Have mysterious dark forces been conspiring against Michigan State all these years?
Scene: Jim Delany's office, B1G HQ, Oak Park, IL. Delany is in a meeting with Mark Dantonio. Dantonio is in a foul mood---his shirt looks mysteriously like an old Michigan one, but the block ‘M' stitching has been removed and replaced with a Spartan logo taped on the other side, and dyed a color not of this world, with maybe a tinge of blue. It's certainly not the MSU green. Also, it looks ill-fitting and loose on Dantonio, and it might be a couple more seasons before he grows into it.
Look, Commissioner, I'm just saying it smelled fishy, that's all.
Oh Jesus, Dantonio, would you lay off the conspiracy theories? You're really starting to worry me.
It's not a conspiracy if it's a FACT. And I read this on an Internet message board. So it is fact. A. Fact.
Mark, there is no conspiracy against MSU, and no one doing anything to intentionally harm you.
//takes big drag on Romeo y Julieta Churchill stogie
//blows smoke in Dantonio's face
Why would I want to do anything to hurt Sparty? For one, I am commissioner of the entire conference, and the welfare of all 63 teams in the Big Ten is important to me.
That's what the Internet message boards tell me.
I know. I've known before most of the other sheeple.
I know you know.
And I know that you know that I know.
Anyway...where was I? Oh yeah, something something you're all important to me, and secondly, let's really look into this Mark. Don't you think maybe...just maybe...all of MSU's past problems were brought on by...MSU?
No! We are actively conspired against!
You guys do enough to hurt yourself on a yearly basis, going back to the founding of this conference. Are you familiar with Occam's razor?
Occam was an OSU grad, and also conspiring against us.
Holy shit. Okay Mark, listen. I think you might have a problem. Have you thought about maybe seeing a doctor?
I don't NEED A GODDAMN DOCTOR! I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO BELIEVE ME!
Okay, okay, calm down buddy. Caaaaaallllllm down. It'll be okay. Look, let's just say, for the sake of argument, you might be on to something. Tell me what you know.
I have it on good authority that there is a book, written by the Masons, published by the Illuminati, protected by the Knights Templar with operations financed by the Rothschilds, that has specific, written instructions that spell out...IN GREAT DETAIL...how The One World Conference will not rest until they destroy Michigan State.
You're shitting me.
No, I'm not.
Seriously, you're shitting me, right?
Your denials and disbelief further PROVE I AM RIGHT.
What's this ‘good authority' that you're talking about?
Other Michigan State fans...who have put it on the Internet.
Hang on a minute Mark.
...Mrs Wiggins, what else do I have on my schedule for today?
...the only other thing is at 2:30 today, sir.
Not a who, Mr D. A what. It says here: ‘Finish off the ACC'.
Ah yes, yes. That shouldn't take more than a few minutes. Re-schedule that for tomorrow.
Yes sir. Is everything okay?
Yes, yes, everything is fine. I just have a front row seat to Mark Dantonio's nervous breakdown. Looks like the lunatic fringe of his fan base finally got to him. Who had ‘January 2013' in the conference pool?
Kevin Wilson, sir.
Well, I'll be. That sumbitch actually won something in this conference. Go figure. Anyway, just adjust my schedule, okay? Thanks.
Okay, Mark. The floor is yours.
Well, there have been countless conspiracies against us over the years.
Really? Please continue.
//shuffles through a stack of jumbled papers
Okay, how about this one...let's see here...yes, here it is. Nick Saban.
What about him?
He should still be at Michigan State, but he's not. Because of the vast B1G conspiracy.
Honestly Mark, what in the two fucks are you talking about?
Well, let's break it down. FACT: Nick Saban was ready to sign a lifetime contract at MSU. FACT: The day before he was going to sign, he was approached by the Men in Black. FACT: The MSU board of trustees COULD have given Saban a raise, but CHOSE NOT TO. Why? Because FACT: EVERY member of the MSU board of trustees was either a Freemason, on the Council on Foreign Relations, or a member of the Bilderberg group.
And finally, FACT: LSU, backed by the Rothschilds, flew a BLACK HELICOPTER to Saban's house AFTER the MIB visit. No one knows what was said in that conversation, but THERE WAS ONE. And even more interesting---THERE WAS NO CONTRACT SIGNED. Then Saban mysteriously dies in a car accident less than 24 hours later.
Um, Mark? Nick Saban went on to coach at LSU. Then the NFL. Now he's at Alabama. Maybe you saw them beat Notre Dame for the National Championship on Monday. Seriously, the Catholics hadn't taken a beating that bad since Martin Luther and the Diet of Worms.
FACT: The CIA staged the Saban "accident" and had an identical car and a body double to assume Saban's identity.
I....wow...that's...holy shit Mark. You been under a lot of stress lately? That's just...wow dude.
Think about it for a second. Who gets hurt the most by a strong Michigan State, Jim?
I have no idea where your logic train is going. I'm just along for the ride.
Jim, think this through! After Saban's death was staged and his puppet body double goes to LSU, Bobby Williams gets installed as head coach right away. No investigation, no explanation...nothing. And what are Bobby Williams' credentials? Or Morris Watts? These guys were plants, trained by the KGB, infiltrated into the US, and trained specifically to destroy American college football programs! DON'T YOU SEE IT?
Mark, there's nothing to see. There was no investigation, because Saban...who wasn't killed in a car accident, was offered more money to go to LSU, and the guys hired after him until you got hired were collectively dumber than a bag of hammers. That's it. That's the story.
WRONG sir, WRONG. If you're right, how come the Internet was mysteriously flooded with stories about Saban going to LSU a FULL 24 HOURS PRIOR TO HIS QUOTE HIRING UNQUOTE? Here, look at these picures. In the first one, you see a scowling Nick Saban...
and after the car accident you see a smiling Nick Saban:
The real Nick Saban...wait for it...NEVER HAD A SMILE. This proves my body double theory!
So what are you saying?
FACT: Saban never wanted to leave MSU. FACT: That petrified OSU and Michigan, and threatened their conference hegemony. FACT: Saban is killed in an accident staged by the CIA and replaced with a clone. FACT: Shortly after Williams is installed as coach, large sums of money are transferred from the Ohio State and Michigan athletic budgets to off shore accounts in the Cayman Islands. Follow the money Jim.
Really, you're swimming in an ocean of what the fuck right now. You know that, right?
I am not. If the CIA can fake the moon landing, WHICH THEY SO TOTALLY DID, they can fake something as simple as this. Here, look at this picture. Do you know what that is?
It looks like...Oades Big Ten liquor store, right there in Lansing.
That's what THEY want you to think.
Who in the name of Jesse Ventura would quote...they...unquote be, Mark?
Mother of Christ, what the fuck does Oades have to do with anything? Did you get some bad liquor there?
That's just it. FACT: Hundreds, if not thousands of people drive there every day in random cars, coming from all directions and heading out in all directions, like they're being ordered there and then dispatched out. FACT: Those are all under cover government vehicles they arrive and depart in. FACT: It's not a liquor store, it's a front. FACT: There is a 65 room underground bunker complex where genetic cloning takes place. That's where the Saban clone was created. FACT: It's also linked by underground light rail directly to the Denver airport, allowing for a quick escape by laboratory employees in case their bunker is ever compromised.
There's no underground complex there, Mark. Maybe, just maybe, people are going there to get booze. Notice that all those people come out of there with liquor bottles, or cases of beer?
FACT: There is no quote...alcohol...unquote in those bottles. Those are marching orders from the One World Conference.
Wow, the last time I saw a brain this far gone was John L., but I thought he was in the last stages of syphilis.
SPEAKING OF JOHN L. SMITH
Oh fuck me
We know that he was a CIA plant sent to destroy our program.
Yeah, that one I would actually buy. You're probably on to something there.
But the big conspiracies are 2010 and 2011.
Yes. FACT: After the 2010 season, MSU won a share of the Big Ten and we went 11-2, and word was we were getting the Sugar Bowl. Then what happens? Coincidentally, there is a meeting of the Freemasons going on at the same time bowl selections are going out, and they're both taking place on the same continent. Is that a coincidence? I don't think so. There are secret meetings, no records are kept, and lo and behold Ohio State is in the Sugar Bowl.
Well, if there are no records, how do you know there were meeting?
Because it FITS MY NARRATIVE AND MY ACCUSATION CANNOT BE DISPROVEN!
Mark, let me give you a couple of facts. FACT: Ohio State is an automatic ratings win for TV. FACT: Their fan base travels well. FACT: That means more money for the bowls and networks, which is why they got picked over you. Oh, and FACT: You got skullfucked by Alabama in the Cap One Bowl, exposing your team as a paper tiger and proving you had no business going to the BCS.
No, we were set up. FACT: The night before the game at our team meal, our food was spiked with a mild hallucinogen. FACT: That hallucinogen caused every players reaction time to slow. FACT: Alabama's team meal was spiked with a performance enhancement drug. FACT: After the game, large sums of money were transferred from the Ohio State and Michigan athletic budgets to offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands. Based on those FACTS, it's obvious the CIA, working in conjunction with Israel's Mossad, planted agents in both kitchens and drugged us to ensure our loss, and it was all financed by Ohio State and Michigan.
Maybe Alabama was just better than you and kicked your ass.
You only believe that because that's the story pushed by the lamestream media, who are financed by the Koch brothers to dumb down the sheeple.
You've really had a break with reality, Mark. You need help
I'M NOT DONE. Last year, we were robbed from going to the Rose Bowl.
Wait a minute. You had an opportunity to go, but you lost to Wisconsin in the B1G Championship game.
No sir, that's not what happened.
Of course not. Was it the Bilderbergs that pushed your player into the punter?
FACT: Our player hadn't done that all year. FACT: 5 minutes before that punt, the NSA went on full military alert. FACT: If you take another look at the film shot by a fan in the stands from a different angle, a clip that we call the Zapruder film, there was a mysterious, shadowy figure in the grassy knoll of Lucas Oil stadium. FACT: After the game, our player had no recollection of what happened. FACT: Immediately after the game, large sums of money were transferred from both the Ohio State and Michigan athletic budgets to off-shore accounts in the Cayman Islands.
Based on these FACTS, there is only one possible scenario: The NSA, using high frequency radio waves from HAARP, were able to connect the brain of a CIA mind control psychic, who telepathically possessed the body of our player, forcing him to run into the kicker and then erase his thoughts, effectively ‘wiping his tracks' that the CIA was ever there. And it was all financed by Michigan and Ohio State.
//stares at MD, sweat breaks across his bow. Presses silent buzzer under his desk
What's the matter commissioner?
Mark, I don't know how you figured it out, but you did.
I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I'M GOING TO THE PRESS TO BLOW THE LID OFF THIS THING.
No Mark, you're not going anywhere.
Wh-wh-what do you mean?
//Urban Meyer and Brady Hoke appear from behind a hidden door, wearing black suits, white shirts, and black ties with dark sunglasses.
Mark, we thought you were going to play ball. But you started asking questions, poking around. We thought when we planted Dan Roushar on your coaching staff, his incompetence would consume all your spare time. But no, you kept asking questions that shouldn't be asked, finding answers that weren't meant to be found.
So I was right about everything!
Well, not everything.
Yeah, I kinda thought the clone factory below Oades Big Ten was a stretch.
No, you nailed that one.
No shit? Even the monorail straight to Denver airport?
Yeah, right on the money.
Son of a bitch. Well, what was I wrong about?
Us working with the Mossad to drug your pre-game meal.
Well if it wasn't the Mossad, who was it? MI-6? GSG-9?
No, we didn't drug your meal. We conspired to keep you out of the BCS, but yeah, you legitimately got the shit kicked out of you.
Well, you can't get rid of me, who will coach MSU?
//secret door opens behind desk
EVERYBODY SMILE, OKAY?