Greetings, my name is Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride.  You may remember me from last year's non-Pulitzer-Prize-winning article entitled, "HFMR, NW, and the Vengeful Potato."  What's that?  You haven't read it?  Well go ahead and do that now.  I'm not writing another goddamn word until you do. 

All set?  Good.  Now here we are one year, another justNorthwestern win and 1300 beers later and the universe is still in a tailspin.  I'm pretty much at a loss for words at this point as you will see over the next twenty or so paragraphs, photos and bullet points.  Enough with the pleasantries, it's time we all put on our fuck-northwestern pants and concentrate.       

The best way to describe the ineptitude of the Northwestern football program is simply by using facts. There’s no need for hyperbole or anecdotal arguments, because the absolute shittiness of their program really speaks for itself.  Here’s a perfect example:

When Northwestern inexplicably won the Rose Bowl in 1949, a man in rural Illinois squatted down and took a roughly 3-pound dump in a shoebox and buried it underground.  He decided he would dig it up next time Northwestern won a bowl game and send it to his cousin, Stibe, who was an Illini fan.  The next season, Northwestern went 4-5, so he left the turd buried for another year.  Years and years went by and his beloved Wildcats could barely muster a winning season, much less reach a bowl game, much less win one.  After 50 years of waiting, the man lay on his death bed.  His final wish was to bequeath the buried box of shit to his son, who like everyone else in the world, didn’t give a fuck about Northwestern football.  But he respected his father’s wishes and promised to dig up the shit if they ever won another bowl game.  Then another decade passed and the son got really busy at work and completely forgot about the box.  He ended up getting a promotion, selling the family land and moving to Ft Lauderdale.  So somewhere out there in the farmland of Illinois, behind a rotting barn, next to a tree stump, buried 3 feet underground in a shoebox…there is a crusty, decayed 62-year-old loaf of shit that no one cares about.

And that’s Northwestern football.  

         HEY!  That’s not true!  I LOVE MY TEAM NO MATTER HOW BAD THEY SUCK!  

          See?  Watch this!   I've got spirit, yes I do, I've got spirit how bout you!

      VROOOOOOOOM

            Oh noes!

      /crunch

           /dead

           Goodness Preston, what in the world was that?

          Don't disturb me, Cameron, I'm tending to my hair.

           It looked like a giant weasel of some sort.  No matter.  I'll have Felipe put an extra coat of wax on it.

          Speaking of Felipe, I don't trust Mexicans.

           Preston, are you even listening to me?

Ok, where were we?  Oh right, Northwestern is a box of shit.  No, we covered that.  Oh right, now we make fun of their attendance.  Yes, it's low-hanging fruit, and it's been discussed extensively but there's simply no way to talk about Northwestern without mentioning it.  How bad is it?  Quick, think of a football team that no one gives a shit about.  Any team.  Boston College.  Army.  Hawaii.  Iowa State.  Central Florida.  Indiana.  Maryland.  Syracuse.  They all draw better than Northwestern. 

Now, it's true that their attendance improved from 2009 to 2010, but at that point they simply had nowhere to go but up.  They were second to worst in the entire BCS in average attendance in 2009 at just over 24,000 per game.  Yeah, I said 24,000.  That's fucking great for a WNBA game, but it's an epic level of "don't give a shit" for a B1G football team.  The only team they were ahead was a 1-win Washington State squad.  So, YAY for improvement and all, but they're still a better fit for division II.     

If your simple mind is currently thinking, "but Northwestern has been winning games lately," then you were probably also rubbing your dick on the outside of your jeans while voting for the Persa game-winning pass to be the Big Ten play of the year.  Whatever blows your hair back.  However, I would point out that Northwestern wins games the same way a blind squirrel finds a nut.  By cheating like a little rodent bastard.

It's a well-documented fact that Pat Fitzgerald turned into a wizard and created a magic potato to destroy Ricky Stanzi in 2009.  But what you may not realize is, last year Fitzgerald ran out onto the field and took a gigantic bite out of Adam Robinson's ass. 

File Photo (Associated Press)

So Fitzgerald's cheating, assholish ways has got him some wins over the years.  Great.  Unfortunately it has also brought back a condition that has haunted him his entire career: an insatiable hunger for ass.  And now that he has started again, he can't stop. 

He has an Asswich for lunch:

Then he follows it up with a heaping plateful of asses for dinner:

And hey, I'm not the kind of guy that would judge someone for eating a nice big hairy man ass, but the fact is, this is why he can’t recruit for shit.

       ring...ring...

         Hello?

         Hey is this Evan Boehm?

       Yes sir.

        Hey there Evan, it’s Coach Pat Fitzgerald.

      Hello Mr. Fitzgerald.

       Listen Evan, I’m calling today because I think you would make a fine addition to our football team.  I’ve seen you play and you’ve really got something special.

      Well, thanks coach.

       How would you feel about starting as a true freshman?

      Um, sounds good.

       How would you feel about wearing Wildcat purple?

     Oh. I don’t know, I mean, I’m not a big fan of……

     How would you feel about trotting out onto Ryan Field in front of (cough)ty thousand fans?

     Er….wait, how many?

     How would you feel about letting me take a big fucking bite out of your ass?

     ….

     Or, you know, we can start slowly. How about I just chew on it for awhile?

      ….

        Little slice of ass for Fitzy?

        Hello?

     (click)

        NOOOOOO!!!!!    Must.  Eat.  Ass.

        /checks little black book of asses

     Ring ring….

        pick up pick up pick up pick up pick up pick up pick up

     Ring ring….

      Hello?

      D…D…Darnell?

      Pat, you know you’re not supposed to call me anymore.

      No, wait….please Darnell. I just want to talk.

      I don’t think that’s….

      Listen Darnell, I’ve changed. I swear.

      Sigh. Fine. Maybe just this once. What do you want?

      I miss you.

      Ok….

      I was thinking that maybe we could get together for a caramel mochaccino.

      Well, I do like caramel mochaccinos.

       Yeah, they're yummy.

        Mmmmm.

       Also...

       What.

      ...maybe, you know, just for old time sake…

      God damn it.

      ….i can have a little nibble off the bottom part of your ass???

       You fucking crazy asshole.

     (click)

      Hello? Hello?

      FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU……

What happened, I blacked out.  Nevermind, let’s just review the facts:

1. Northwestern is the worst college football program in the history of the world.
2. They haven’t won a bowl game since Harry Truman was president.
3. Their attendance is a fucking embarassment
4. Their tailgating scene has less atmosphere than the food court at your local mall.
5. They cheat.
6. Purple sucks.
7. The stadium DJ at Ryan Field is fucking awful.
8. Pat Fitzgerald eats ass by the wagonload

Nothing personal, justNorthwestern fans, but I hope all seven of you get aggressively throat-fucked by a silverback gorilla.  If you disagree with anything I've written, feel free to post a really douchey comment below like you're about to do.