As many of you know, dating analogies are sort of my specialty, things like "Having Urban Meyer as your coach is like dating a hot crazy girl." It's become a staple on this site because, well, I'm not sure.
My Lane Kiffin analogy from the Ten Reasons To Dislike Lane Kiffin piece:
10. Dragged Tennessee fans onto his bandwagon in the name of improving the program and then tossed them aside unceremoniously. Let me give you an analogy - Say you had some wonderful girlfriends in the past and for whatever reason, it didn't work out. So you start dating a new girl who hates your family and wants to control your life. She's hot, so you go along. Then she says, we can't be together unless you quit your job and move to my city. So you quit that nice job and move to her city. After a couple months of bliss, she decides it's not going to work and breaks up with you. So you're left alone in a crap city, eating Lucky Charms in your boxers, thinking about your wonderful exes and ruing the day you met this girl. That's Kiffin and Tennessee.
Anyways, it's V-Day, and we run a strong football program here on Off Tackle. What better thing to do than combine the two? I present to you, Love and Football terms.
Running A Reverse: Let's say you have a nice date, and then a another date, and everything seems to be lining up nicely, but you're in no rush, so you have a relaxed Friday night and then Saturday and Sunday you roll over to Chicago with some buddies, and what's waiting for you on Monday morning but the absolute craziest email you've ever received in your life, that says something to the effect of "I didn't hear from you this weekend which means one of four things. 1) You hate me, 2) You have a significant other, which is fine, I just want you to tell me these things, 3) You're a jerk who does this all the time and you have no scruples and if that's so I don't want to see you anymore, or 4) You forgot to call, which is fine, but just call next time, okay sweetie?" You stare shocked at the screen before calling your buddy, who says in essence, run the other way.
Neutral Zone Infraction: Arguing politics aggressively the first time you meet her parents.
Unsportsmanlike Conduct 1: "Wait, why did you buy a whip HEYHEYHEYOHHHH"
Pass Interference: You're at a bar, and that cute thing in the purple shirt is eying you. You tell your friend, bro, I am feeling that girl, I'm going to go pick up some drinks and talk to her. Real basic, your bro knows the deal. You get a few, let's say, Molson's*, turn around, and BAM your boy is talking to that girl and it's going well. Cold.
False Start: NO JOKES HERE GUYS. You meet a nice girl, you're dating for a month, you are just killing it, and your parents are in town. Easy, no-pressure move, right? Wrong. That'll set you back five yards as she says, whoa, I think meeting the parents is a bit quick, yeah, and then gets freaked out over the speed that your relationship is progressing.
Running The Option: Blanket statement from you: "Baby, I was thinking about a nice weekend up North next month."
Response 1 from the lady: "Wow, uh, am I meeting all your friends? Will we be sleeping in the same bed?" (starts sweating)
You say: "No, no, we're just going to Uncle John's Cider Mill for a few hours, a little wine tasting, nothing big."
Lady: "Ahhh, perfect, sounds like a great Saturday."
Response 2 from the lady: "Oh, there are some cute bed and breakfasts up North I've always wanted to visit. Maybe a hot tub too...How much time do I have to pack?"
You say: "I've got just the place, it's a Friday through Sunday deal too. Going to be romantiiiic."
Excessive Celebration: This.
C'mon man, act like you've been there before.*
*...love that movie though. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet disssssposition.
Unsportsmanlike Conduct 2: Writing a lovey facebook post on your new flame's wall...and tagging your ex in it.
Unsportsmanlike Conduct 3: Posting pictures of you kissing your love on Facebook. And Instagram. Doing this at all. Stop doing this, everyone. Especially on Valentine's Day. Single people will find you, and end you.
Hail Mary: (after being broken up with) "I know I never said I love you while we were together, but now that you're not with me, I see the error of my ways and..I love you!" No, you don't. That's why you didn't say it in the first place. Idiot. No one falls for this. Usually.
Hail Mary 2: "What, no reservations available? I'm calling at 4pm on Valentine's Day, how can you be booked?? What am I supposed to do now, cook? Killin' me here."