Let's be honest. Two of the easiest columns to write (and get feedback from your readers) are 1) the power rankings column and 2) the pop culture comparison column. Much like that magical day when somebody got their peanut butter on my chocolate (or did I get my chocolate in her peanut butter?), it was predestined that one day these two great columns would be brought together...
War! The Empire is buckling under embarrassing defeats during a mostly hapless non-conference schedule, and has now turned on itself. There are no heroes in Minneapolis or Bloomington. Mediocrity is everywhere. In a stunning move, the fiendish Wolverine leader, General Hoke-oo, has swept into the Empire and kidnapped a win from Chancellor Catholic, leader of the Touchdown Jesus Movement. As the Empire attempts to flee the results of a pretty mediocre slate of non-conference opponents, two Jedi Knights clad in red lead a desperate PR campaign to rescue our collective conference pride….
After the jump to light speed.***
***I am not a Star Wars geek. If you have a better lineup, have at it. Wookies and droids don't count, though.
1. Wisconsin--144 Points (12 First Place Votes)--Emperor Palpatine
A seeemingly mild mannered, likeable politician that morphed into something that looks unbeatable.
"Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design."
2. Michigan, 125 Points--Princess Leia
Everything she knew was blown up by the
RichRod Death Star, and she's been rebuilding ever since. And doing a pretty good job.
"Help us, Obi Wan
Kenobi Michigan Man. You're our only hope."
3. Illinois--117 Points--Han Solo
Han is an offbeat, yet charismatic guy that does his own thing. Sometimes he's a hero, sometims he ends up frozen in suspended animation.
"No mystical energy field controls *my* destiny. It's all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense."
4. Nebraska--109 Points--Qui-Gon Jinn
A well respected Jedi Master who gets whacked early on in the story, when his defense failed him on a visiting planet.
"Don't center on your anxieties. Keep your concentration here and now, where it belongs."
5. Michigan State, 101 Points--Luke Skywalker
A guy with some serious daddy issues, he's been spending his whole life trying to find his own way and be his own man. And you can't tell me those Skywalker crazy eyes aren't the same ones Dantonio flashes half a dozen times on the sideline.
To the rest of the conference: "Your overconfidence is your weakness"
6. Iowa--84 Points, Yoda
At first glance, doesn't seem like much. But pound for pound, one of the toughest Jedi's in the Republic. Er, Empire. Whatever.
"No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try."
7. Penn State, 69 Points--Ben Kenobi
At one point, when he was Obi-Wan Kenobi, he was one of the strongest Jedi's in the galaxy. Now, he's a hermit that lives in a desert. But he still has some fight left in him.
"You can't win, but there are alternatives to fighting."
8. Ohio State, 63 Points--Darth Vader
The ultimate villian, hated by everyone. By the end, though, he's more hapless than powerful.
"Calculate every possible bowl destination along their last known trajectory."
9. Northwestern--52 Points, Lando Calrissian
A guy that lives in the clouds. A minor character that was bestowed high rank upon him for not doing much of anything.
"This deal is getting worse all the time!"
10. Indiana--32 Points, Jawas
Jawas are scavengers that put up virtually no resistance to colonization of their planet. They're good at basketball. Well, they used to be.
"I can't abide those Jawas! Disgusting creatures!"--C3PO
Trader in mostly junk, but has no idea what to do with the talent he does have right in front of him.
"Look around! I gotta lots of a-junk."
12. Minnesota--15 Points, Shmi Skywalker
Spent most of her life as a slave. Once she was freed, she was brutally tortured and died.
"But you can't stop the change, no more than you can stop the suns from setting."