They may be a dysfunctional hot mess, but they're our dysfunctional hot mess
(all photos courtesy of the FX Network)
Let's be honest. Two of the easiest columns to write (and get feedback from your readers) are 1) the power rankings column and 2) the pop culture comparison column. Much like that magical day when somebody got their peanut butter on my chocolate (or did I get my chocolate in her peanut butter?), it was predestined that one day these two great columns would be brought together...
Over on the FX network, there's a show called Archer, and it's one of the best shows on TV. It's about the fictional, privately run Spy Agency ISIS, and the people that help make it run. Or dysfunctionally try and destroy it, your call.
And I couldn't think of a better comparison than this show to use for the B1G after three weeks.
8 of 12 contributors voted this week, with 12 points for a first place vote, one point for a 12th place vote.
1. Wisconsin, 96 points (8 First place votes)--Special Agent Sterling Archer
2. Nebraska, 88 Points--Special Agent Lana Kane
Lana thinks she's as good a field agent as Archer, and she might be. Has a love-hate relationship with Archer, but has yet to step over him to get that recognition. Yuuuuuuuuuup.
3. Illinois, 75 Points--Special Agent Ray Gillette
Ray kind of flies under the radar. He might actually be as good an agent as Lana and Archer, but doesn't get nearly the respect of either of them. Dukes. Double Dukes.
4. Michigan, 71 Points--Nikolai Jakov
Nikolai Jakov is head of the KGB, and he thinks he Archer's daddy. Archer will go to great lengths to disprove that, while Jakov has gone to great lengths to validate.
5. Ohio State, 60 Points-- Malory Archer
The founder of ISIS and mother of Sterling Archer, at one time she was the pre-eminent agent in the world. But sadly, years of drinking and relying on her reputation has just made her an alcoholic. Her poor recruiting of late has left ISIS with a dearth of talent, especially at key leadership positions, leading to the Conway Stern debacle.
6. Michigan State, 54 Points--Cyril Figgus
Cyril is the accountant at ISIS, and longs to be a field agent to prove to his girlfriend Lana that he can do it. But all he really ends up doing is inadvertently killing hookers, or so it seems. Much like Craig James did at SMU. Allegedly. Cyril isn't ready to make the big leap into the world of covert operations just yet.
7. Penn State, 49 Points--Woodhouse
Archer's manservant Woodhouse is well past his prime, but had a legendary run in WWI, getting numerous scalps from enemy after enemy. Now he's a shell of himself and a heroin addict.
8. Iowa, 46 Points--Dr. Krieger
9. Northwestern, 37 Points--ODIN Agent Barry Dillon
ODIN agent Barry Dillon is good, but not good enough---until he was completely rebuilt as a partial cyborg after a terrible fall and leg injury. Haven't seen Barry yet in the new season, so no one knows if the structural rebuild will work or not, though. One for three off the roof, bitch!
10. Minnesota, 20 Points--Pam
Pam is the head of HR at ISIS, and everyone makes jokes about her at her expense. She is so desperate for attention she wants anyone at ISIS to have sex with her, and she's not really gender specific about that.
11. Purdue, 18 Points--Cheryl/Carol
Thinks she's better than she really is, and is so forgettable to other members of ISIS she changes her name on a regular basis, hoping someone will finally get it right. Sadly, no one does.
12. Indiana, 10 Points--Wee Baby Seamus