On The Recruiting Trail With B1G Coaches

Oh my, has the recruiting business ever become a popular endeavor these days. Back in the day, these recruiting battles were more along the lines of a special operations type mission. They were behind the scenes, in the shadows, and regardless of mission success or failure, you never even knew about it, unless you knew a recruit personally.

And we had a mission like that yesterday*.

On the outskirts of Mattoon, IL, lives the #1 recruit in all the land..ATH Billy Jo 'Cornfed' Bowe**, and he has expressed interest in all 12 Big Ten schools. He has invited all the B1G head coaches to his house to hear their pitch, and then he will make his decision...

*Didn't happen yesterday. Probably never happened. Definitely never happened.

**Not a real person. But the picture is.

First of all, I'd like to thank you all for coming to my house and jumping through whatever hoops I tell you to. Being 17 years old with power like this is unique. Now, after today's visit is over, I will choose a school and you will be projected to win three national championships because of it. Only you'll have to go fork over some serious cash to read about it, because Rivals, Scout, and ESPN don't give out my pearly thoughts of wisdom for free.

What's a...what did you call it...a national championship?

Something you'll never have to worry about with that doormat program you call football. We've got six of them at the University of Minnesota, Cornfed, and we'd like you to help bring us a couple more.

Holy Jesus, Jerry, how about you join the 21st century? The last time your program won an unshared national championship we were playing with leather helmets, and Teddy Roosevelt threatened to abolish the sport completely.

No Kevin, you're thinking of Michigan.

Oh yeah, my bad. The last time YOUR team was significant was during Vietnam. Watergate hadn't even happened yet.

WHOA JACKWAGON, did you say WATER gate? Who the hell would make a gate made of water? THAT WOULDN'T KEEP ANYTHING OUT...BECAUSE IT'S WATER. Just got back from the gym, been lifting for 14 STRAIGHT HOURS. GODDAMN, CHECK OUT MY BICEPS!!!! Cornfed, you NEED ILLINOIS, YOU WANT ILLINOIS, AND ILLINOIS WANTS YOU!!

Yes, you want to go to Illinois and lose to Minnesota. Two years in a row. No you don't, Cornfed. And Confucious on a corndog stick, Zooker, you got fired about 11 seconds after we whipped your ass. You're like one of the dead people in the house of American Horror Story--you just don't go the fuck away, do you?

SHUT YOUR FILTHY TRAP. I HAVE NOT BEEN FIRED...I AM THE ZOOKER AND I RECRUIT BETTER THAN ANYONE! I HAVE THIS PIC TO PROVE HOW COOL I AM:

Wow, that's pretty cool. I think I might like to play for you, coach.

BOO-YAH! SIGN RIGHT HERE! ZOOKER MAGIC STRIKES AGAIN! CHECK...OUT...ABS...

//RIps off shirt

HNNNNNNNNNNNN

I would rather poke my eyes out. THESE TWO RIGHT HERE, than to ever see that again. Jesus Ronnie, you've let yourself go to hell since you got canned.

Yeah, I know. I quit giving a shit after we went 6-6.

Too bad everyone else quit giving a shit about Illinois football when Red Grange graduated.

Wait...so you did get fired? You really aren't the coach at Illinois anymore?

I AM THE ZOOKER AND I AM INDESTRUCTIBLE! SIGN HERE!!!

Uh, Ron? You can leave now. You no longer speak for the University of Illinois. Yes, he did get fired. It's amazing he hung around for as long as he did, truth be told.

Hey, who the fuck are you?

I'm Tim Beckman, the new head coach at Illinois.

And where you you from, young man?

Toledo. The Toledo Rockets of the Mid America Conference.

AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Toledo, that's some funny shit, bro.

Coach Wilson, how come you're not laughing with us? That's funny.

I coach at Indiana.

.

AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

And why are you laughing, Brady? We beat your goddamn Wolverine team a couple years back.

OH, IT"S GO TIME, BROTHER! I CAN'T WAIT FOR FOOTBALLMANIA, BROTHER. OHIO. BECAUSE FOOTBALL MANIA TIME IS HOKEMANIA TIME. OHIO. WHEN WE GET IN THAT SQUARED CIRCLE, BROTHER, I"M GONNA PUT A 100 YARD ASS WHIPPIN' DOWN, BROTHER. OHIO. SO SAY YOUR PRAYERS AND TAKE YOUR VITAMINS, BECAUSE WHATCHA GONNA DOOOOOOOOO....WHEN THIS 86 INCH BELLY...COMES CRASHIN' DOWN...ON YOUUUUUUUUUUUU? OHIO.

Wow, coach Hoke, you seem really passionate. I think I might like to sign with you.

WOOO!!! SIGN RIGHT HERE, BROTHER. OHIO. PUT YOUR JOHN HANCOCK ON THIS DOTTED LINE, BROTHER, AND WE WILL CONTINUE MICHIGAN'S CLIMB BACK TO GLORY. OHIO. HOKEMANIA IS RUNNIN' WILD, BROTHER!. O--HI--O, BITCHES.

Wow, climb back to glory is 13 home games and a win over the shittiest OSU team in nearly 10 years? And we cleaned your clock again. 4th year in a row. Yeah, that's glory all right. If you consider getting bitch slapped by your in state rivals glorious and your outgoing senior class 1-7 against your top rivals, then yeah, you chicken fuckers are swimming in it. Put on some sunscreen and jump back in.

We finished 3rd in the B1G and are playing in a BCS bowl against Virginia. Ohio. We respect Virginia and we will focus all of our efforts on beating Virginia. Ohio. WE ARE GLORIOUS BROTHER!! Ohio.

It's Virginia Tech, douchebag. But that 'Ohio' thing is kind of funny.

Ohio. Now sign here, kid.

Look, kid, before you do that, let me tell you about the benefits of a Purdue education. We have a world class school, one of the top aviation schools in America...

//stands up, tears ACL

Goddamnit.

//Sobs, tears other ACL...again

Somebody get me to the Purdue Medical Hobby Shop.

//pops collar like a douchebag brah

...cuz' it sure as shit looks like you ain't walking to it, because you've got knee ligaments made of dry twigs. Well, looks like pornstache is out of it. Man, whenever someone suffers a tragedy, all I can say is GREAT TO BE AT YOUDUB,BABY!! And I can promise you that if you want to play quarterback for us, you can do it this season. Unless a big time name looks to transfer and play right away. Then you can next year...unless another big time name wants to transfer in and can play right away.

And then you'll STILL lose to a guy who was so in over his head he needed an extension ladder to get to ground level. AND I didn't lose my job because of it. I mean Jesus, you fell into a barrel full of dicks and came out with a tit in your mouth with the Wilson situation, and you STILL couldn't go undefeated.

//pops collar like a brah

//re-pops collar like a douchebag brah

Well, coach Bielema, I think I'm more of a spread option guy as opposed to a pro set guy.

Then you want THE Ohio State University. Did I mention that you can major in Permanent Ink Studies and we can get you an internship on Pawn Stars?

re-re pops collar like a brah.

RAWRFUCKPISSCOCKSUCKER SIGN AT NEBRASKA BECAUSE I WILL KILL TAYLOR MARTINEZ BY SPRING BALL AND YOU WILL BE MY STARTER RAWRFUCKIROLLMYSHITINTOLITTLEBALLSPISS!!!!!!

//pees down leg

Please leave, Coach Pelini.

Oh hey man, just playing around. Didn't mean anything by it. I'm much better.

Well, no thanks. If it's all the same, if I want to be abused like a two dollar whore, I'll go to Notre Dame. If everything goes south there, I can at least pawn the helmet for some cash.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HHHHHHNNNNNNNGGGGGGG

//collapses, falls to floor

Holy Jesus...did you guys see what I saw with these two eyes? THESE TWO RIGHT HERE. I think he's dead.

No, Sam Kinison here isn't dead. He just passed out from lack of oxygen to the brain. Kid, if you want to pawn stuff for cash, then go to Ohio State. They have a graduate degree in that kind of shit. Allegedly. Although I wouldn't have any idea about that even though I was on Jim Tressel's staff for many, many years. Just like you didn't know anything, right Luke?

...

...

...

...

...yeah, right. Of course. Forget what I said earlier.

No, son. You want to come to a place where you can get in fights, get thrown in jail, get suspended without missing any game time, all while staying clear of NCAA Sanctions. Fuck OSU, you want to be a Spartan.

Well, if it came down to you, Michigan, and Ohio State, you guys would be a close third 10 years out of 10. But my little brother is pretty good, and he might want to play for you someday.

...

Young Mr. Cornfed, I'm not going to give you a lot of rah rah speeches. We have quite the hominy flavored program at Iowa. It's tried and true, and never changes. Ever. We like to call it The Time Stands Still Program, because what we did on offense and defense in 2000...

...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

//one hour later, still droning in a monotone voice

//wakes up, wipes drool off face

And that's why I never raise my voice. Please sign here.

Whoa kid, stop. AND EVERYBODY WAKE UP. Kirk, shut your filthy consonant machine. Wow, maybe if you had an offense and defense that was more interesting than reading a fucking dictionary you might get more than two star recruits. Look Cornfed, I'm young, I'm hip, and I'm The Next Big Thing in coaching.

Not if you stay at 'Chicago's B1G school', dumbass. There are high schools in East Lansing that draw more fans than your homegames.

Because half your goddamn state is unemployed. Look dude, you want to come here. Look at me. RIGHT HERE IN THE EYES. You'll get a good education, you'll be so anonymous you can walk down Michigan Ave without anyone knowing who you even are, and if by chance you really do pan out and have a sliver of talent, we will overhype your ass to the point of comical.

Wow, that sounds enticing.

How does playing in uniforms that are more painful to look at than German bondage porn sound? Not that I'd, uh...know anything about that, of course.

Says the guy that runs a program more disjointed and fucked up than a carny sideshow. I'm surprised that you're not required to wear a top hat on the sidelines, jackass. Speaking of porn, let's compare programs. If Northwestern is hot lesbian porn, Indiana is 6th grade just getting your pubes health movies.

Aww, isn't that cute? An Indiana-Northwestern CRIPPLE FIGHT!!!!

...

Um, where is the Penn State coach?

//all look nervously at each other

Uh, well...

....

....

....

Yeah, they won't be here. They have issues right now.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK...DING DONG DING DONG

Hello?

I'm Urban Meyer, the new OSU coach and I'm RECRUITIN' DOODZ!!!

I was hoping you'd call.

I know, I know. Every 4 and 5 star recruit does.

Well fuck us. We're out. Later.

...AHAHAHAHA, yeah, you losers can't hang with the big boys. And you don't scare us, Urban. You're yesterday's news.

Ipso facto fuckus MICHIGANUS!

POOOOOOOOOF!!!!

Must...sign...with...Buckeyes

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

U mad, bros?

...

Check out these recruiting biceps. THEY ARE FUCKING GARGANTUAN. You guys are fucked. You know that, right?

God damn it.

Not...not good. Ohio. Anybody wanna go get some cheesecake? Ohio.

Hmmm, my card says--

Your card says you're fucked, frat boy. Hit the bricks.

Rawr. Fuck. Shit. Piss.

God damn it.