Penn State Hires A Coach, As Interpreted By OTE

As you know, Penn State recently hired Bill O'Brien to be the permanent head football coach. Acting AD Dave Joyner was very secretive about the whole process, and numerous names were rumored to be interested in the job, on the verge of being hired, or buying a house in State College. The fact that Joyner was able to keep the process secret was pretty impressive in the Social Media Age that we live in, but the intrepid investigative journalists** of Off Tackle Empire were able to, with late night phone calls, anonymous tips, dead drops, and hefty bribes***, find out exactly how the hiring process unfolded.****

**We're really not intrepid, except for maybe Hilary and Kennard Husker. And possibly Bama Hawkeye. Okay, we're all intrepid, except me. I'm just a jackass. But you knew that already. Oh, and none of us are investigative journalists.

***Actually, I just made all of this up. You knew that, but the Legal Department wanted that clearly stated up front.

****I have no idea how the process unfolded. And I would bet with the way this all unfolded, Dave Joyner didn't, either.

..so to avoid any further embarrassment, if that's even possible, hire a guy and be quick about it. Are you picking up what I'm throwing down?

Yes Mr. Commissioner. I understand.

You've got a shitstorm coming your way with this Sandusky trial, so hurry up, hire a coach, and do it with as little fanfare as possible.

Of course, Mr. Commissioner.
I HIGHLY recommend you conduct your search as efficiently as Illinois did. They should be your example--Tim Beckman is a well regarded coach, he took over a troubled program when he went to Toledo, and somebody like him would jump at an opportunity like this.

Really?

No, you dumb dick. Your college is a fuckin' dumpster fire and your school name is as toxic as an Amy Winehouse blood report. Your students rioted when you did the necessary thing and fired Paterno, for Chrissakes. I mean really dude, SERIOUSLY?!?! You'll be lucky to find a decent Junior High coach. Just get someone and be low key about it. If the NCAA decides to give you an investigative colonoscopy, you'll be lucky to play organized intramural flag football.

With all due respect, we are a destination program, and we can hire a big name guy. WE ARE...

Completely delusional and fucked in the head? Yeah, I'll buy that. Hire a goddamn coach. Shit's on fire, yo.

<click>...

I'll show him. I'll show them all!!

WOOOOOOOO!!!! WE'RE GETTIN' SABAN WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

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Holy Mother of God, just because our coach was north of 80 and didn't understand touch tone phones doesn't mean we can't have them. Gotta put this on the to do list.

We don't have the money. Need 'em for the lawyers. And the lawsuits. Gonna be LOTS of lawsuits.

So no new phone system?

Nope.

Well just how in the fuck are we going to pay top dollar--

Hello?

Uh, hi! Hello there, I'm Dave Joyner, and I'm the acting athletic director at Penn Sta--

AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...<click>

Hello? Hello?

Well, what did Nick Saban say?

Wrong number. Probably. Maybe. Okay, maybe not.

Dave, do you know what the hell you're doing?

Of course I do. I am the Acting Athletic Director. What would make you think I don't know what I'm doing?

Just an uneasy feeling I have.

Why would you have an uneasy feeling about what goes on around here?

...

...

Oh, sorry. Stupid question.

...(awkward silence)...

Ahem...so anyway, let's scratch Saban off the list. He's a dick anyways. Let me call the next guy.

Who's that?

Les Miles.

Oooh, I like it! His offensive philosophy will fit right in with our inability to move the ball! And he will fulfill the unrealistic expectations of our fanbase over this hire!

I know, right? He'll be awesome!

Call, call! I'm so excited!

WOOOOOOOO!!!! WE'RE GETTIN' MILES WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

..zzzzzzzzkktictictic....zzzzzzzzzktictictic...zzzzzzzzktictictic...ring...ring

Go for the Mad Hatter!

Hi Les. This is Dave Joyner, and I'm the act--

Dave Joyner...THE RADIO GUY?

Huh, wh- what? No. Radio? What are you talking about?

Yeah, you have a syndicated radio program that runs coast to coast. AM I ON LIVE? HEY EVERYONE, IF YOU CAN PLAY SOME BALL, COME TO LSU! WE HAVE THE BEST TASTING GRASS IN THE COUNTRY!!

(covers receiver, looks at Erickson)...This was a bad idea. How in the name of the forward pass did this dumb sumbitch win a national title?

Oversigning. That's all they do down there. Oh, and he's and SEC coach that played Ohio State in a bowl game. But try and hire him anyway.

Oh, okay. That makes sense. Will do.

LSU IS A GREAT SCHOOL AND WE CAN GUARANTEE THAT YOU'VE GOT A SCHOLARSHIP FOR AT LEAST SIX WEEKS WHEN YOU GET HERE. AND YOUR EDUCATION WILL BE SUBSTANTIALLY MEDIOCRE. HELL, YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO GO TO CLASS. BECAUSE AT ELL ESS YOUUUUU, YOU'LL BE MAJORIN' IN FOOTBALL! GEAUX TIGERS!

Uh, Les. I think you have me mixed up with Tom Joyner, nationally syndicated radio host. I'm Dave Joyner, acting athletic director at Penn Sta--

<click...dial tone>

DAMN IT!

Did he hang up on you, too?

Sigh...yes.

Well, keep at it. I have to go do some town hall meetings. They couldn't possibly be worse than this.

WOOOOOOOO!!!! WE'RE GETTIN' CHIP KELLY WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

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You're talking to the Wood Chipper. Talk fast cuz I think fast.

Hi Chip. Dave Joyner here. I'm the acting AD at Penn State...

...

...

Uhhhhhh, hello? You gonna talk?

Oh, uh...yes. Yes I am. I just thought for sure you would've hung up by now.

Heh, I can see why.

Yes, well. Say, would you be interested in being the head coach at Penn State?

You bet I would!

Really?

Fuck and no dude. There's less radiation at Fukushima than at your school. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go rub one out while I watch the Rose Bowl game tape.

<click>

...

WOOOOOOOO!!!! WE'RE GETTIN' PETERSEN WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

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...<click>...Hi, you've reached Chris Petersen. Sorry I'm not home right now, but I'm out thoroughly enjoying my life here in Boise, where I am guaranteed 10 wins a year and live like a King on earth. No, I'm not interested in your job, but thanks for asking. If you're Dave Joyner, please be advised you've violated the terms of the restraining order and I will now press char--

<click>

Shit, I hope he doesn't have caller ID.

59 days later...

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//hhhhhhhnnnnngggggg

<click>

Hello? Hello? Well, damn. Should've known better. All that guy does is scream and pass out. He'd be a terrible coach, even for us.

WOOOOOOOO!!!! WE DIDN'T WANT THAT KELLY CALL THE OTHER ONE AGAIN WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Well, hell. I got one last call to make. I heard there was a guy that wants to be a head coach around here.

..zzzzzzzzkktictictic....zzzzzzzzzktictictic...zzzzzzzzktictictic...ring...ring

Hello?

Hi Bob.

It's Bill.

Yeahyeahyeah, whatever. Look, rumor has it you're interested in being a head coach.

Why yes, I certainly do! Is this Jacksonville? St. Louis? Miami?

No no no. I'm calling from Pennsylvania.

Oh my God OH MY GOD OHMYGOD!! The EAGLES?? I'D LOVE TO BE THE EAGLES COACH!!

No.

OH...MY...GAAAAAWWWWD! I'M GONNA COACH THE STEELERS! TERRIBLE TOWEL BABY WOOOOOOOO!!!!

No.

Uh, an expansion team then? Hey, that's cool. That's going to be a great opportunity! WOOOO!!

Nope, not that, either.

Well, where then? The only head coaching job job that's open in that state is one I wouldn't give to my worst ene --oh FUCK NONONONONO!!!

Wait WAITWAITWAIT...DON'T HANG UP! You want to be a head coach, right?

Well, yeah.

And you've got no real resume to speak of, right?

Well, that's not true. I am the offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots. We are one of the most prolific offenses in the NFL.

Spare me the bullshit. Charlie Weiss and Josh McDaniels made that offense look good, and those two couldn't find their ass with both hands as a head coach.

Solid takeaway. Okay, I'm listening.

What have you done as a college coach?

Well, I ran two of the worst offenses in the last 25 years at the D-I level.

You'll fit right in. We've got a terrible offense. Our quarterback's a Ginger.

Well, that's intriguing. I can make them worse, I'm sure. I mean, I haven't done any real coaching in several years. Tom Brady doesn't need me telling him what to do. He gets kind of pissed when I do anyway.

Our recruiting class is in shambles. How would you fix it?

Well, I plan on staying with New England until our playoff run is over, and we'll probably go to the Super Bowl. National Signing Day will long be over by then.

Good, good. We really want to de-emphasize football. How long do you plan to stick around?

Until a good NFL gig opens up. So two or three years, tops. That should be just the right amount of time to inflict maximum destruction on your program without ruining any future opportunities I might get in the pros.

Sweet, you're hired. I'll call a presser!

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...

Still a great day to be YOUDUB, baby!

//pops collar like a douchebag brah