SCENE: Jim Delany's office, Big Ten Headquarters, Chicago. The Emperor is chairing a meeting with select Big Ten coaches, AD's, university presidents and fans. They are discussing the new Big Ten logo, conference names, and miscellaneous Big Ten post-football season business. Joe Paterno sleeps peacefully at the end of the room.
So after much consideration, research, field testing, and feedback, all held within the confines of Big Ten headquarters and the University of Chicago faculty cafeteria, we really like the homo-erotic logo and out of date non-sensical conference names, and we're going to stick with them for the 2011 season. We feel that it resonates well with everyone that is forced to kiss my ass to keep their paycheck, so we are staying with what we needlessy spent millions of dollars and months of man hours on. Is everyone okay with that? Fans? Coaches?
I thought you said we were a Leader, not Hell. SEE WHAT I DID THERE? I just made a joke about HELL being a division in the Big Ten!!!! WATCH THIS POSE!! GOD DAMN AM I TAN FOR IT BEING THE MIDDLE OF WINTER IN THE MIDWEST!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!
These names have been reviewed, field tested, tried, re-tried, and we gave marketing and research firms gobs and gobs of money and they came back with these!! These firms have told us that these names are GREAT! WHY DO YOU NOT LIKE THEM WHEN WE ASSURE YOU THAT YOU WILL?
(Interrupting) And if Wisconsin wouldn't lose to the goddamn weak sisters of the poor. Do you realize that made me look more ridiculous than this fucking bow tie I wear? Did anyone ever ponder how next to impossible that was? Anyone? You, Bielema? Brandon?
THOSE BEATDOWNS ARE OVER, BROTHER!! SOON I WILL HAVE MICHIGAN BACK TO LOSING BOWL GAMES BY RESPECTABLE SCORES, BECAUSE THAT IS MICHIGAN TRADITION AND I AM A MICHIGAN MAN, BROTHER!! HOKEMANIA IS RUNNING WILD, BROTHER!! DRINK YOUR MILK, SAY YOUR PRAYERS, TAKE YOUR VITAMINS, AND ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN I CALL TO RECRUIT YOU, BROTHER. I HAVE A LOT OF SCHOLARSHIPS LEFT, AND WE'RE RIDIN' THIS THING ALL THE WAY TO INDIANAPOLIS!! BECAUSE....WHATCHA GONNA DO.....WHEN THESE SEVEN COMMITS I HAVE, ONE OF WHICH MIGHT BE A KICKER....COMES CRASHING DOWN....ON YOU??????
Run off tackle for 99 yards and bitch slap you again? Just spitballing here. Like my shirt? Almost as cool as the shades. Need 'em for the klieg lights during interviews. Those things will fuckin' blind you. Hey, how was life at Sabataw State, Chief?
I hate you so much, coach from a school in a state that is south of where I am located that I will not say by name, just like a previous coach from that school south of where I am who punched a guy and got fired because of it.
They're top tier bowls, big time games that big time programs get to go to for particularly outstanding seasons. Or really good seasons if you have a fanbase that travels like a sumbitch. Or mediocre seasons that can still win your BCS conference if you're from the Big East or ACC. Learned all that in Wizardry 101. SUrprised you didn't know that stuff.
If you're so psychic, Ace, how come you didn't see that New Year's Day trainwreck coming? I mean Jesus Twinkletoes Christ, how the fuck could you put Northwestern and Michigan on Jan 1st games and think to yourself "hey, this is a great idea!" Do you know how much damage control I had to do in Nawlins?
(Hokemania photo courtesy of scout.com user umu001)