champaign.
These insurgent Trojans have won eleven consecutive skirmishes against our Empire. They must be stopped before they win a twelfth. It is apparent to Darth Kill (Seriously, among the B1G coaches, there could be no better Sith Lord name than that.) and me that the Force is strong in their young padawan, Barkley. Obi Wan Carroll taught him well. But there is much he has yet to learn and Obi Wan Carroll has departed. His training has weakened under Kiffin Fisto. He does not know the full power of the Darkness. Now, while he is under the pull of a weak mentor is the time to teach him the full strength of our hatred. Yes, I sense that you understand.
We have fortified our darkness with the souls of all of our citizens - each ready to wage war against these Trojans. This week, we are all Gophers. From our western border to our eastern. Yes, even our Western members in the cornfields shall be Gophers for this moment - for this battle. We will not fail, because we can not fail. We shall follow the insurgents to their dwelling. And then we will crush them.
Excellent. Let that hatred grow. I feel our combined power getting more fierce. More acute. I sense that the fuse of hatred has been lit. Excellent. Now let it destroy them.
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As if it needed to be said
Bill Mallory, from last week’s article…
…I can say this without getting emotional, but you know we both wanted this game uh a heck, a heck of a lot…but you know both of us as teams fought our ass from the bottom up by god I commend ya, we have a lot of respect for ya, your a damn fine football team and congratulations on winning the title…I’m just gonna to say this – By God go out to the Coast and kick their ass because we’re all damn tired (inaudible…sentence drowned out by screaming Michigan State players)…
The Rivalry, Esq.
Big Ten Football: 3 Yards and a Cloud of Field Turf
That quote / video
can never get enough use.
It never gets to be easy
by chitownhawkeye on Sep 17, 2010 4:54 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
The Hate inside me has built up to equal the wrath of a thousand fiery suns...
I will be tailgating in 6 hours. I will wear my Gopher gear and spend the morning heckling the USC fans who were dumb enough to invite our Gopher contingent to their tailgate.
Then I will scream like a banshee on every defensive snap for the duration of the game. I don’t care how angry the older fans sitting around me become.
me—-‘I have filled my heart with hate’
What?
You left out the 9 point defeat of the Wildcats in 1996 (1995 season).
Not only did USC cheat (Keyshawn, who scored 2 TDs, was later deemed academically ineligible), but the loss prevented the perfect ending to NU’s re-birth season, as NU was #3 in the nation going into the game and might have been raised higher in victory….
I didn't leave it out
Penn State defeated USC 24-7 on 8/25/96. That was the last Big Ten win against the Trojans, almost 8 months after the NW loss.
I watched every minute of that game. It may have been the best one that Keyshawn played, pro or college.
The Rivalry, Esq.
The quintessential Big Ten smoking room.
by Bama Hawkeye on Sep 10, 2009 3:57 PM CDT up reply actions
Ahhh, I see...
….I didn’t get the “9 in a row” list.
I hope Keyshawn played well in the Rose Bowl….he was getting paid enough to demand effort.
I also...
…need to note that Pat Fitzgerald broke his leg in NU’s season finale (I think) keeping him out for the Rose Bowl.
Add the Defensive Player of the Year to the Cats’ defense, and that game turns out quite differently, IMHO….
Fitz's leg was broken in the game against that school out west...
Let it never be forgotten.
Reality has a little-known Northwestern bias
NU prez knows how to get PUMPED
I was there.
It was my fault doing.
Less memorable than Sam Okey's Hawkeye career.
by Kyle McCann't on Sep 17, 2010 12:30 PM CDT up reply actions
Was Fitz going to play corner
Because if not, I don’t know how his presence would do anything to keep Keyshawn Johnson from running all over your secondary.
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
good point
That’s a salient point. Because losing a middle linebacker who won the Nagurski award would have had no impact on the game. Yup, no change in pass rush, or when Keyshawn was in the slot (he was a lot) or when they tried to run on earlier downs setting up the shorter routes on third down.
by surfmen93 on Sep 2, 2011 9:25 AM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
That's a Cool Picture of the Shoe
I can see the Penn State S-Zone. hehe
erm
you mean the LA Death Star Coliseum?
Show them Ohio's here.
by slidingscrapes on Sep 2, 2011 5:32 PM CDT up reply actions
This is the Greatest
Piece that I have ever read on this site. Great job.
In the same vein while the Trojans are mighty warriors, Saturday the Gophers welcome back a mighty warrior in his own right, the leader of the Defense and a guy who will make a huge difference Saturday, both by virtue of his own efforts and by the fact that he is constantly screaming at everyone else telling them where to line up. The following quote will be uttered by this fearless leader, speaking to Lane Kiffin, in the waning moments of Saturday’s battle.
“No more entreating, dog, by knees or parents.
I only wish my fury would compel me
To cut away your flesh and eat it raw
For what you’ve done. No one can keep the dogs
Off of your head, not if they brought me ransom
Of ten or twenty times as much, or more.” —Kyle ‘Achilles’ Theret
Ahli, while I think you are crazy sometimes
I really do wish the gophers the best this weekend. I want the car flags to disappear.
Regards,
tSBB
When asked why he went for 5, Tate responded "..because I couldn't go for 6...".
http://www.insidetheshoe.com/
by SouthBayBuckeye on Sep 17, 2010 11:48 AM CDT up reply actions
appreciate the goodwill
from all parties. And yes, I had a narrow scrape with a pack of wild coyotes, luckily aside from scratches and bite marks all over the place, I escaped largely intact with the exception of my wounded pride.
You're Alive!!!!!
The entire editorial staff was terrified that you’s been killed by a pack of wild Coyotes!
"Bama Hawkeye, you know, the Iowa blogger who actually uses reason and analysis." - Patrick Vint
http://www.offtackleempire.com
by Bama Hawkeye on Sep 17, 2010 1:25 PM CDT up reply actions
No, it happened.
He was resuscitated by a crowd of gophers pounding up and down on his chest and doing CPR…
Keller is currently re-learning how to speak in complete sentences... 808NaNz808 on Arrowhead Pride
"Because one of the great minds of the 21st century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes..." -Leonard Hofstadter from The Big Bang Theory
For all the crap we give Wil Wheaton, he can still tackle better than Asante Samuel...
by OBrienSchofieldismyHero on Sep 17, 2010 1:51 PM CDT up reply actions
WIN FIGHT RESUSCITATION TRY!!
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
by HoyaGoon on Sep 18, 2010 8:11 AM CDT up reply actions 2 recs
This post seems like a great idea...
…right up until the time you remember that right after the Emperor gave the speech you’re quoting from, the Death Star exploded, killing him and leading to the complete collapse of Imperial rule.
Now if you could convince me that a USC win would make the Metrodome explode, then great, but TCF Bank Stadium hasn’t done anything to deserve that fate (other than being home to a team coached by retarded step-Padawan Brewster).
by Findlay Buckeye on Sep 17, 2010 12:00 PM CDT reply actions
Brewster
was expelled from the Big Ten Coaches’ Ruling Council after losing to Iowa State at the end of last season. He’s still trying to gain admission, but rest assured Jim Tressel will bat him away again.
Keller is currently re-learning how to speak in complete sentences... 808NaNz808 on Arrowhead Pride
"Because one of the great minds of the 21st century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes..." -Leonard Hofstadter from The Big Bang Theory
For all the crap we give Wil Wheaton, he can still tackle better than Asante Samuel...
by OBrienSchofieldismyHero on Sep 17, 2010 1:53 PM CDT up reply actions
Actually, I screwed up.
Brewster clearly isn’t a Jedi Padawan, nor was he ever a member of the coaches’ Ruling Council. But there is a figure from the Star Wars universe who completely captures the essence of Tim Brewster….
…Jar Jar Binks.
“Weesa score touchdown? Whooopeeeee!”
by Findlay Buckeye on Sep 17, 2010 4:42 PM CDT up reply actions 7 recs
The 32 point defeat of the Illini in the Rose Bowl
should never have happened, because Missouri should have gone instead of them. The 2007 Illini were amongst the worst Big Ten representatives in Rose Bowl history (according to Craig James, the 1998 Wisconsin Badgers were worse!), which includes the 2003 Michigan team (which got smacked).
Missouri, sadly, is not a member of the Big Ten, and the Rose Bowl neglected to inform the Tigers that they’d be snubbed for an Illini team they generally pwned in St. Louis that season.
Keller is currently re-learning how to speak in complete sentences... 808NaNz808 on Arrowhead Pride
"Because one of the great minds of the 21st century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes..." -Leonard Hofstadter from The Big Bang Theory
For all the crap we give Wil Wheaton, he can still tackle better than Asante Samuel...
by OBrienSchofieldismyHero on Sep 17, 2010 2:36 PM CDT reply actions
i was unaware losing by 6
without your starting qb qualified as getting pwned
When I was a kid, I didn't want to be a doctor or a fireman. I wanted to be Super Mario. It's the most literal pipe dream I've ever had.
Giving up 40 points?
That’s generally the level at which you consider a defense PWNed.
Keller is currently re-learning how to speak in complete sentences... 808NaNz808 on Arrowhead Pride
"Because one of the great minds of the 21st century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes..." -Leonard Hofstadter from The Big Bang Theory
For all the crap we give Wil Wheaton, he can still tackle better than Asante Samuel...
by OBrienSchofieldismyHero on Sep 17, 2010 7:17 PM CDT up reply actions
well that's still fucked logic
illinois put up 21 unanswered points and only lost at the very end of the game. you can say mizzou beat them, but shit obrien, it wasn’t a blowout
When I was a kid, I didn't want to be a doctor or a fireman. I wanted to be Super Mario. It's the most literal pipe dream I've ever had.
Why the heck
did Mizzou give up 21 unanswered points? Did Juice Williams and company play against a soft-as-heck prevent defense?
Missouri was definitely flawed, but they BEAT two teams that went to the BCS. Kansas, and Illinois.
Keller is currently re-learning how to speak in complete sentences... 808NaNz808 on Arrowhead Pride
"Because one of the great minds of the 21st century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes..." -Leonard Hofstadter from The Big Bang Theory
For all the crap we give Wil Wheaton, he can still tackle better than Asante Samuel...
by OBrienSchofieldismyHero on Sep 17, 2010 11:06 PM CDT up reply actions
once again
it was eddie mcgee. juice was hurt.
When I was a kid, I didn't want to be a doctor or a fireman. I wanted to be Super Mario. It's the most literal pipe dream I've ever had.
Missouri couldn't
Only two teams per conference, and Oklahoma and Kansas were going.
The only teams that could have replaced Illinois were Arizona State and Boston College (Missouri and a third SEC team – Florida? – were in the top 14 but you’d have to drop Kansas or Georgia to take them). Each was as putrescent as Illinois, if not worse.
Kansas should have been dropped
as Mizzou had head to head advantage and a division title over them.
Instead, Kansas, which dodged the top three of the Big Twelve S that year, got in and pounded Beamer.
Keller is currently re-learning how to speak in complete sentences... 808NaNz808 on Arrowhead Pride
"Because one of the great minds of the 21st century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes..." -Leonard Hofstadter from The Big Bang Theory
For all the crap we give Wil Wheaton, he can still tackle better than Asante Samuel...
by OBrienSchofieldismyHero on Sep 17, 2010 11:05 PM CDT up reply actions
I agree Mizzou got the shaft that year, a victim of losing the Big 12 title game.
"Everyone who drinks is not a poet. Maybe some of us drink because we're not poets." - Arthur Bach
It let Illini fans chant "BCS" at the basketball game, though. Hilarious.
"Hey Jay, what time is it?"
"9:30"
"AND IU STILL SUCKS!"
by Boiler Bandsman on Sep 2, 2011 12:13 PM CDT up reply actions
Didn't Wisconsin win that one?
Someone needs to put Craig James in a dark shed. Get it? Because he’s a tool.
I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.
by HoyaGoon on Sep 18, 2010 8:13 AM CDT up reply actions 2 recs
Craig James?
Isn’t he the guy who never KILLED FIVE HOOKERS WHILE AT SMU?
"Hey Jay, what time is it?"
"9:30"
"AND IU STILL SUCKS!"
by Boiler Bandsman on Sep 2, 2011 12:13 PM CDT up reply actions 5 recs
ALLEGEDLY!
Editor at BT Powerhouse, a Big Ten Basketball blog.
Author at Acme Packing Company, a Green Bay Packers blog
by OBrienSchofieldismyHero on Sep 2, 2011 4:04 PM CDT up reply actions
The allusion I was hoping for...
The Trojans stole a celebrated Big Ten coach (Iowa’s Howard Jones) in our quest to right this wrong the Gophers fight USC to a standstill with the game tied late in the fourth. Injuries abound on all sides (though curiously they barely make an impact on the quality of Minnesota’s play) and both teams are dragging, when Brewster comes up with a genius idea for a trick play. The Gophers score and subsequently win. Years later an accomplished young conference commissioner and former USC walk-on Chuck Aeneas, who was on the sidelines of this game, vows revenge on the Big Ten, starts his own superconference, and folds all Twelve Big Ten teams into its lower division.
We're riding a three game winning streak against USC!
This includes two straight bowl game wins.
Unfortunately, we seem to have more than enough trouble with the intercine warfare within our alliance and therefore never get to play USC anymore.
Darth Kill
Is possibly the best nickname for a coach I have ever seen.
This must be a meme, and it must be one now.
"I'm crazy? Cyril, you're the one who killed a perfectly good hooker!"--Sterling Archer
by Ted Glover on Sep 2, 2011 9:28 AM CDT reply actions 1 recs
So sayeth the Sith master Emperor Delaney...
“The time has come. Execute order 66!”
by TheHumbleBuckeye on Sep 2, 2011 9:33 AM CDT reply actions 3 recs
Comments from the past becoming new again confused the hell out of me.
"Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.'"
Just like Lucas with the original Trilogy...
….we here at OTE take the original piece and add/change/update it with better CGI/information, without regard to what our fans think.
/In related nerd news, Han Shot First.
by Chadnudj on Sep 2, 2011 9:39 AM CDT reply actions 6 recs
And in my Geek Admission
it was whil watching Kenobi making some sort of weird dragon noise is a clip from the “new imagining” of the original trilogy that I thought, “Hey, I need to refresh the USC/Empire piece. Again.”
"Bama Hawkeye, you know, the Iowa blogger who actually uses reason and analysis." - Patrick Vint
http://www.offtackleempire.com
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author at Off Tackle Empire
and Errant Pass Downfield
@RicardoEfendi
by Ricardo Efendi on Sep 2, 2011 11:54 AM CDT up reply actions
uhh what?
HELP IS ON THE WAY
~Banned at ATO since June 3rd, 2011, 2ish PM PST
by SouthBayBuckeye on Sep 2, 2011 11:57 AM CDT up reply actions
That's Just WRONG!!!
I suppose it could have been worse; what if he said “execute Order Sixty-NINE??” :D
Paddle faster, I hear banjos!!
Just a point of interest
but I’m checking the new BTN2GO site, and it appears you can rewatch ESPN broadcasts there as well, since it has the Whisky massacre available.
In the name of the Woody, the Bo, and the Mustache Ride. Amen.
“Everything I tell you is a lie. Every question I ask is a trick. You will find no truth in me.”
Vergere Les Miles
by CyHawk on Sep 2, 2011 5:38 PM CDT reply actions 2 recs
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