Penn State Hires A Coach, As Interpreted By OTE

As you know, Penn State recently hired Bill O'Brien to be the permanent head football coach. Acting AD Dave Joyner was very secretive about the whole process, and numerous names were rumored to be interested in the job, on the verge of being hired, or buying a house in State College. The fact that Joyner was able to keep the process secret was pretty impressive in the Social Media Age that we live in, but the intrepid investigative journalists** of Off Tackle Empire were able to, with late night phone calls, anonymous tips, dead drops, and hefty bribes***, find out exactly how the hiring process unfolded.****

**We're really not intrepid, except for maybe Hilary and Kennard Husker. And possibly Bama Hawkeye. Okay, we're all intrepid, except me. I'm just a jackass. But you knew that already. Oh, and none of us are investigative journalists.

***Actually, I just made all of this up. You knew that, but the Legal Department wanted that clearly stated up front.

****I have no idea how the process unfolded. And I would bet with the way this all unfolded, Dave Joyner didn't, either.

Angry_delany_medium ..so to avoid any further embarrassment, if that's even possible, hire a guy and be quick about it. Are you picking up what I'm throwing down?

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Yes Mr. Commissioner. I understand.

Angry_delany_medium You've got a shitstorm coming your way with this Sandusky trial, so hurry up, hire a coach, and do it with as little fanfare as possible.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Of course, Mr. Commissioner.
Angry_delany_medium I HIGHLY recommend you conduct your search as efficiently as Illinois did. They should be your example--Tim Beckman is a well regarded coach, he took over a troubled program when he went to Toledo, and somebody like him would jump at an opportunity like this.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Really?

Angry_delany_medium No, you dumb dick. Your college is a fuckin' dumpster fire and your school name is as toxic as an Amy Winehouse blood report. Your students rioted when you did the necessary thing and fired Paterno, for Chrissakes. I mean really dude, SERIOUSLY?!?! You'll be lucky to find a decent Junior High coach. Just get someone and be low key about it. If the NCAA decides to give you an investigative colonoscopy, you'll be lucky to play organized intramural flag football.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium With all due respect, we are a destination program, and we can hire a big name guy. WE ARE...

Angry_delany_medium Completely delusional and fucked in the head? Yeah, I'll buy that. Hire a goddamn coach. Shit's on fire, yo.

Phone_medium ...

Psu_ad_joyner_medium I'll show him. I'll show them all!!

Penn_state_fans_medium WOOOOOOOO!!!! WE'RE GETTIN' SABAN WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Phone_medium..zzzzzzzzkktictictic....zzzzzzzzzktictictic...zzzzzzzzktictictic...

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Holy Mother of God, just because our coach was north of 80 and didn't understand touch tone phones doesn't mean we can't have them. Gotta put this on the to do list.

Erickson_medium We don't have the money. Need 'em for the lawyers. And the lawsuits. Gonna be LOTS of lawsuits.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium So no new phone system?

Erickson_medium Nope.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Well just how in the fuck are we going to pay top dollar--

Phone_medium Hello?

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Uh, hi! Hello there, I'm Dave Joyner, and I'm the acting athletic director at Penn Sta--

Phone_medium AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Hello? Hello?

Erickson_medium Well, what did Nick Saban say?

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Wrong number. Probably. Maybe. Okay, maybe not.

Erickson_medium Dave, do you know what the hell you're doing?

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Of course I do. I am the Acting Athletic Director. What would make you think I don't know what I'm doing?

Erickson_medium Just an uneasy feeling I have.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Why would you have an uneasy feeling about what goes on around here?

Erickson_medium...

Erickson_medium...

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Oh, sorry. Stupid question.

Erickson_mediumPsu_ad_joyner_medium...(awkward silence)...

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Ahem...so anyway, let's scratch Saban off the list. He's a dick anyways. Let me call the next guy.

Erickson_medium Who's that?

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Les Miles.

Erickson_medium Oooh, I like it! His offensive philosophy will fit right in with our inability to move the ball! And he will fulfill the unrealistic expectations of our fanbase over this hire!

Psu_ad_joyner_medium I know, right? He'll be awesome!

Erickson_medium Call, call! I'm so excited!

Penn_state_fans_medium WOOOOOOOO!!!! WE'RE GETTIN' MILES WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Phone_medium..zzzzzzzzkktictictic....zzzzzzzzzktictictic...zzzzzzzzktictictic...ring...ring

Miles_medium Go for the Mad Hatter!

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Hi Les. This is Dave Joyner, and I'm the act--

Miles_medium Dave Joyner...THE RADIO GUY?

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Huh, wh- what? No. Radio? What are you talking about?

Miles_medium Yeah, you have a syndicated radio program that runs coast to coast. AM I ON LIVE? HEY EVERYONE, IF YOU CAN PLAY SOME BALL, COME TO LSU! WE HAVE THE BEST TASTING GRASS IN THE COUNTRY!!

Psu_ad_joyner_medium(covers receiver, looks at Erickson)...This was a bad idea. How in the name of the forward pass did this dumb sumbitch win a national title?

Erickson_medium Oversigning. That's all they do down there. Oh, and he's and SEC coach that played Ohio State in a bowl game. But try and hire him anyway.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Oh, okay. That makes sense. Will do.

Miles_medium LSU IS A GREAT SCHOOL AND WE CAN GUARANTEE THAT YOU'VE GOT A SCHOLARSHIP FOR AT LEAST SIX WEEKS WHEN YOU GET HERE. AND YOUR EDUCATION WILL BE SUBSTANTIALLY MEDIOCRE. HELL, YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO GO TO CLASS. BECAUSE AT ELL ESS YOUUUUU, YOU'LL BE MAJORIN' IN FOOTBALL! GEAUX TIGERS!

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Uh, Les. I think you have me mixed up with Tom Joyner, nationally syndicated radio host. I'm Dave Joyner, acting athletic director at Penn Sta--

Phone_medium

Psu_ad_joyner_medium DAMN IT!

Erickson_medium Did he hang up on you, too?

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Sigh...yes.

Erickson_medium Well, keep at it. I have to go do some town hall meetings. They couldn't possibly be worse than this.

Penn_state_fans_medium WOOOOOOOO!!!! WE'RE GETTIN' CHIP KELLY WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Phone_medium ..zzzzzzzzkktictictic....zzzzzzzzzktictictic...zzzzzzzzktictictic...ring...ring

Chip_kelly_medium You're talking to the Wood Chipper. Talk fast cuz I think fast.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Hi Chip. Dave Joyner here. I'm the acting AD at Penn State...

Psu_ad_joyner_medium...

Psu_ad_joyner_medium...

Chip_kelly_medium Uhhhhhh, hello? You gonna talk?

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Oh, uh...yes. Yes I am. I just thought for sure you would've hung up by now.

Chip_kelly_medium Heh, I can see why.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Yes, well. Say, would you be interested in being the head coach at Penn State?

Chip_kelly_medium You bet I would!

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Really?

Chip_kelly_medium Fuck and no dude. There's less radiation at Fukushima than at your school. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go rub one out while I watch the Rose Bowl game tape.

Phone_medium

Psu_ad_joyner_medium...

Penn_state_fans_medium WOOOOOOOO!!!! WE'RE GETTIN' PETERSEN WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Phone_medium ..zzzzzzzzkktictictic....zzzzzzzzzktictictic...zzzzzzzzktictictic...ring...ring

Answering_machine_medium ......Hi, you've reached Chris Petersen. Sorry I'm not home right now, but I'm out thoroughly enjoying my life here in Boise, where I am guaranteed 10 wins a year and live like a King on earth. No, I'm not interested in your job, but thanks for asking. If you're Dave Joyner, please be advised you've violated the terms of the restraining order and I will now press char--

Phone_medium

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Shit, I hope he doesn't have caller ID.


59 days later...

Phone_medium ..zzzzzzzzkktictictic....zzzzzzzzzktictictic...zzzzzzzzktictictic...ring...ring

Kelly_screaming_medium AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

Kelly_screaming_medium AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

Kelly_screaming_medium AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

Kelly_screaming_medium //hhhhhhhnnnnngggggg

Phone_medium

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Hello? Hello? Well, damn. Should've known better. All that guy does is scream and pass out. He'd be a terrible coach, even for us.

Penn_state_fans_medium WOOOOOOOO!!!! WE DIDN'T WANT THAT KELLY CALL THE OTHER ONE AGAIN WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Well, hell. I got one last call to make. I heard there was a guy that wants to be a head coach around here.

Phone_medium ..zzzzzzzzkktictictic....zzzzzzzzzktictictic...zzzzzzzzktictictic...ring...ring

Bob_chin_medium Hello?

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Hi Bob.

Bob_chin_medium It's Bill.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Yeahyeahyeah, whatever. Look, rumor has it you're interested in being a head coach.

Bob_chin_medium Why yes, I certainly do! Is this Jacksonville? St. Louis? Miami?

Psu_ad_joyner_medium No no no. I'm calling from Pennsylvania.

Bob_chin_medium Oh my God OH MY GOD OHMYGOD!! The EAGLES?? I'D LOVE TO BE THE EAGLES COACH!!

Psu_ad_joyner_medium No.

Bob_chin_medium OH...MY...GAAAAAWWWWD! I'M GONNA COACH THE STEELERS! TERRIBLE TOWEL BABY WOOOOOOOO!!!!

Psu_ad_joyner_medium No.

Bob_chin_medium Uh, an expansion team then? Hey, that's cool. That's going to be a great opportunity! WOOOO!!

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Nope, not that, either.

Bob_chin_medium Well, where then? The only head coaching job job that's open in that state is one I wouldn't give to my worst ene --oh FUCK NONONONONO!!!

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Wait WAITWAITWAIT...DON'T HANG UP! You want to be a head coach, right?

Bob_chin_medium Well, yeah.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium And you've got no real resume to speak of, right?

Bob_chin_medium Well, that's not true. I am the offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots. We are one of the most prolific offenses in the NFL.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Spare me the bullshit. Charlie Weiss and Josh McDaniels made that offense look good, and those two couldn't find their ass with both hands as a head coach.

Bob_chin_medium Solid takeaway. Okay, I'm listening.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium What have you done as a college coach?

Bob_chin_medium Well, I ran two of the worst offenses in the last 25 years at the D-I level.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium You'll fit right in. We've got a terrible offense. Our quarterback's a Ginger.

Bob_chin_medium Well, that's intriguing. I can make them worse, I'm sure. I mean, I haven't done any real coaching in several years. Tom Brady doesn't need me telling him what to do. He gets kind of pissed when I do anyway.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Our recruiting class is in shambles. How would you fix it?

Bob_chin_medium Well, I plan on staying with New England until our playoff run is over, and we'll probably go to the Super Bowl. National Signing Day will long be over by then.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Good, good. We really want to de-emphasize football. How long do you plan to stick around?

Bob_chin_medium Until a good NFL gig opens up. So two or three years, tops. That should be just the right amount of time to inflict maximum destruction on your program without ruining any future opportunities I might get in the pros.

Psu_ad_joyner_medium Sweet, you're hired. I'll call a presser!

Penn_state_fans_medium Arrington_medium Franco_harris_medium FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...

Serious_bielema_medium Still a great day to be YOUDUB, baby!

Serious_bielema_medium //pops collar like a douchebag brah

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