Jim Delany Appreciates Your Feedback

With apologies to and inspiration from Black Heart Gold Pants.

SCENE:  Jim Delany's office, Big Ten Headquarters, Chicago.  The Emperor is chairing a meeting with select Big Ten coaches, AD's, university presidents and fans.  They are discussing the new Big Ten logo, conference names, and miscellaneous Big Ten post-football season business.  Joe Paterno sleeps peacefully at the end of the room.

Angry_delany_medium   So after much consideration, research, field testing, and feedback, all held within the confines of Big Ten headquarters and the University of Chicago faculty cafeteria, we really like the homo-erotic logo and out of date non-sensical conference names, and we're going to stick with them for the 2011 season.  We feel that it resonates well with everyone that is forced to kiss my ass to keep their paycheck, so we are staying with what we needlessy spent millions of dollars and months of man hours on.  Is everyone okay with that?  Fans?  Coaches?

Fan_medium  ...

Serious_tressel_medium ...

Bielema_medium ...

Dantonio_medium ...

Zook_skiing_medium  That's FOOKIN' AWESOME BAAAAABBYY!!  WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  Hey Commish, are we a Legend or a Leader?

Guenther_medium   We're a Leader Zooker.  DO NOT OPEN YOUR STINKING MONKEY HOLE AGAIN OR I WILL FIRE YOU.

Zook_skiing_medium  I just had the greatest 7-6 season in Illinois history.  You can't fire me.

Guenther_medium Damn you Zooker.  Damn you to Hell.

Zook_skiing_medium  I thought you said we were a Leader, not Hell.  SEE WHAT I DID THERE?  I just made a joke about HELL being a division in the Big Ten!!!!  WATCH THIS POSE!!  GOD DAMN AM I TAN FOR IT BEING THE MIDDLE OF WINTER IN THE MIDWEST!!!!  WOOOOOOO!!!!

Fan_medium  Umm....Commissioner?  Us fans don't like it.  Could we talk about, at a minimum, changing the logo?

Pat_fitzgerald_medium  (whispering) Ballsy move generic fan, nice knowing you.

Angry_delany_medium...

Angry_delany_medium...


Fan_mediumUmmm, okay, how about the conference names then?

Angry_delany_medium...

Angry_delany_mediumThese names have been reviewed, field tested, tried, re-tried, and we gave marketing and research firms gobs and gobs of money and they came back with these!!  These firms have told us that these names are GREAT!  WHY DO YOU NOT LIKE THEM WHEN WE ASSURE YOU THAT YOU WILL?

Fan_medium  Because they're about as appealing as a bag of dicks.

Large_joe_paterno_big_ten_media_day_medium   (wakes up) ROB BOLDEN IS NOT TRANSFERRING AND I SHALL DEFEAT ALL OF YOU THRICE MORE BEFORE I RETIRE.  GOOD DAY GENTLEMEN.  (Paterno falls back to sleep)

Angry_delany_medium  So you're saying that my research department and Sycophantic Cult of Personality is wrong? 

Fan_medium w-w-well, uh, yes.  Yes sir, we are.  You see, Legends and Leaders would be fine if, well, if the State of Michigan wouldn't get beat like Sonny Corleone's wife on New Year's Day, and Wisc--

Gee_medium (Interrupting) And if Wisconsin wouldn't lose to the goddamn weak sisters of the poor.  Do you realize that made me look more ridiculous than this fucking bow tie I wear?  Did anyone ever ponder how next to impossible that was?  Anyone?  You, Bielema?  Brandon?

Bielema_medium...

Brandon_medium...

Dantonio_medium...

Hokemania_running_wild_medium THOSE BEATDOWNS ARE OVER, BROTHER!!  SOON I WILL HAVE MICHIGAN BACK TO LOSING BOWL GAMES BY RESPECTABLE SCORES, BECAUSE THAT IS MICHIGAN TRADITION AND I AM A MICHIGAN MAN, BROTHER!!  HOKEMANIA IS RUNNING WILD, BROTHER!!  DRINK YOUR MILK, SAY YOUR PRAYERS, TAKE YOUR VITAMINS, AND ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN I CALL TO RECRUIT YOU, BROTHER.  I HAVE A LOT OF SCHOLARSHIPS LEFT, AND WE'RE RIDIN' THIS THING ALL THE WAY TO INDIANAPOLIS!!  BECAUSE....WHATCHA GONNA DO.....WHEN THESE SEVEN COMMITS I HAVE, ONE OF WHICH MIGHT BE A KICKER....COMES CRASHING DOWN....ON YOU??????

Hawaiian_tress_medium Run off tackle for 99 yards and bitch slap you again?  Just spitballing here.  Like my shirt?  Almost as cool as the shades.  Need 'em for the klieg lights during interviews.  Those things will fuckin' blind you.  Hey, how was life at Sabataw State, Chief?

Hoke_medium...

Hoke_medium I hate you so much, coach from a school in a state that is south of where I am located that I will not say by name, just like a previous coach from that school south of where I am who punched a guy and got fired because of it.

Hawaiian_tress_medium  Hey, next time you're in town you can come look at our BCS trophies.  They're very nice.  The only one I don't have is the Orange Bowl, but that's because we send Iowa there instead.

34012_illinois_ohio_st_football_medium Wilson_medium Kill_medium  What is this BCS that you speak of?

Pat_fitzgerald_medium They're top tier bowls, big time games that big time programs get to go to for particularly outstanding seasons.  Or really good seasons if you have a fanbase that travels like a sumbitch.  Or mediocre seasons that can still win your BCS conference if you're from the Big East or ACC.  Learned all that in Wizardry 101.  SUrprised you didn't know that stuff. 

 Ferentz_medium  We travel well.  We like the Orange bowl.  I love lamp.

Angry_delany_medium  EVERYBODY SHUT UP OR I WILL KILL YOU ALL WITH MY EXPANSIVE PSYCHIC ABILITY.  I AM THREE MOVES AHEAD OF EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM, AS I DEMONSTRATED DURING EXPANSION.

Hawaiian_tress_medium  If you're so psychic, Ace, how come you didn't see that New Year's Day trainwreck coming?  I mean Jesus Twinkletoes Christ, how the fuck could you put Northwestern and Michigan on Jan 1st games and think to yourself "hey, this is a great idea!"  Do you know how much damage control I had to do in Nawlins?

 Pelini_medium RAWWWWR FUCKITYFUCKFUCKSHITHARUMPH RAWWWR HARUMPH SHITPISS BALDERDASH RAWWRRR DANIEL MARTINEZ IS THE ANTICHRIST RAWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fan_medium  Hey, guys!!  Leaders and Legends?  Can we change it?

 Pelini_medium...

Hawaiian_tress_medium...

 Ferentz_medium...

Pat_fitzgerald_medium...

Angry_delany_medium  Looks like Leaders and Legends it is.

 Intercom_medium    Mr. Delany?

Angry_delany_medium  Yes, Mrs. Wiggins?

Intercom_medium    It's a Jamie Pollard from Iowa State.  He's calling to lodge a complaint about prank calls made to him and to enquire...again...about Big Ten membership.

Iconbarta90_medium  Kirk, I'll get the car, you pick up a sixer at the cafeteria downstairs.  Meet you out front.

Ferentz_medium  Yeah, let's go.

(Hokemania photo courtesy of scout.com user umu001)

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