Bruce, like a Boss...Our conference, not so much.
Let's be honest. Two of the easiest columns to write (and get feedback from your readers) are 1) the power rankings column and 2) the pop culture comparison column. Much like that magical day when somebody got their peanut butter on my chocolate (or did I get my chocolate in her peanut butter?), it was predestined that one day these two great columns would be brought together...
This past weekend was one we'd all like to forget, and as soon as possible. Kind of like a typical weekend with Graham in Tijuana. At least when I awoke, I was told it was Tijuana. Might have been Tegucigalpa. My ears were still ringing from the gunfight and I was hung over like a bastard. I had an ATM withdrawal for over 67,000 Lempira with nothing to show for it but an empty bottle of tequila, a tattoo of the new OTE logo on my chest, a half eaten taco, the name 'Esmerelda Villa Lobos' scrawled on my hand with an illegible phone number, and pictures on my phone of me, Graham, and John L. Smith in a bar that was titled something something mostrar burro something.
PISS WAS HOT YO...
//rubs forehead, shudders
//damn you tequila
//smiles just a little bit
But I digress. On to the Power Poll!
Question for you: when you're on fire, what should you do? QUICKTELLMENOWYOU'REBURNING...
That's right, stop, drop, and roll. With the weekend the B1G just had, it's safe to say every team, with maybe the exception of Michigan State and Ohio State suffered burns, and is in need of some skin grafts. But how bad was it, really?
Not as bad as Mexico. Or Honduras. I don't think. Maybe. Probably. Definitely.
Just stop, drop, and roll. Rinse. Repeat. Find out if your school is a dumpster fire or something even worse, after the jump.
1. Michigan State (12 First Place Votes), 166 Points--Flamethrower
You're about the only one setting things on fire, as opposed to bursting into flames. This can be reversed with a loss to the potato eaters this week, though. Oh, Soldiers/Marines that were the flamethrower guy in their platoon were primary targets of the enemy. If they got hit, about the only thing left of them were their boots.
2. Ohio State (2), 144 Points--Couch Fire
In Columbus, we burn couches over a Michigan loss. We burn couches over a Michigan victory. And we'll burn them when Urban loses his first game. If that comes against Cal, there will be a critical couch AND loveseat shortage in the greater central Ohio region.
3. Michigan, 126 Points--House Fire
It's not a five alarm, out of control block fire, but after your thrashing in Dallas and near upset at the hands of Air Force last week, your smoke alarms just went off. Just make sure you grab the fire extinguisher this week, not the spare can of gasoline under the sink. And do you have any other chapters in your playbook besides the one titled 'Denard Robinson'? No? Sigh...just get a match and end it.
4. Northwestern, 125 Points--The Aqueon Fireplace, by Heat and Glo Corp
The world's most expensive fireplace, priced at over $50,000. Perfect for the gobs of disposable income Northwestern grad has laying around the
house estate. For the time being, it can also double for a trophy until they can put something in their case. It could be awhile. Enjoy the water powered fireplace.
5. Nebraska, 111 points--Chemical Plant Fire
A chemical plant fire usually starts unexpectedly, with a flash explosion, usually called a Pelini, followed by acrid smoke that releases toxins into the air, endangering the lives of hundreds, if not thousands of people. Much like the vaunted Blacklungs of Nebraska endangers the theory of 'defense'. And the after effects could linger for years. Bill Callahan says 'hi'.
6. Purdue, 99 Points--Saturn Five Rocket Ignition
The Saturn Five Rocket was a controlled burn of over 4,000,000 pounds of highly flammable rocket fuel that Purdue alum Neil Armstrong rode to the moon. Purdue could either make it to the moon of Indy or blow up in the most spectacular of fashion just clear of the conference launchpad. Danny Hope is your coach, so you tell me what it will be.
7. Wisconsin, 82 points--Dumpster Fire
You barely beat an FCS team in your home opener, lost to a terrible Oregon State team and Biels fired his offensive line coach and replaced him with a quality control assistant. For now, it might be self contained, but there's a decent chance the dumpster is also full of gasoline. And sits in the middle of a napalm factory that's failed their last 27 OHSA safety inspections. And Biels is leaning up against it, sunglasses on, collar up, smoking a white phosphorous cigarette and chugging a Natty Light. 'Cause brahs don't give a fuck, cubby.
8. Minnesota, 81 Points--Bonfire
Hey, you're 2-0! Let's have a celebratory bonfire. Bonfires are fun, but as dry as it's been in the Midwest this year, one misstep and TCF Bank Stadium could burn down. Or conversely everything will be Killed With Fire. Either way, shit's going down in flames. Really depends on which way the wind blows at this point. #WINFIGHTBURNBABYBURN
9. Iowa, 51 Points--Oil Field Fire
Oil field fires release foul smelling smoke that can blind you if you don't close your eyes, much like Iowa's offense. Once that oil (also called the 'Greg Davis Playbook') ignites the life sucking flame and fumes can be almost impossible to put out, and Red Adair isn't the Iowa coach. Which means this could burn all season long. It is an environment inhospitable for bronze pigs and CyHawks, whatever the hell those are.
10. Illinois, 44 Points--Fireworks Factory Explosion
Technically not a fire per se, it's usually triggered by a freak occurrence...like a quarterback injury, and that leads to a ton of carnage, like a massive amount of turnovers and about 11,000 yards of offense given up. It's definitely not what you were expecting, but it is a spectacular shit show. Like 'can't turn away this is so unbelievable' kind of shit show. Like 'was that Ron Zook I just saw on the sideline?' kind of shit show.
11. Indiana, 41 Points--Campfire
Hey, you're 2-0! Let's go camping, start a nice little campfire, roast some marshmallows and tell some Antwaan Randle-El stories. In an unrelated note, every slasher movie where everyone is systematically butchered starts out this way. It looks like Tre Roberson was the first victim, unfortunately.
12. Penn State, 19 Points--The Tunguska Event
The Tunguska event was the most massive conventional explosion in history, leaving a smoking hole that lasted for generations, with the effects still lingering over 100 years later. Everything at or near the center of the explosion was burned and died in a massive fireball.
For the week, we have 14 voters from the staff participating, with one writer leaving off OSU and PSU for their NCAA sanctions.
Remember, teach a school to build a fire, and they'll stay warm. Set a school on fire, and they're obviously playing football in the B1G this year. Or they're Arkansas. #PISSISONFIREYO