August 30, 2012; Las Vegas, NV, USA; Minnesota Golden Gophers head coach Jerry Kill watches game action against the UNLV Rebels during the second half at Sam Boyd Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Gary A. Vasquez-US PRESSWIRE
Four Days, a bunch of OTE writers, and one long stream of consciousness. About a month ago, I asked the writers if they would be down for trying to live out the first weekend of college football together. Since most of us have iPhones or other smartphone type things, it was fairly easy to shoot a bunch of little thoughts between each other. My initial goal was, "Hey, why don't I get out every single E-mail that was written and make an entire column out of it?" However, that was stopped extremely short upon realizing just how terribly difficult it is to combine over 150 e-mails into a semi-coherent thought when they are all threaded and people took random threads to jump around on thoughts.
Instead, I give you a unique, albeit self-indulgent and a bit ridiculous, recap of some of the things us writers are thinking during the games. As you relive Ted's moment of insanity, MSULaxer's love affair with his Spartans, Graham doing more analogies about dates that any person should be able to do, and Michigan fans melting down, just remember, at least our normal content is good. With no regards for our reputations, I present to you the OTE Stream of Consciousness Week One.
Night 1: Thursday August 30
Jesse: Hey Everyone,
Graham: B1G B1G B1G
Ted: I'm so in. Fuck Michigan.
Hilary: I'm trying to decide if the slight stomach churn I feel at watching an SEC game is worth braving just to say I watched the first kickoff of the season.
Mike: I'm in Chicago so I'll be too drunk for consciousness.
Jesse:That's probably not such a bad deal Mike. So who is excited for the Vandy upset?
Hilary: You drinking at a bar at any point Mike?
C.E. Bell: If I wasn't working/packing to head up to the in-laws in Michigan this weekend, I'd join you to get drunk, Mike. Root for Vandy...nerd pride.
Graham: If I wasn't at the GOP convention, I would join you all in chi town. Goooooooose Island 312 baby
Mike: Were taking it easy. Cubs game errrrrrrr Cubs loss tomorrow. [Cubs did win the next day]
Hilary: Graham you've been in Chicago multiple times and we still have never drunk together. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE
Ted: I live 4 hours from Chicago. If you guys ever get together, give me a shout. I'll make the trip. Can I crash at someone's place? I promise I'll only throw up in your toilet. Maybe sink. Possibly kitchen sink, but it'll be on the garbage disposal side.
Oh, and both daughter the oldest and daughter the middle told us they're both expecting. One is due in March, the other in April. Yeah, I'm going to be a grandpa. Pretty cool.
Now, all of you--My lawn. Get the fuck off it.
Graham: Yeah I need to get on that hammered with Hilary train, my bad. Go candy! [ed note: Candy? Really?]
Hilary: Wow. That was an epic non-call. Some SEC refs.
Jesse: That game sucked and the refs sucked more. Can't not make that PI call.
Graham: Yeah that was a 2nd date arm grab right there.
Graham: Mike Leach...is back! Sound the air raid sirens and the lack of a run game.
But seriously OTE writers, if you want to not be part of this convo and receive these consciousness streams, just click "mute".
Ted: You can't mute Mike Leach. Mike Leach can mute you, though.
Babaoreally: Anybody have any opinions on these Minnesota uniforms?
C.E. Bell: I would, if I could find CBS Sports channel on my cable.
Ted: I like them. I really like the helmet.
Babaoreally: I don't like the helmet at all. I hated the sparkly helmets they had recently, but I don't like the new shade combined with the matted look. The M looks pretty good, though.
MSULaxer: Is this game on real TV? Like a channel somebody could get in Alabama?
Graham: I'm at a Journey concert btw. Journey.
Ted: Shine on, you crazy diamond, shine on.
Ted: Jesus Christ Minnesota. You almost made me invent a Bleach and Vodka mixer. It's 2 in the morning, you won, but it was as unsatisfying a win as going to Golden Corral and there being no steak at the buffet.
God damn it. Now I have to be up in four hours for work. Thanks for that, too. Fuck.
J.D. Mill: The Gophers took a good 6 years off of my life tonight. Also, bourbon.
Day 2: Friday August 31st
Jesse: This seems like a good theme for Gopher fans this season.
JD Mill: That is the theme of EVERY Gopher football season.
Incidentally, I saw George Thorogood in concert two weeks ago and the guy still puts on a stellar show.
----INSERT BREAK UNTIL NIGHTTIME----
MSULaxer: Great first drive for MSU. Shut down BSU drive down and score.
(Insert about seven actual game reactions including an ouch, a wow, and giving Boise 3 pts as a penalty for a stupid interception... Since this was the first game we were all awake and watching, it's fair to point out that someone was giving actual insight)
Ted: MSU has done more SPARTY NOOOOOOO!!!! moments in the first half of this game than in the last two years combined. Color me unimpressed by Maxwell so far.
MSULaxer: Me too.
Ted: Maxwell is terrible. If he was Elite 11, who were the other 10? Jeebus.
(five minutes later) Holy fuck, but the ghost of John L. Smith has invaded East Lansing.
Graham: 5 yard slant ? Or 20 yard deep out?
Maxwell while iffy, had a better 2nd half and broke his cherry. It's a shame BSU won't play any one else so we can get a better measure of their team.
Babaoreally: They play BYU on the blue turf. That could be interesting.
Day 3: Saturday September 1st
Hilary: Oh god I missed having a reason to get up early on Saturdays. FOOOOOTBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL!!!
C.E. Bell: Time for beer? Time for beer. Good luck, B1G.
Hilary and Chad: Something, something, something. VENRIC MARK SPEEEEEED... something something something... [ed note: I'm sure they won't be putting me in charge of this recap for very long]
MSULaxer: Only SEC/ ACC games on here. Not watching.
Ted: If OSU loses to Miami, I'm burning my couch.
MSULaxer: Following on ESPN...You ok Ted? Ted?
TWFKA Paterno Ave: Penn State's offense has arrived...in the 21st century.
C.E. Bell: Burning couches? So they'll be burning presidents in effigy? #Eastwooding
Oh, and LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Penn State. Minnesota has a better record than you.
Also, I'm drunk. I love college football. And alcohol. And Urban Meyer.
In all seriousness, Northwestern got the W, and that's all that matters. Nebraska looks good, Illinois won convincingly, and we've got a lot of football to go. Based on the Penn State game I might need to cheer for Michigan tonight, and that makes me unhappy.
C.E. Bell: We're a B1G blog. We root for B1G teams.....especially when they face the Confederacy.
(But we can still rejoice in a rival's suffering if they get curb stomped. A win-win, am I right?)
Jesse: (Lots of incoherent Taylor Martinez talk...)
Ted: God damn it Chad, I will not be subjected to a loyalty test. Unless by 'loyalty test' you mean forced to have sex with Kate Upton. Then, okay.
Jon: A little before noon I ordered a Lips of Faith Cocoa Mole Chile Ale (my fifth beer of the day) at a Gastropub in Hollywood. I proceeded to walk two miles home, then slept for a half hour. I just woke up and feel fantastic. Hooray for college football! P.S. Taylor Martinez does look good. Interesting.
Hilary: I won't be truly happy unless Wisconsin scores 30 points in the 4th quarter.
Hilary: I don't care that my boots have wooden heels. I am jumping the fuck around in my apartment. Too bad downstairs neighbors.
Ted: 1 minute left in the 3rd quarter and Iowa goes deep. I think I can hear the "we Love Ken" cheers in Iowa City already.
Jesse: Can Iowa take care of business already. I've been trying to defend them an would really prefer they don't lose this game.
"I might need to cheer for Michigan tonight"
I'm going to save this email.
Ted: My account was hacked. Fuck Michigan. As far as anyone else knows...
Jon: Is it just me or did the SEC Logo get bigger on Bama's uniforms? Was that really necessary? Anybody not know who that league was?
Hilary: It does look a little bigger....
Brian: Gonna be a long night...
Graham: Games over. We're askin denard to throw 25 yard outs? What the fuck. Pick. G'night.
Jesse: Mayhap Denard should've spent some time with a QB Guru in the offseason...
Graham: Looks like denard is hurt. Someone go get him whatever that running back in Varsity Blues had put in his body before James Vandenbeek led a player revolt during halftime.
Jesse: Not gonna lie, the speed at which OTE has turned on Michigan in the open thread is remarkable. It's reminiscent of the speed at which Bama is playing in comparison to that of the Wolverines.
I'm going to show myself out now...
Graham: /throws pie at Jesse
Jon: I went to pick up a pizza, how's Michigan doing? :)
Graham: Fuckin Franz
Graham: We've also thrown four balls to a former quarterback essentially playing wide receiver for the first time.
...Which means we had all offseason to gameplan. And came up with the above.
Jon: Look on the bright side. It took LSU three and a half quarters to cross the 50 yard line against Bama's defense and Michigan did it in two. I suppose that makes them the second best team in college football.
MSULaxer: That sideline reporter interviewing Saban is only 5'4".
Ted: Nick Saban was trying his damndest not to laugh when asked how the first half went.
What he said: "This game is far from over. Denard can score from anywhere."
What he was thinking: "
MSULaxer: Oklahoma should not be a top ten team when the next poll comes out. UM will not be either.
Graham: Um. Yup. Agree with all that.
Day 4: Sunday, September 2nd
Hilary: So. The first set of NCAA action is done. How do we all feel? I'm still warm and fuzzy. Or maybe that's just all the beer....
Brian: I'm somewhere south of warm and fuzzy...
Jesse: One week down, a whole bunch more to go. Not gonna lie everyone, life is better with college football. Also... [insert long rant about Michigan basically giving ESPN a reason to be more annoying]
Ted: Man, it's good to have CFB back. Overall, I can't complain about the outcome from the weekend. PSU and Michigan struggled, which wasn't unexpected. Everyone else won. 10-2 is what I was expecting for the weekend, truth be told.
Brian: The joy of having CFB back lasted about 15 minute for me. Struggled? Poland put up a better fight against the Germans than Michigan did last night. I can't remember ever being this deflated - and I had a lot of practice dealing with early season losses during Lloyd Carr's reign of terror.
MSULaxer: That's pretty good Brian...considering yesterday was the 73rd anniversary of the Invasion of Poland. Poland had the best cavalry in the world in 1939. Unfortunately the Nazi's had the best tanks.
Mike: Wha.... What happened?
Brian: To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure. Most of the night was a blur...