Scene: Somewhere in the Woody Hayes Athletic Center in a room that has been used for a hastily called press conference. Ohio State Athletic Director Gene Smith, University President G. Gordon Gee, and Head Football Coach Jim Tressel prepare to take questions from the press.
...We want to thank you for coming, because we have a few things we'd like to get out in front of. We feel calling this hastily arranged press conference will allow us to control the message while simultaneously look like we know like what in the holy christ we're doing. I also get to rack up a lot of extra frequent flyer miles, which we just self reported this afternoon.
Not only that, but we love Jim Tressel. If I were a woman, I would bear his children. And we have no issues with him or how this investigation will play out, because like Mean Gene the Dancing Machine said, we self reported, bitches.
WE ARE OHIO STATE AND WE ARE AWESOME AND INFALLIBLE, MAKING THIS THE BEST PRESSER EVER. TEXAS CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY SUCKS AND OUR PR DEPARTMENT IS FAR SUPERIOR TO THOSE WEAK SISTERS OF THE POOR. WISCONSIN'S, HOWEVER, IS A TWO POINT CONVERSION WORSE THAN THEIRS. WHY THE HELL DID THEY PASS? HOW CAN WE PERSECUTE JIM WITH THAT ABOMINATION OF A PLAY CALLING COACH STILL STANDING IN MADISON?
Really? the last time you said that was as they were running out of the tunnel against Florida. The next time you said that was last year in Madison, and that game was out of control faster than Kirstie Alley at a goddamn Golden Corral. I KNEW this was going to be a fuckin' disaster. Well, with this heading south, we might as well get Urban Meyer in here. If we're going to go to the dark side, we might as well get the Darth Maul of coaches running the show. Let me get him on the phone.
...I thought to myself, wow, this might be seriously serious. My next thought was that this was so seriously serious, I couldn't tell anyone. Because by telling someone, well, I'd be speaking about it. And we all know that speaking is a seriously serious endeavor, and we also know that Endeavor is one of the space shuttles--
WORRY NOT ATHLETIC DIRECTOR! HE IS ENTERING THE NEBULOUS SENATORIAL WORLD OF TRESSELSPEAK AND HE WILL MESMERIZE EVERYONE FORTHWITH. I SHALL REPLACE MY DAVID HASSELHOFF POSTER WITH JIM TRESSEL IMMEDIATELY.
(one hour later)...and as we know, space shuttle missions are classified. So based on that logic train, I could not, in good conscience, say anything to anyone. Now I will accept withering questions from the Columbus press.
Just know this, malleable little Columbus press man who dare not challenge what we say: If Jim Tressel were to prefer microwaved urine from a Filipino prostitute as an afternoon pick me up, you would promote it as the greatest drink of all time.
Cool, thanks. Do you think the NCAA document that Coach Tressel signed in September saying he didn't know about any violations when he actually knew about them the April prior could come back to hurt him?