Ladies and Gentlemen of the Commentariat,
I am not here to brag about our two consecutive wins over the Hawkeyes of Iowa University. I am not here to boast about our 62-42-2 series record, our 41-34-2 trophy record, or even the countless things the State and University of Minnesota has contributed to the betterment of the global society in comparison to our forlorn neighbors to the south. Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm here for a pig.
You may be asking yourself: "Why am I here? The looming worldwide bacon shortage affects me, but I don't care about pigs. My interests like in manly objects with testicular fortitude - spittoons, cannons, axes and
tomahawks Monopoly pieces, jewelry I can trade for bitchin' tattoos and Affliction shirts and bowling trophies with lasers. Hell, I've even spent weekends looking at a bell or two. Filthy pigs have no place in my life and I will say "Good Day" to you sir. GOOD DAY!"
But Ladies and Gentlemen of the Commentariat, let me tell you about this pig... it's not just any pig. You see, this pig has lineage - the kind of hog, which In this day and age, would come with paperwork, like a purebred Pomeranian from the Westminster Dog Show. The kind of hog that stops riots cold and makes nice men out of the meanest. The kind of hog that would receive a warm welcome anywhere, right on up to the Governor's office. The kind of hog that had a full belly in an era where millions went hungry across the heartland, but was never in fear of being poached. This hog - my friends - is Floyd of Rosedale.
Much has been written about this prized hog. In short - Floyd was liberated from a farm down south, celebrated throughout it's whole life in the land of the sky-blue waters, never spending more than a day in his native state. While visiting his brethren near our neighbors down south, Floyd caught a terrible disease and was struck dead. A memorial trophy was created in his honor and been battled over for generations.
This weekend, Floyd of Rosedale is taking another trip south. Fortunately, the materials used in Floyd's memorial are impervious to the maladies which strike our neighbors to the south, as the price of scrap bronze could not score you a single dosage of even the most illicit, clandestine and bootleg crystalline methamphetamine. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Commentariat, I implore you to salute health, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and the American Dream. Protect the Pig. Don't let Floyd stay in Iowa a single night. Who knows when brass futures will skyrocket and the local knaves will snatch Floyd like copper piping and wire from a foreclosed home in Detroit or an "Idiots Guide to Dating" in West Lafayette. This hog has done too much for this country, and society as a whole, to be left all alone in a den of thieves!
When you hear that call - and you know you will - stand up proudly, like generations before you and let them know: "WE HATE IOWA!" Keep Floyd in Minnesota. #ProtectThePig
My name is Marshmoose and I approve this message