Well, we're at the end of our B1G 2011 series, and it's been a lot of fun for all of us. We finish our series with Ohio State, but with the 4th of July holiday coming up, out schedule will be altered a little bit. We won't publish anything Sunday or Monday, because we all, you know, have lives and stuff. So, our altered schedule for the Buckeyes is as follows:
Tuesday: Cocktail Party Preview
Wednesday: Point/Counterpoint and Wildcard Article
Thursday: The World Famous (Infamous?) Potluck
Friday: The Enemy of My Enemy. And you Wolverine gasbags better bring it. And if it's an 'I don't care' piece, I'm deleting it, giving you and F, and you're taking the Internet over. All of it. You've been drinking Hokemania juice all winter, so I want some quality hate, brother. Woo.
So, what are we doing publishing something now? Well, I was able to get a hold of some digital recordings from a super cereal secret meeting* of Jim 'Consider Them Rolled, Bitch' Delany and 11 of 12 B1G coaches.
Consider this a bonus. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, and may you all have a safe and happy 4th of July.
Oh, and once again inspired by, and apologies to, BHGP. Without further
adieu ado delay, The Conclave:
Scene: The University Of Chicago Maroons Football Hall of Fame, which is now a deli somewhere in
Schaumberg Schaumburg, Ill. B1G Commissioner Jim Delany, along with 11 of 12 B1G coaches, are meeting to determine the future of one of the marquee brands in B1G football. The topic? Elect a permanent OSU Coach to replace St. James of Upper Arlington, the Patron Saint of Jackass Quarterbacks.
*Super cereal secret meeting that was 100% made up. Not even close to true.
For the love of all that's holy, will you SHUT UP, Bo? You are in the B1G now, and here, referees indiscriminately screw over everybody, not just teams based outside of Texas. So calm down and shut your filthy bugeater mouth. And good God, wipe that spittle pool up. It's disgusting. As I was saying, what should have been an off-season of build up with the Nebraska addition, our new divisions, our impending conference championship game...
Oh, you mean the defense you rolled out against us in Iowa City last year?
TREMBLE IN FEAR, LITTLE BROTHER! I HAVE A 70 YEAR OLD DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR AND A QUARTERBACK THAT IS A HEISMAN TROPHY CANDIDATE WHEN HE PLAYS EASTERN MICHIGAN, WHOO! I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL WE PLAY THAT TEAM THAT PLAYS IN THAT STATE THAT HAS AN O IN IT, BROTHER!
Heh, good one Captain Kirk, drunk co-ed scheme. We hung 65 on Michigan and went to a bowl game. How'd your bowl game turn out Dantoniooo? CHECK OUT MY PECS! THEY ARE AS FIERCE AS THAT ALABAMA DEFENSE WAS, BABY!
Uh, Zooker? Michigan hung 67 on YOU and won the game.
I SHALL IMMEDIATELY DISPATCH CORRESPONDENCE VIA PONY EXPRESS TO MY FAVORITE SCRIBE GRANTLAND RICE. THAT YOUNG FELLOW HAS A PROMISING FUTURE, AND HIS KEEN INSIGHT SHALL BE OF GREAT ASSISTANCE. HIS SUPERLATIVE USE OF SUCH THINGS AS NOUNS AND VERBS WILL HELP US CLOSE THIS MATTER POST HASTE.
YOU GENTLEMEN HAVE SUBSTANTIAL MEDIOCRITY TO OVERCOME. WE SHALL LAUGH AT YOU BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT AND PROPER THING TO DO. WHEN DID INDIANA FIELD A TEAM OF FOOTBALLERS? I MUST SAY THAT THEIR CAGERS ARE QUITE THE CRACKERJACK BUNCH OF WHIPPERSNAPPERS, THOUGH.
Seriously Joe? They haven't been good since crotch hugging short shorts. Can we get this back on track, please? Look, we need to find a coach for Ohio State. Dantonio, your name has been mentioned for the OSU gig. What do you think?
TAKE YOUR VITAMINS AND EAT YOUR VEGETABLES, BROTHER! BECAUSE I HAVE A 47-50 CAREER COACHING RECORD, WAS MICHIGAN'S FOURTH CHOICE BEHIND PAT FITZGERALD, AND WE'RE PLAYIN' MANBALL, BROTHER!! WE'RE THE WINNINGEST PROGRAM EVER AND I HATE THAT SCHOOL IN OHIO WHO'S NAME I WILL NOT MENTION AS A CHEAP RIPOFF OF THE FORMER COACH WHO'S NAME I WILL NOT MENTION OF THAT TEAM I WON'T MENTION WHEN HE MENTIONED US WHEN HE DIDN'T MENTION US! WHOOOOOOOO!
Yes, I turned down the Michigan job because Northwestern is a lot more wizard-friendly. And I have an insatiable hunger for ass. And it's a lot more fun to beat Iowa every year as the Northwestern coach as opposed to being the Michigan coach.
OH MY GOD IS THAT IMPRESSIVE. I HAVE NOT SEEN SUCH FEATS OF DECEPTION SINCE I SAW THAT DEATH DEFYING YOUNGSTER HARRY HOUDINI DURING THE MOST RECENT VAUDEVILLE TOUR. JUST A CRACKERJACK OF A SHOW, THAT WAS.
I HATE YOU SO MUCH-ER MORE-ER, SENSELESS PROTECTED CROSS DIVISIONAL RIVAL! AND WE SHALL LAUGH AT YOU WHEN YOU BLOW OUT YOUR OTHER KNEE SHAVING YOUR MUSTACHE THAT IS STRAIGHT FROM THE SET OF A PORN MOVIE.
Why don't you do something more than take the helm of a crappy football team with no significant accomplishments before you open your dirty whore mouth, hot shot. Thanks for your opinion. Now, go defend the rock.
That's because Indiana football celebrity is an oxymoron in Bloomington, and a talented Hoosier sighting is as rare as a unicorn ranch. I'm done with you. Bielema, what do you think about the OSU coaching issue?
Try that against me and I'll bury the axe in your ass. My last name is Kill, don't fuck with me.
I DISAGREE, YOUNG MAN. I HAVE A PLAY CALLING CHAIN OF COMMAND THAT IS MORE COMPLICATED THAN THE BOCHE HAD WHEN I FACED THEM AT BELLAU WOOD IN THE GREAT WAR, YET IT IS AS EFFICIENT AS THE OHIO STATE COMPLIANCE DEPARTMENT, AND OUR FANS LOVE IT. MY GOD WAS BLACKJACK PERSHING A CRACKERJACK OF A GENERAL.
No, the only controversy in your neck of the woods is why you quit running the ball in the Rose Bowl until it was well into the fourth quarter, then tried to throw for two when Clay or Ball could've walked in backwards, on their hands.
AND I SHALL SET UP A HASTILY ARRANGED PRESS CONFERENCE SO WE CAN STAY IN FRONT OF THIS. LET US RELEASE THE SMOKE!