Who Killed the Big Twelve?

Because oneupsmanship will get you everywhere...

(WARNING! SATIRE AHEAD! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!)

There are teams in college football that make me sick. Most SEC squads do the trick when they go unbeaten. Ohio State occasionally makes me sick to my stomach (especially after the UW-OSU game in 2008). Penn State can do it (thanks for slaughtering the worst Wisconsin team since 2001, guys).

Other teams just make me mad. Notre Dame comes in no matter how they perform. Florida also. But no team can get my goat like the Texas Longhorns.

After the jump:explaining my disgust for the Texas Longhorns... And just take the Shotgun Kiss from the media...

Why does Texas make me mad? Well, let's see here. They get hugely favorable matchups in their postseason games, such as the 2006 Alamo Bowl (which Iowa fans have fond memories of, I'm sure), the 2008 Holiday Bowl, and the 2009 Fiesta Bowl.

The 2006 Alamo Bowl featured a reeling Iowa squad vs. the "invincible" Texas Longhorns. Iowa put up a terrific contest, but came up two points short against the immortal Colt McCoy.

The 2007 Holiday Bowl brought in Pac Ten "co-champions" Arizona State and Big Twelve South runner-up Texas. Texas ran away with the game in the first quarter, scoring 21 unanswered points en route to their third* consecutive bowl win.

(* = I'm arbitrarily discounting the 2005 Rose Bowl, better defined as one of the worst Big Ten champions in recent memory blowing yet ANOTHER Rose Bowl. One of the participating teams had to whine its way in. Sorry, whining into Rose Bowls is NOT allowed under OBrienSchofieldismyHero's definition* of the BCS)

((* = It's a flawed definition, to be certain. Michigan isn't allowed in either, but that's another story.))

Finally, the 2009 Fiesta Bowl. I'm absolutely certain the media crowned Texas the winners before the opening kickoff. Ohio State wasn't supposed to compete.

Wrong. They did. The Buckeyes pulled every trick in the book to try and beat the Longhorns. Then someone felt it would be a great idea to go for two after the touchdowns that put the Buckeyes on top. Not such a great idea, guys, because it didn't work either time. (It is also *highly* inadvisable to give up a rushing TD to the opposing QB, but that never stopped 2008 Wisconsin OR 2008 Ohio State from doing it...)

Finally, the play that secured Anderson Russell as the worst safety in Ohio State history (something he has NOT been able to disprove, sadly). The play that finally gave the Longhorns their much deserved win. McCoy to Cosby. Game over.

No, it wasn't game over. Todd Boeckman trotted out, dropped back and was SACKED. Now, its game over. Now, the media crowns Texas. If not for Florida beating OU, Texas would have been National Champions. Wouldn't they?

The next season comes along. Longhorn partisans remember their great victory over the Buckeyes. They are ranked #2 in the polls, a position they are able to keep for almost the entire season (until SEC teams run their course and annihilate each other in the championship game). There's no running game. Colt McCoy is their leading rusher.

Now, let me stop here. Texas's offense would not have worked in the Big Ten. Why? Because in the late games, it gets COLD when you go on the road. Evanston, Madison, Iowa City, even Minneapolis become frigid. It is not possible to drop back 50-60 times and complete 30-45. It's just not going to happen (unless you're Northwestern, in which case such pinball offensive scenarios are expected). When your QB is your leading rusher, you are in BIG trouble in the Big Ten.

(random stoppage over)

Texas makes it easily to the Big Twelve Championship Game. It isn't even close in their division. OU is gutted by injuries, but still fields a great defense. Texas A&M alternates between blowing out opponents and getting blown out. Baylor is torpedoed by a QB ACL injury in a win over creampuff Northwestern State. Texas Tech goes from highly touted to also ran with back to back losses to UT and Houston (and a whole bunch of others). Oklahoma State is sunk by Dez Bryant not knowing what to say to the NCAA (and the lack of any discernable defense, and a loss to Houston)

Texas passes away from their division, because they haven't found a replacement for Jamaal Charles (they're still looking, by the way). They then come to Nebraska.

Instead of beating the tar out of the Cornhuskers, the Longhorns are shut down offensively. Nebraska doesn't have any offense, but takes the lead with FOUR field goals. A gut-wrenching affair comes down to the final drive. A bad penalty is involved. A defensive breakdown happens. Colt McCoy makes perhaps the dumbest decision since Allan Evri*ge thought Malcolm Jenkins was a Badger: he throws the ball out of bounds. Now, why'd he do that? He should have spiked the bloody football so there'd be no controversy. Fool.

The game is over right? Wrong. Texas gets an unbelievably favorable call that allows them to trot out the field goal team. Hunter Lawrence nails it. Texas goes to Pasadena, Bo Pelini goes bonkers, and the media firestorm begins anew.

Texas has a ridiculous run defense. In hindsight, the run defense NEVER faced an accomplished running team. But at the time, ESPN talked and talked and talked about how amazing Texas's run defense was. How could Alabama hope to compete?

Imagine the following scenario. Your QB, who has anchored your team to all this success, is injured. He cannot feel his throwing arm. He cannot throw the football. In the meantime, your hideously overrated run defense gets absolutely destroyed by the Heisman Trophy winner and his best friend.

It isn't much of a contest. Alabama slaughters Texas until Jordan Shipley remembers that he can be a pretty good receiver when he wants to be. Texas is able to make it close, but they can't pull off the incredible. Alabama is able to get five turnovers: Four INTs, and a royal doozy of a fumble recovery for a TD.

Texas's bubble is burst. Colt McCoy is gone. Jordan Shipley is gone. Many components of their (overrated) defense are gone. Shouldn't they be moderately ranked this season? 10th to 20th range?

No. Texas is ranked in the top ten. Despite losing its best receiver. Despite having their best defensive players leave for the NFL. Despite losing their "wiinningest" QB.

To add to all of this, they torpedo their own conference in the offseason by hinting that they'd like an additional share of media revenue, perhaps their own network, coming across as unspeakably greedy in the process. I hate Texas even more than I did when I started this...

(Final Note: They cancelled their series with Minnesota. Hmph.)

Now, in my semblance of trying to weave all of this together, which Big Ten team would you like to see Texas play this season?

(SATIRE ENDS HERE)