OTE's All-Empire Team: Punter and Other Less Important Positions

Oh, look. It's the best punter in college football, never mind the conference. - Mike Carter-USA TODAY Sports

Coaches, undersized guys with motors, smoke-filled backrooms, and the coveted Punter of the Year Award!

For a brief explanation of the "rules," such as they were, I'll refer you to Jesse's compilation of the offensive awards, but let's be real: the action this year is all about defense. You know, galactically significant defense in particular. And it wouldn't be B1G awards season without controversy in the punter award. The envelope, please:

The Mike Jones High Motor Defensive Lineman of the Year Award: Shilique Calhoun, Michigan State

Normally, the criteria for this award require the recipient to be white and 6'2" or shorter in honor of Mike Jones, the staff's resident undersized, high-motor high school defensive end. Turns out there aren't really that many defensive ends who fit those criteria in the B1G, and even fewer (read: none) that had noteworthy seasons. Ergo the criteria are suspended.

Shilique Calhoun- 4 votes

Randy Gregory- 3 votes

Noah Spence- 2 votes

Some Spartan DWAG- 1 vote

The Hilary Lee Beast Mode Defensive Tackle of the Year Award: Ra'Shede Hageman, Minnesota

Hilary didn't make a specific request for an award to be named after her, but if she played football in high school, she was probably a run-stopping, quarterback-flattening force on the line, right?

Ra'Shede Hageman- 10 votes

The Candystripes For Breakfast Probably Would Have Been a Corner If He Had Played, And Probably Would Have Improved Indiana's Pass Defense This Season If He Had Award: Darqueze Dennard, Michigan State

Yeah, I chuckled at naming a defensive award after the Indiana writer, too.

Darqueze Dennard:  8 votes

Tim Bennett [Ed. note: Who?]: 2 votes

The Aaron Yorke Gets The Linebacker Award Because There Aren't Many Left And Also Linebacker U Or Something Award: Ryan Shazier, OSU, AND Chris Borland, Wisconsin

Hey, when one of your 11 voting writers only votes for the punter, ties are entirely possible. Nothing out of the ordinary about that.

Ryan Shazier- 5 votes

Chris Borland- 5 voters

The Babaoreally Hears Safety Play Is A Fun Thing For Your Defense To Have But Has Not Observed It Firsthand In A Decade Award: Kurtis Drummond, Michigan State

A free safety leading the team in tackles is usually a really bad sign because it means your linebackers are getting eaten by opposing offensive linemen and the other team's running for 8 yards a pop. Or, you know, that your system allows the free safety to fly all over the field, demolishing screens and finishing off ball carriers.

Kurtis Drummond- 8 votes

Ibraheim Campbell- 1 vote

Greg Heban- 1 vote

The MSULaxer27 1-11 Never Forget Memorial Returner of the Year Award: Kevonte Martin-Manley, Iowa, AND Kenny Bell, Nebraska

OK, this is some straight-up Tammany Hall bullsh!t. I am getting to the bottom of this if it's the last thing I ever do.

Kevonte Martin Manley- 4 votes

Kenny Bell- 4 votes

Shane Wynn- 1 vote

Akeem Hunt- 1 vote

The Brian Gillis I Got Nothing Clever Because He Never Admits Anything Embarrassing Assistant Coach of the Year Award: Pat Narduzzi, Michigan State

Nothing to see here.

Pat Narduzzi: 10 votes

The Beckman-Hazell 1-15 Conference Record Memorial Head Coaching Award: Minnesota Coaching Staff

After some discussion, we decided the best way to address Minnesota's situation was to consider votes for Jerry Kill or Tracy Claeys as combined votes for the entire Gopher staff.

Minnesota- 5 votes

Kirk Ferentz- 3 votes

Mark Dantonio- 2 votes

The Green Akers Golden Foot Punter of the Year Award: Cody Webster, [REDACTED]

I have never been more ashamed of this panel. What's Webster's YPC average? How many games did he WIN with his play this year? He couldn't crack the Top 100 Sexiest College Football Players in the West Lafayette Picayune ferchrissakes. The politics, man. The fucking politics. Disgusting. //spits on award

Cody Webster- 4 votes

Mike Sadler- 3 votes

Peter Mortell- 2 votes

Cameron Johnston- 1 vote

Sebastian Janikowski- 1 vote [Ed. note: OH REAL MATURE HE DOESN'T EVEN PUNT ANYMORE]

That's all. The fucking awards are over. Everyone go home. //shuts off power

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