Happy Hawkeye Holidays

Kirk Ferentz loves Christmas. You can tell by the look on his face. - Byron Hetzler-USA TODAY Sports

Happy Holidays from the Hawkeye State!

Dearest Conference Colleagues,

Happy Holidays (Festivus)! I hope all is well with you. Things aren't too bad in Hawkeye Country these days. The football team is currently enjoying 80 degree weather in Tampa, Florida, preparing for the Outback Bowl against LSU. And the stakes couldn't be higher: your love of receiving free coconut shrimp depends on the Hawkeyes winning. But honestly, who saw this coming? Personally, I had the Hawkeyes going 6-6 (3-5) back in August. Stewart Mandell had Iowa going 4-8 (1-7) and named Kirk Ferentz as one of the worst coaches in the nation. Now, before we get to Stewart Mandell let's laugh at the OTE writers who had Iowa going 3-9 or 2-10...

LOL TED.

LOL HILARY.

LOL CHRIS.

LOL AARON.

Now Stewart. Oh, Stewart. U MAD BRO? U JELLY? Here's the best part of that entire piece:

Just missed: Notre Dame's Brian Kelly, South Carolina's Steve Spurrier, Louisville's Charlie Strong, Georgia's Mark Richt, Arkansas' Bret Bielema

Five coaches who could be on this list in three years: Michigan's Brady Hoke, Stanford's David Shaw, Clemson's Dabo Swinney, Northwestern's Pat Fitzgerald, Miami's Al Golden

Bielema? Hoke? Fitzgerald? ROFL.

You're our bitch now, Stewart. You'll never live this down (literally, never).

As for the rest of you, it's been a crazy season. Good job, Michigan State, for ruining Ohio State's shot at a national title. Iowa fans really enjoy watching your defense...in fact, I think a few Iowa fans around here enjoy it a little too much (FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP). Minnesota, no hard feelings? Just come to grips with the fact that Floyd is ours and enjoy the Kill era. It's going to be a hell of a ride. Michigan...uh...let's be honest: you have all the signs of a has-been. Sorry. Hoke isn't the answer.

Northwestern, you'll get no sympathy from us. Your luck ran out. Fortunately, there are plenty of copies of Miss Lonelyhearts on campus. Sup Brutus? Man, if you only had a bunch of 4-star and 5-star recruits, a huge athletic budget and a CFB HOF worthy coach to take you to the BCS Championship. Wait...

Wisconsin. Why u lose to Penn State bro? Indiana, Kevin Wilson doesn't like to coach defense. That works in the Big 12 but it doesn't work in the Big Ten. You're going to be the most entertaining Big Ten team with a losing record over the next four years.

ILLINOIS IS ON THE RISE WIN FIGHT TRY LOSE PLAY FOR BECK.

[comments on a certain team in West Lafayette go here]

Oh, I almost forgot you, Nebraska. And how could we forget you? I mean, considering we Iowans spend nearly all of our free time drooling and masturbating while thinking about beating you I think it's only fair that you deserve some attention. Let's put it this way: you're a spectacle to behold. It's like being friends with someone in a bad relationship. Everyone knows you and Bo aren't right for each other but year after year you convince yourself that it's going to work and year after year it's nothing but a bunch of bickering, complaining and settling for less. It's a vicious cycle. And it's delicious.

/drools some more

We wish you all the best of luck in your bowl games, especially those of you playing SEC teams. We're 7-point underdogs in our bowl game and expected to be run down by the ESSSSSSSS EEEEEEE CEEEEEEE speed. Just like we were in 2004, in 2005, in 2009 and in 2010 (yes, I know they were in the Big 12 at that point). No worries, we're taking it all in stride. Being told by the national media that we're going to get boat-raced in a bowl game is something we're used to. C'est la vie.

I wish I had something clever to end this letter with but I don't. Instead, this:

20130928_sng_aj5_005

And this:

452521065

Regards,

Mike & the Iowa Hawkeyes

PS: Yes, I do celebrate Festivus, thus the airing of the grievances.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Off Tackle Empire

You must be a member of Off Tackle Empire to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Off Tackle Empire. You should read them.

Join Off Tackle Empire

You must be a member of Off Tackle Empire to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Off Tackle Empire. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker