Scene: BTN Studios, Chicago. Fall, 2013:
Well, that wraps it up for this edition of Big Ten and Beyond. We hope you enjoyed the show. And now, it's....wait, are you serious? A game show? Are we some half-assed network like SEC Network now? Fine, whatever, the BTN's newest game show is....NEEEEEXXXXXXXXXTTTTT!
Doo wop, doo doo wee doo wop, doo doo wee doo wop, doo doo wee doo wop BOW!
Well he came to Champaign-Urbana as a Rocket from Toledo,
He hates the color purple, and he dips tobacco leaves,
He'll take you on a ride, to a winless Big Ten season, tell me:
Where in the World Does Tim Beckman Coach Football?!?!
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the game show sensation that's sweeping the nation: "Where in the World Does Tim Beckman Coach Football?!" And now, here's your host with the most, Illini legend -- J Leman!
(Shaking out his luscious locks) Thanks everybody, I'm so glad to be here! I'm hoping this gig lasts as long as my NFL career....welcome to "Where in the World Does Tim Beckman Coach Football?" the game show that asks its contestant each week to identify the continent, country, state, and city where Tim Beckman coaches football! It's a game show so easy, even non-AAU students at Nebraska could do it! Let's meet this week's contestant.....um, Tim Beckman?
Wow, impressive. I didn't know your chin dimple was actually a vacuum, Coach O'Brien. Coach Beckman, the correct answer was North America. Let's move on to round 2. Coach Beckman -- what COUNTRY do you coach football in?
I don't? But Mike Mayock likes big butts, and the top priority in my job is to put guys in the NFL, so I figured I must coach in Djibouti!
Thank you Ricky Stanzi! The USA, coach....you coach football in the USA.
Yes I do. All those guys in white and blue, those are my players. I recruited them.
ILLINOIS, coach! You coach in the state of Illinois! We would have also accepted that you coached in a state of confusion, a drunken state, or a state of dumbfounded and abject terror. Final round.....coach, in what city do you coach football?
Not that Chicago, the OTHER Chicago, where all our fans are going to the Caravan.
Coach, that's called Evanston. And you're not going there, either, even if the Illini's football website is still celebrating you getting beaten by 36 points the last time you went.
Coach Beckman, you are the football coach of the Fighting Illini of the University of Illinois, in North America, in the United States, in the state of Illinois, in Champaign-Urbana. If you don't even know that, how on earth are you coaching football?
Scene: B1G Commissioner Jim Delany's Private Island Fortress. The Commissioner turns off his TV.
I can't believe I let Howard Griffiths talk me into this show. I mean, if we want Illini fans to watch our network, we should have entitled the show "SUPER HOOPITYBALL BASKETBALL BONANZA HOSTED BY KENDALL GILL AND SPONSORED BY STATE FARM" like I suggested. Nothing was even remotely entertaining about that.....and that J Leman was a moron. Someone bring me his head....wait, no, I have a better idea. (Picks up phone) Pat?
Scene: BCS Commissioners Meeting
....and since we're working with geniuses at ESPN like Chris Broussard, Skip Bayless, and Chris Berman, this new SEC Network is SURE to be a huge.....hey, wait, who is that ravishingly handsome man with such beautiful hair!!!!