All-MSU Power Poll: Christmas Movies Edition

Gregory Shamus

It came to my attention on the main thread that MSU should actually be mentioned in conjunction with all of the movies on Jesse's power poll, as they fit them all better than any other team (being possessors of the Best Defense in the Galaxy, you see, a gift with innumerable perks.) So, I've taken it upon myself to correct Jesse's doubtlessly inadvertent slight of our friends in green, the Only Christmas Color.

1. Miracle on 34th Street--MSU: "You started out as a weird old man who really only entered the picture as a nice story. You finished with a performance that made believers out of all of us and now we are more sure than ever that you are - in fact - the real Best Defense in the Galaxy Santa Claus." (Jesse already got this one right, after all.)

2. Home Alone--MSU: Connor Cook headlines as a seemingly hapless kid who ends up to have more tricks up his sleeve than anyone ever dreamed. His increasingly masterful performances leave opponents with an "M(SU)" burned painfully onto their hands or an iron mark on their faces.

3. A Christmas Story--MSU: Mark Dantonio stars as a dour dad who'd shoot a man for letting the Bumpus hounds eat the Christmas turkey. But the Old Man proves he's not made of stone and he cracks a smile when he finally owns Urban Meyer, his own gleaming, possibly Italian leg lamp.

4. It's a Wonderful Life--MSU: Every time Mike Sadler nails a punt (or wears a tuxspeedo), an angel gets its wings.

5. Elf--MSU: Smiling's their favor...well, wait, this one doesn't work very well. Um, how about we cast Mike Sadler as the beautiful elf everyone adores.

6. A Christmas Carol--MSU: Let's face it, this really should have been the Muppet Christmas Carol. Jim Delaney (Waldorf) and Dave Witvoet (Statler) star as Marley and Marley, the ghosts of Christmases Past, who have always heckled, criticized, and dare we say, conspired against MSU.

7. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer--MSU:

♫ Narduzzi, the defensive coordinator/ Had a very shiny defense/ And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows./ All of the other coaches/ Used to laugh and call him names (like Little Brother!)/ They never let poor Narduzzi/ Join in any coordinator games (like, uh, football).

Then one stormy OOC/ Dantonio came to say (Hohoho!)/ Narduzzi with your defense so bright!/ Won't you bail out my team tonight?/ Then all the Spartan fans loved him (loved him!)/ As they shouted out with glee (Yippee!)/ Narduzzi the red-nosed defensive coordinator/ You'll go down in history! (Best in the galaxy!) ♬

8. A Charlie Brown Christmas--MSU: Like this Christmas classic, the MSU coaching staff is truly a masterpiece of an ensemble cast. Where would MSU be without distinctively coiffed Sally (Jim Bollman)? Or special teams specialist Lucy (Mike Tressel)? And don't forget Mark Hollis as Schroeder. The only question is whether Peanuts or the coaching staff do a better ensemble dance.

9. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation--MSU: California isn't quite Hawaii, but it's close enough for you to get your post-New Year's Mele Kalikimaka on with some babes wearing red green at the hotel pool. At least until the Bullough brothers decide to unleash their "famous" double cannonball move and drive off all the babes. Can't win 'em all, I guess.

10. Jingle All the Way--MSU: One of the few Christmas films to neatly parallel the in-state recruiting battle between Michigan and MSU, Schwartzenegger (Dantonio) and Sinbad (Brady Hoke) both vie for the latest in-state, five-star Turbo-Man action figures for their teams, in a film as dull as following actual recruiting.

11. Santa with Muscles--MSU: Starring the entire MSU defense as a fresh take on the titular character, the MSU defense proves that even in the most putrid, hard-to-watch films (the Purdue game), the defense uh, still has a lot of muscles. Furthermore, Shilique Calhoun also reportedly wears a sleeveless Santa coat around the holidays, a clear reminder of the sartorial heritage passed down from this movie.

12. Holiday in Handcuffs--MSU: No post about MSU would be complete without the requisite reminder that only one team in the conference is nicknamed the "Thugtans." I guess that makes them Melissa Joan Hart in this analogy. Cameo by Taylor Lewan.

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