2013-14 B1G Bowlapalooza: Previewing All the B1G Games

Mike Carter-USA TODAY Sports

Happy Holidays everyone! I hope you all have had a great time this holiday season in whatever form or fashion you chose to spend - or purposely not spend - this crazy time of year. In the Collins' household, I ate too much food, hung out with family, and realized quickly that I need to do one of those New Years things where you actually work out. But hey, who cares! IT'S BOWL SEASON!!!

Of course, for many of you, that just means gigantic bowls of Ro*Tel Queso dip flavored by tears of another failed season, but that doesn't - or shouldn't - mean that you can slouch off during bowl season. The B1G has a chance to make some noise again and give us the right momentum moving into 2014. To prove such things, I am breaking out the great journalistic device that almost nobody has ever used - Who, What, Where, When, Why, and How - to show you just how amazing each of the B1G Bowls is.

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The Texas Bowl

Who exactly is playing in this bowl? The Minnesota Golden Gophers and the Syracuse Orange. I did very little research on the topic, but I'm assuming that this will be the only bowl between two teams who have nicknames that do not end in the letter 's'.

What should we know about the matchup? Honestly, you should know that this game is a little bit of a disappointment for the Gophers considering the season they have had. Many of us 'journalists' - including me - pegged Minnesota no better than last year, but they really have had a great season in spite of distractions due to Coach Kill's health. Regardless, I think the Gophers lineup well against a Syracuse team that went 6-6 this season. Oh, and as a sidenote, this will be the Orange's 3rd B1G opponent this season. Might as well call them Notre Dame, right?

Do these teams have a history? Yes, Minnesota leads the all-time series 3-1 with their latest victory coming in Minneapolis last season.

What is the line on this bowl? Minnesota by 4.

Where is this bowl being played? In beautiful Houston, Texas. I don't know too much about Houston, but my journalisty self is thinking it will be nicer there than both Minneapolis and Syracuse, but I don't know for sure. I do know that the stadium is called Reliant Stadium, but I'm assuming that's just because it's really reliable.

When is this bowl being played? December 27th at 5:00 PM Central.

What network is this bowl on? ESPN.

Why should any of us care? Well, for Minnesota fans, you care because you would like to get a bowl trophy and gain more momentum for the Jerry Kill bandwagon. For Syracuse fans, you care because you have great fans who are sending over 1400 Houston kids to the game and that's just so cool. For B1G fans, you care because you want a clean sweep of all the bowls. For those who hate Minnesota? Well, you care, but not too much because that would imply you give them nay thoughts.

How do you recommend I watch this game? Since this is the Texas Bowl and I am assuming you just don't intend to go down to Houston, I recommend you turn on ESPN, grab yourself a cowboy hat, draw a gopher on the front, and take a shot every time a rodeo pun is made.

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The Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl

Who exactly is playing in this bowl? The Michigan Wolverines and the Kansas State Wildcats, thus matching up two ridiculous animals that have more to do with being random mascots than they do in the wild. My journalist sources say that both a Wildcat and a Wolverine wouldn't do too well in the wild. The Wildcat because it isn't really a specific thing and the Wolverine because all you need to protect yourself from it is a giant magnet.

What should we know about the matchup? Both teams are 7-5 and both teams probably just want to move on to next year. However, Kansas State has actually finished on an uptick whereas Michigan - despite playing a close game against Ohio State - isn't exactly coming into this game on a hot streak. Both teams score around 33 points per game, and I'm guessing nobody really cares about the statistics in general.

Do these teams have a history? No, they've never played each other before.

What is the line on this bowl? Kansas State is favored by 4.5.

Where is this bowl being played? In a Buffalo Wild Wings near you!

Well, uh, this is awkward... How about a journalisty answer? Fine, this game is being played in Sun Devil Stadium in gorgeous Tempe where I can comfortably say the weather is nicer than both Manhattan and Ann Arbor.

When is this bowl being played? December 28th, 9:15 Central. I should add that December 28th is also my birthday. Feel free to say nice things to me that day.

What network is this bowl on? ESPN.

Why should any of us care? You mean, besides the shameless plug for self-promotion of my birthday? Well, for Michigan fans, you care because you do not really want to limp into the offseason having lost 6 of 9. For Kansas State fans, I'm not sure why you care, but it probably is because Bill Snyder hypnotized you with his Wizardly ways. For B1G fans, you care because either you hate Michigan so much you want to see them burn or you would like a win over a major conference.

How do you recommend I watch this game? For maximum obnoxiousness, I recommend going to your local Buffalo Wild Wings, ordering boneless chicken wings without sauce, and dunking them in ranch while talking about the good old days when sauce tasted better. Drink the cheapest beer in a bottle and hope this game is more entertaining than it sounds.

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The Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl

Who exactly is playing in this bowl? The Georgia Bulldogs and the Nebraska Cornhuskers, which means that there will be a lot of red on your screen. Of course, because I am a great journalist and all, I can tell you that there are a lot of teams in College Football who wear red, so this is no big surprise.

What should we know about the matchup? There will be a good chance that both teams are healthier than they have been all season, and that still means that the great portion of the stars will be sitting on the bench longing for days past where they still had ligaments in tact. Nebraska and Georgia have lots of ties to each other, but since they played last season, nobody cares enough to write about those storylines still.

Do these teams have a history? Yes, the history of the series is tied 1-1 with the latest victory coming from Georgia in last years (or this years) Capital One Bowl.

What is the line on this bowl? Georgia is favored by 9 (!!!).

Where is this bowl being played? In another sunny location closer to the opponent than the good guys. More specifically, Jacksonville, Florida in  the ridiculously named Everbank Stadium. Why is it ridiculous? Because what is an Everbank? Has anyone actually heard of this? Exactly.

When is this bowl being played? January 1 at 11:00 Central because every Nebraska game this year is at 11:00.

What network is this bowl on? ESPN2.

Why should any of us care? For Nebraska fans, you would really like a bowl win for this Senior class. For Georgia fans, you would really like to not lose to a Nebraska. For B1G fans not named Iowa? You would really like for the B1G to destroy the SEC. For Iowa fans? Well, come on. You like watching Nebraska burn. Jerks.

How do you recommend I watch this game? At your local accountants' house so she can tell you all the reasons you suck at keeping track of your receipts and why bowl games are a waste of money and... On second thought, go find some gator, make a taco, and rinse it down with tequila. Sounds about right for this game.

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The Outback Bowl

Who exactly is playing in this bowl? The Iowa Hawkeyes and the LSU Tigers. Both of these teams share the color yellow in their team color scheme, but that means nothing really. As an interesting enough aside, I do not think either mascot would do well in a live-mascot death match. The Hawk would just fly to the top of the cage and the Tiger would just growl a lot. I've spent at least five minutes thinking about how boring that would be.

What should we know about the matchup? I really think Iowa deserves more accolades for the turnaround they have had this year. A lot of people thought they would be completely worked over this season, but Ferentz has that machine moving in the right direction. As for how they match up against the insanity that is a Les Miles coached team? Hard to say. I think Iowa shouldn't be counted out as much as they have been by national media, but LSU was a fringe Title contender not too long ago either.

Do these teams have a history? Yes, Iowa leads 1-0 with their latest victory coming via The Catch in 2005.

What is the line on this bowl? LSU by 7.5.

Where is this bowl being played? Tampa Bay Florida in a stadium where there are cannons. CANNONS PEOPLE!

When is this bowl being played? January 1 at 12:00 Central because let's play #ALLTHEB1GBOWLGAMES at the same time.

What network is this bowl on? ESPN.

Why should any of us care? For Iowa fans, this would really be the cherry on top of the sundae. A win over a SEC team and a nice piece of validation to a pretty good season. For LSU fans, you just don't want to lose to the B1G. For B1G fans not named Nebraska, you would really like for a clean sweep over the SEC. For Nebraska fans, I'm assuming you are looking for Iowa to burn. Jerks.

How do you recommend I watch this game? With your cardiologist on speed dial, I recommend you go to Outback, get a Bloomin' Onion, and use really really terrible Australian accents to annoy all the patrons at the restaurant who couldn't care less about the game you are watching.

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The Capital One Bowl

Who exactly is playing in this bowl? The Wisconsin Badgers and the South Carolina Spurriers Gamecocks. Now, I'm pretty sure this would be the best deathcage matchup of all the games the B1G is in, right? Badgers seem pretty mean - especially Skunk Badgers - and Gamecocks are notoriously vicious. My money would probably be on the badger on size alone, but this would be fun to encounter.

What should we know about the matchup? Both teams are pretty good, but this game will be decided by how well South Carolina defends against the run. Wisconsin is basically just a gigantic rushing machine that churns out backs that do crazy things and offensive lineman that manhandle whatever is in their way. Not that it matters, but it is also worth noting that this begins a run of ranked opponents playing each other, so it's gotta be a good game, right?

Do these teams have a history? No, they've never played each other before.

What is the line on this bowl? Wisconsin by 1.

Where is this bowl being played? At the Florida Citrus Bowl in Orlando, Florida. But don't worry everyone, we don't plan on actually calling it the Citrus Bowl. That would be crazy talk.

When is this bowl being played? January 17th... Just kidding, January 1st at 12:00 PM Central.

What network is this bowl on? ABC.

Why should any of us care? For Wisconsin fans, you care because you want coach Andersen to finish his inaugural season with a bowl victory. For South Carolina fans, you would like another ESPN moment that shows how superior you are to those ridiculous B1G teams. For B1G fans, you are getting sick of watching the SEC win games over you and find the prospect of Biels crying at home while his old Wisconsin team steamrolls the conference he is praising now to be amazing.

How do you recommend I watch this game? With a Viking hat on, because that's what the commercials tell me.

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The Rose Bowl presented by Vizio

Who exactly is playing in this bowl? The Michigan State Spartans and the Standford Cardinal. If I had to choose between the two, I'm going Spartans as the better mascot. Mostly because a color is hard to define and more because that tree man...

What should we know about the matchup? This should be an old school football fight. We all know about Michigan State's defense, but that offense has gotten better every week. They have a legitimate playaction threat and have learned to pound opposing defenses with great Offensive Line play. Stanford is pretty similar. Run first, pass second, and defend with reckless abandon. I'm hoping for some trick plays and a matchup of pretty smart coaches.

Do these teams have a history? Yes, Michigan State leads the all-time series 3-2 but Stanford has the latest victory: the 1996 Sun Bowl.

What is the line on this bowl? Stanford by 5.5

Where is this bowl being played? Pasadena, California. At the place where bowl season madness started - the Rose Bowl.

When is this bowl being played? Also on January 1st at 4:00 PM Central.

What network is this bowl on? ESPN.

Why should any of us care? For MSU fans, you care because you've been dreaming of being here for forever. For Stanford fans, you care because this is the bowl you strive for. For everyone else, you care because this is the 100th time this game has been played and that's really cool. Oh, and it should be an absolutely fantastic game.

How do you recommend I watch this game? With friends, drinks, a gigantic Vizio television - or regular sized one - and plenty of food. Seriously people, this ought to be a really fun game.

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The Discover Orange Bowl

Who exactly is playing in this bowl? The Clemson Tigers and the Ohio State Buckeyes. While I hate that there are so many cat-based mascots in college football, I must admit that I see no way where the Buckeye kills the tiger. Of course, the buckeye is poisonous, right? Hmmm...

What should we know about the matchup? Both teams are a little disappointed in how this season ended. Ohio State was one game away from playing for a National Championship, and we were again reminded how difficult it is to go undefeated. Clemson got worked over by their in-state rivals on national TV. Let's just say both teams would rather be in a different bowl.

Do these teams have a history? Yes, the first and only time they met was in the 1978 Gator Bowl. Clemson ended up winning. If you're old enough you might remember this happening and Woody getting fired the next day.

What is the line on this bowl? Ohio State by 2.5.

Where is this bowl being played? In Miami, Florida at Sun Life Stadium. I don't even have a joke for Sun Life because I'm not sure if it's something I can make a joke about.

When is this bowl being played? January 1... WAIT January 4th! The B1G has a game on a different day! This will be at 7:30 PM Central.

What network is this bowl on? ESPN.

Why should any of us care? Ohio State fans care because they would like things to end happy enough for this special season. Clemson fans care because you never know when Clemson goes full-Clemson and tanks a season. B1G fans care because winning a BCS game looks good for the conference. Mostly we all care because this is the last B1G game of the season and that is kind of sad.

How do you recommend I watch this game? I would think that you should have a couple of nice Manhattans, relax and think about all the fun watching football is, and probably finish the night off with a bowl of oranges. Football people. Enjoy it while it's still here.

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