Dear Iowa Hawkeye Fans:
I know I have written about DABDA before, but I do not remotely remember the context, and I am not above reusing story molds... Anyhow, in light of Iowa's latest run in with AIRBHG, I'm here to give you the steps you all need to take to get past this curse/Angry Vengeful Deity and his hatred of everything that is RB at the University of Iowa. As a Cubs AND Bills fan, I know a little something about the Sports Gods and their absolute disdain for the teams we love. Before you set fire to Iowa City, curse the name Kirk Ferentz for his deal with the devil, and/or change to a 5 WR Spread Offense, take some time to work through DABDA and the Five stages of grief.
1. Denial - This Seriously Can't Be Happening Again
Look, so maybe you lost your fifteenth RB this decade to a non-graduation scenario. While this seems like a mix of circumstances and you really don't want to believe it really is happening again, you should probably try to at least convince yourself that it is real. Like they say in addiction therapy (I'm sure there is a correlation in there somewhere), acknowledging the issue is the first step.
Advice for Iowans in Denial: I'm going to go ahead and tell any Iowa Hawkeye fan in this stage that he or she should just stay away from communicating with others in further steps of grief. The reality is your obnoxious sense of this not being real not only contradicts everything that is happening, but also will annoy the hell out of everyone around you. Maybe start by reading about the Greek deities and work on convincing yourself this might be real.
2. Anger - WTF! WTF! WTF! WTF!
Fans in this stage really aren't too far removed from Denial. While you've accepted the reality of AIRBHG, you really do not know what to do with that new paradigm and are ready to punch things and/or drink. It is important to note that people undergoing feelings of Anger are probably blaming the coaching staff, the grass, the weather, or even alcohol itself. That is unfair, and you really need to get to a point where you do not misappropriate blame. This is all an ancient angry deity's fault who hates you and everything that is Black and Gold.
Advice for Iowans who are Angry: Um, I think this is probably about the right place for going to message boards. While you are irrational as all get out, it makes for good times for everyone else and your anger might even turn into some form of cathartic sarcasm and/or sardonic wit. BHGP seems to be a safe place for you. Also, consider channeling your anger into something awesome... like trolling the Cyclones. That always puts a smile on your face.
3. Bargaining - Maybe AIRBHG Will Spare Us if...
I have been through this as a Cubs fan on many occasions. A few years ago I thought that we were ready to get over the hump before I remembered that I followed a team that thought giving Fonsie Soriano a 40 year contract. There is no appeasement of angry Sports Deities. Interestingly enough, you may consider trying. I still think Kinnick must be on some ancient burial ground of the natives. Research this and make appeasements accordingly. Just remember, there really is no bargaining with AIRBHG...
Advice for Iowans looking to Bargain with AIRBHG: Diversify your options. While I think it is probably a useless exercise, it might make you feel better when you realize you talked your buddy into running down the street naked proclaiming his love for AIRBHG... I highly recommend him doing this if/when he gets arrested.
4. Depression - WTF! WTF! WTF! *GULP (Down Goes the Scotch)*
Yeah, these all bleed into each other. I always hated this model at about the second 'D' because most every one of these stages has elements of depression. Anyhow, the biggest thing to avoid here is the, "What's the point?" lines because honestly, it'll be okay. Soon you'll accept that your new OC has been planning his hostile takeover of the Ferentz NFL Breeding Grounds for years. You are now set to have a Pistol/Shotgun set every down with No Huddle, 4 or 5 WR sets and no RBs (Davis' goal at Texas was similar). If he can convince Iowa this works, he can finally get that job with the Browns and reunite with his brightest star not named Vince Young.
Advice for Iowans who are depressed AIRBHG has taken another RB: How good was Canzeri? I mean, maybe things aren't so bad after all. Um, I'm going to go ahead and need all the sharp objects from your room as well. You may now only drink from plastic cups. You only drink from plastic cups? Um, well... this is awkward.
5. Acceptance - Well, It Could Be Worse... We Could Be Indiana
Is that the same exact line I used the last time I did this bit? Almost (Definitely used Illinois then). Is it still as funny to me now as it was then? Absolutely. Look, AIRBHG might be a mean, ruthless deity that only seems to live for the ACL's, Criminal Records, and other various career deaths of Iowa RBs, but at least you've been able to replace them. I mean, it's not like other coaches are going to use this against Iowa in recruiting...
(BB hurriedly rushes to the telephone and rings up Iowa RB recruits like a brah)
Advice for Iowans who have accepted their fate: Like I said before, spread offenses are lots of fun to watch. You know, there is nothing more fun than throwing the ball 92 times a game. You'll love the bubble screen. Nothing bad can come of a conservative head coach trying to run a fast paced spread, right? Right? RIGHT!?!?!
So good luck with that Iowa. I hope this advice helps. We are all here for you in your difficult time. We may hate Iowa and your Iowegian ways, but we hope you get through this tough time. If all else fails, I recommend baseball. Iowa isn't all that bad there, right? Oh... (You do realize they are a Division I provisional team, right? Awesome.)