Today, various media outlets published the supposed text of Bret Bielema's September 2012 letter to Arkansas AD Jeff Long. I via various, unknown, unnamed, and possibly non-existent sources, I have it on good -- although completely fraudulent -- authority that the published text is not authentic. Through hours and minutes of making things up, I have uncovered and created the real text of Beilema's letter. It is shocking ! Shocking I tell you.
Just wanted to say that this note is long past due. I should have written sooner because Barry's ego blots out the sun and I have been wanting to escape from Madtown from a long time.
As I watched your press conference this past spring I wanted to reach out and say how handsome you looked on television. I like how your suit fits; so trim with such big broad shoulders. Have you seen Barry lately? He's a giant apple in his suit. It's not only his ego that blots out the sun.
I also wanted to say how much I respected your actions because now you'll have a coaching vacancy and I need a new job. Just as important were your words and the way you spoke. Such a soft and sultry voice with just a hint of southern charm. When you talk, I can just sit and listen. And you had such COMMAND of the room when you were standing sturdy at the podium.
As a head coach I know that my comments are looked at in every way possible. I only mention this to remind you I am a head football coach so you'll think of hiring me for your coaching vacancy. I also mention this for the delicious irony that I am putting my words on paper and mailing them so that, eventually, they will be available for anyone to read through a Freedom of Information request. My comments will be looked at in every way possible. Me are smart.
Here at UW I have a great AD, a giant of a man with nation-spanning accomplishments which he mentions at every possible opportunity. He's a man of his words and Rose Bowl victories who keeps talking about them and he asks the same of us all. With HIS Rose Bowls, I get no respect for MY Rose Bowls. Yes, I know I didn't win, but whateva ... I can't wait to get a new job so I never have to hear about the Rose Bowl again.
Best wishes moving forward, stay strong and keep doing those preacher curls! It was the right call and the next right call is to call me!! I want to give you something you have never had.
Best wishes. I only say this to repeat myself and be repetitive and redundant and keep saying things over and over again.
P.S. One thing I have learned through my time here at UW is that today’s society wants to win them all, but as Coaches and Administrators we need to balance the Big Picture for all our student athletes. I only mention this to show I can use buzz words like "student athletes" without busting into laughter. XOXO, your Bretty-bear.