Good morning Off Tackle Empire! We are so happy to have you here today. Let's go ahead and give a huge round of applause to the 2013 College Football Regular Season. We sure have had a heck of a year. Between the big plays, bad breaks, great coaching and horrible coaching, and lack of relative insanity from the Emperor, you might not blame Urban Meyer for Sad Pizza Face!
[pan to an angry Urban Meyer trying not to come on stage and strangle the Asian host]
Anyhow, as many of you know, we have started a little tradition here on OTE. In fact, with this being the third year in a row, you could probably call this a tradition. Not unlike Wisconsin losing in the Rose Bowl [rim shot]! BAM, I am on fire tonight. But seriously, we take these awards as a major honor. For those of you who have no clue what I'm talking about, for the past few years, we at OTE HQ have honored the best of the B1G regular season with our own Insanely Long Name Awards that help support the other Insanely Long Named Awards that the Chicago HQ puts out. Now I know what you're thinking right now, "But Jesse, those awards give kids memories for a lifetime. What do yours give?" The answer? Well, I'm not sure, but we do have fun.
Anyhow, for the past week or so, I have asked the OTE Braintrust for nominations for this years honorees. I tried to fit them into categories where I could photoshop an image for each one. Then I realized this is going to be the world's longest post as-is. So instead I have broken them up into individual awards and team awards. Today you get individuals and tomorrow we'll push out the team awards. Congratulations to all of our winners in advance... I'm sure they're SO PROUD!
Via Graham - The He-Came-In-Like-A-Wrrrecking-Ball Award goes to Carlos Hyde. Finally Urban Meyer got the big back he always dreamed of. Hyde ran through arm tackles and ran over basically everything, all year. He's my B1G Offensive Player of the Year. That offense, combined with that physical talent, makes the 230 pounder my favorite wrecking ball of 2013.
Also Via Graham - The similarly themed Miley-Cyrus-Life-Is-A-Cycle Award goes to Carlos Hyde. Both started their 2013 with controversy, Cyrus for the VMA-performance, Hyde with a bar fight based suspension, and both finished with huge hits, Cyrus with Wrecking Ball and Hyde with his 145 ypg, first-team All-B1G performance.
Via Chad - The Keyser-Soze-Memorial-May-He-Come-Back-Next-Year-and-Exact-Scorched-Earth-Vengeance-On-Everyone-for-the-Atrocities-Afflicted-Upon-Him-in-2013 Award will be shared, between Venric Mark - who did this to OSU when healthy, and who is expected to return in 2014 for a redshirt senior season - and Jerry Kill - seriously, get well and back on the sidelines, because coaches who look like their team's mascot are rare.
Via Mike - The Not-Really-Playing-Along-but-Still-Trolling-Chad Award goes to Venric Mark as well because Mike is funny and asked if rumors that Mark is made of Peanut Brittle is true. This was much funnier before I typed it out.
More Via Chad - The Being-A-Michigan-Man-Cost-Me-Millions Award goes to Taylor Lewan. Last year's draft, he would have been the number 1 pick....MAYBE at worst in the top 5. Now, after a 7-5 campaign for Big Blue, he's entering one of the most stacked drafts of all-time, and per the latest SBNation Mock Draft he might end up going 10th. Way to blow millions to lose to the Buckeyes and Michigan State again.
Via GoAUpher - The OH-MY-GAWD-HE-JUST-ATE-A-GUY! award goes to Ra'Shede Hageman, who simply gobbled up more players this season then any Gopher player in recent memory.
Via Ted - The Tim-Brewster-WINFIGHTTRY-GET-YOUR-DADGUM-CHILI-HOT Award goes to Illinois coach Tim Beckman. Oh, Becks...you give us almost as much joy as Brewster and the Zooker at this point, and your continued ineptitude combined with your near sideline fistfight with Bill Cubit makes us realize how far coaching has come in our conference since those guys left. Thanks for being the bell curve.
Via Candystripes for Breakfast - The If-Merging-People-Was-Socially-Acceptable-We'd-Have-One-Good-Heisman-Candidate Award goes to Nate Sudfeld and Tre Roberson, who combined have all the tools to be a great B1G quarterback, but are not nearly so consistent separately.
Via babaoreally - The 2013-Regional-Hypermarket-Chain-of-the-Year-Award goes to Urban
Via Jesse - The Dennis-Green-Explains-Things-So-Well Award goes to the Pac-12 officials, with a hat tip to Stave and the Wisconsin staff for thinking something good would happen by not doing the norm, at the end of the Wisconsin-ASU game. That group is exactly who we thought they were - incompetent.
Via Chad - The Willie-Mays-Ugly-End-to-Great-Career-Awards: I'm sure there are many but Kain Colter, Tyler Scott, and Damien Proby did not deserve to go out that way, particularly Colter, who didn't get to suit up for the LOLHat battle. I sorta feel bad for Taylor Martinez, too, who was essentially a non-factor for the Cornhuskers this year.
Via Jesse - The Pride-Comes-Before-The-Fall-Especially-When-Attached-to-Brosefs Award goes to Jen Bielema. #karma which leads to...
Via Chad - The-You-Can-Take-the-Bert-Out-of-Madison-but-You-Can't-Take-the-Bro-Out-of-Bert Award goes to Jen Bielema, who out-douched her husband.
Via Ted - The I-Make-Gordon-Ramsey-Look-Like-a-People-Person Award: Bo Pelini. You were vintage Pelini to the refs against Iowa, and then went all 'I so don't give a fuck' in the post game press conference.
Via Jesse - The Friday-Night-Lights-Has-Nothing-On-Us Award goes to the eyes-closed heave from Ron Kellogg III to Jordan Westerkamp. You couldn't have scripted a fat guy quarterback throwing the ball - and falling down - that ball getting tipped by the defender, and then it landing safely in the freshman's hands. Well, you could have, but you probably would've been laughed at.
and to close today's awards...
Via Ted - The HIPSTER-BRO-SARCASTIC-YET-STILL-IRONIC-BLOGGER-AWARD goes to Jesse Collins for doing a blog post at Starbucks. [ed note: yes, I did this at Starbucks. No, I'm not that hipster. Yes, I did drink Starbucks before it was cool. Jerks.]
Tomorrow we will conclude this year's award ceremonies with the team offerings. For now, go ahead and nominate a few of individuals yourself. I'm sure you can outdo us better than we can. You know, because you all actually watch football.