• Your running back is pulled from exhaustion in the second quarter because he's worn out from running up and down the field without pause. "It's like suicides," he gasps before going out and scoring another touchdown.
• Your playbook consists of "Run Left/Right" because hell, it's going to work no matter what, why complicate things?
• Dumpdowns turn into 25 yard gains.
• Dives turn into 15 yard gains.
• Your running back typically gets hit at the line of scrimmage, breaks a tackle, breaks another tackle, and falls forward for a five yard gain.
• The only turnover you'll be worrying about is the piece of pie you have the next day for your victory lunch.

What offensive coordinators see.

Suffice to say, watching Michigan's undersized, brittle, out of position, and generally hopeless defense is about the worst football-related thing I've ever had to go through. There are levels of ineptitude here, just a few that I'll discuss because if I spend too much time on this topic, it'll turn into self-flagellation.

Yardage given up in Michigan's four Big Ten games: 568, 536, 383, 435...for an average of 481 YPG. The three man front, vaguely decent in the occasional run stopping situation this year, was made even more ineffective against PSU with the loss of NT Mike Martin. I'm just not sure the three man front can work in 2010 with this set of players. But I guess this is the system we're stuck with?

On one particularly easy 15 yard Royster run, I think I heard an announcer lament that there were "two Michigan men hitting the same hole." Usually I would have made a crude Debbie Does Dallas remark, but I'm sick of the linebackers overpursuing and being fooled by basic counters, so I guess we'll just move on.

The Michigan Defense does to bad offenses what beer does to average looking women - Makes 'em look great. Never was this more apparent than against backup QB Matt McGloin. On third down after third down, McGloin would roll out and complete 5-7 yard sideline routes to wide open receivers. The Nittany Lions went a ridiculous 10-16 on third downs. After JayPa noticed that yup, this 2010 version of the Michigan defense wasn't stopping anyone, PSU just played devastating small-ball, limiting chances for turnovers and setting McGloin up for easy throws. I don't really know where the Wolverines go from here though. They'll be no firing of defensive coordinators midseason, the depth is almost exhausted, and the schedule gets vicious with Illinois, Wisky, and OSU coming up. So yeah.

/looks for chair

/tightens noose

/scratches "Graham was here" in the ceiling