FanPost

Keeping the enemy close: a meme-filled illustration of why I hate the Nebraska Cornhuskers

GoAUpher

Hi everyone, I'm (one of) the photoshop guys here at Off Tackle Empire. I've been a Northwestern season ticket holder since 2001, and love Big Ten football.

I enjoy talking about it with everyone here, and even helped some of our new friends from the ESPN board feel at home.

I also enjoy talking with some of the regulars here on Twitter (my account is LPWildcat), and I wish that everyone here was on it (looking at you MNWildcat and ICEICETHATGUY13)

However, one thing has bothered me over the past few years: the Nebraska Cornhuskers.

Now, some of you may ask why a historical powerhouse with some of the friendliest fans on the planet piss me off?

(The Nebraska crew is great here, and they also have a great home at cornnnation.com)

It's simple: the team, it's coaches, mascots and fans simply are not what they appear to be. They aren't friendly at all: rather they are all diabolically evil.

Lets start first and foremost with Bo Pelini. We all know this man is prone to breathtaking fits of rage.

Mu9f9988_medium

Bo_pelini_extreme_closeup_and_extremely_angry_medium

Please put some headphones on and watch a lipreader with a computerized British accent fill in the blanks during the Texas A&M game a few years back.

I'm serious, put on some headphones, because he swears like an angry sailor.

I fear for the future of the program since Tom Osborne is no longer around to control Bo Pelini. Nebraska AD Shawn Eichorst has no idea what he's in for.

Or how do I know that Eichorst isn't encouraging Pelini?

At least there's only 1 Pelini roaming the sidelines in Lincoln at the unimaginatively named Memorial Stadium. Do we really need 3 stadiums named Memorial Stadium in this conference?

Or what, 5 teams with red in this conference?

Let's review the misdeeds of Bo Pelini:

His real name is not Bo Pelini, it's Lord Voldemort.

Pelini_voldemort_ps_medium

Bo Pelini is a slobbering drunkard.

9292930389_46668f24da_z_medium

And he seriously scares the crap out of me.

9330228370_82c89ab7ea_o_medium

Do you see the evil in his eyes?

Those dead black eyes?

What was the final fate of that cat?. *

#REMEMBERBOSCAT

Now that you're good and scared, lets focus on actual football.

I was in college when I watched one of the most horrifying games on TV: The Alamo Bowl when Nebraska utterly murdered (and set a bowl record) vs Northwestern.

This game scarred me for life! Nebraska WONT STOP SCORING!

Nebraska-trolls-northwestern-o_medium

/Nebraska scores again.

At least I'm happy for Wisconsin for delivering karmic justice by curbstomping the Huskers in last year's Big Ten Championship Game.

/WISCONSIN SCORES AGAIN.

Anyone seen the blackshirts recently?

Also, another thing that ticks me off about Nebraska is their fans. First, they are not the greatest fans in the world.

Best-fans_medium

That sign is bullshit, by the way

They're a big red horde that sells out a game 5 minutes after tickets go on sale, eats all the food, drinks all the beer, and is so loud that Northwestern has to use a silent count at home.

I don't remember any team causing Northwestern to use a silent count in 12 years of going to games in Evanston!

That is eminently hateable.

And it's not just Big Ten stadiums they take over:

Neb-seaofred1_medium

If there's no hope for the Fighting Irish, there's no hope for us all.

Nebraska's fans are evil. They're supposedly nice and friendly, but they're seriously the children of the corn.

800_children_of_the_corn_blu-ray_13_medium

Nebraska's fans also take a extreme amount of perverse pleasure in their 5 national championships.

Have you seen the new Nike Pro Combat uniform they're going to wear this year?

Fivedesign_medium_medium

/ht Horace E Cow @ Black Heart Gold Pants

Lets talk a little bit about the University of Nebraska - Lincoln.

You would think that they would choose to abbreviate themselves as UN, right? Its utterly logical.

NO

Unfortunately, they can't spell worth a damn (yet another reason why they were kicked out of the AAU), therefore they have the unmitigated gall to call themselves NU.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE CALLED NU, LEGALLY CHANGE THE DAMN NAME OF THE SCHOOL TO NEBRASKA UNIVERSITY!!!

There's only one NU in this conference, and it is Northwestern University. You guys can call yourselves UN or UNL.

/dismissive wanking motion.gif

/WISCONSIN SCORES AGAIN.

The last thing that pisses me off about Nebraska is the great evil they have wreaked upon our grand conference. A demon from hell call-

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_mediumNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_mediumSTOP RIGHT NOW DAMMIT!

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_mediumYOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS

Oldwildcat_medium The inflatable demonspawn-

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_mediumHAVEN'T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH?!?!

/WISCONSIN SCORES AGAIN.

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_mediumSTOP WRITING THIS ARTICLE!

Oldwildcat_mediumLIL RED!

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_medium Oh crapbuckets

Tumblr_mab44hraxb1rt479bo1_500_medium

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_medium If we hide in here, we might not be able to hear his story

Oldwildcat_mediumNo such luck guys!

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_mediumAnyone have earplugs?

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_mediumNo.. No... Nope

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_mediumSHIT!

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_medium YOU BETTER KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

/WISCONSIN SCORES AGAIN.

Oldwildcat_medium Go find your black shirts!

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_medium /sobs

Oldwildcat_medium Anyway, Lil' Red is the bad luck charm that caused Nebraska to win 5 national championship-

Jerry-kill_medium WE HAVE 7! SUCK IT NEBRASKA!

9303047208_210bc7c281_s_mediumOhio. WE'RE THE 1997 NATIONAL CHAMPION, NOT NEBRASKA! MANBALL!! Ohio.

RAWRFUCKSPITTLESHITPISS*FART*IWILLBRAINYOUWITHARUSTYFARMTOOLFATMAN

Meyer_smiling_medium Beckman_laugh_medium Kill_medium Fitzgerald_head_medium Pelini_laugh_medium Ferentz_laugh_medium Wilson_medium Dantonio_tinfoil_hat_mediumBob_chin_mediumHazell_medium FUCK MICHIGAN!!!!

Gary_andersen_medium Hold on, that's not a very nice thi--

Fitzgerald_head_medium GET WITH THE PROGRAM ROOKIE!! FUCK MICHIGAN! GO CATS!

9303047208_210bc7c281_s_mediumHey Jerry, where's the Jug? NOT IN THAT FROZEN WASTELAND YOU CALL A STATE!

Jerry-kill_medium /sobs

Hazell_medium//tears ACL

Oldwildcat_medium HEY!!! This is MY story

Oldwildcat_mediumAnd Hazell, grow a damn mustache!

Bob Devaney sold his soul to the devil to build a powerful Nebraska program. But it came with a cost. In exchange for winning 5 national championships, a demonspawn, disguised as a oversized child, would become the secondary mascot.

What Devaney did not know is that the demonspawn has visited the earth plane before he arrived in Lincoln, causing great harm across the world.

For Example:

Lil Red is an axe murderer!

9292915589_2d4b5537ec_o_medium

Lil Red caused the Hindenburg disaster

9287144271_bbe674f8f6_medium

Lil Red is responsible for the sinking of the Titanic

9289947060_5f9ff61a8b_medium

Lil' Red caused Mount Saint Helens to erupt

9293016175_0108085d30_medium

Lil Red was the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

9194741903_353c2a8cb5_o_medium

Ok, so Nebraska won 5 national championships. However, Lil' Red remained and continued to wreak havok.

Lil' Red battled the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers!

9287376599_77b08820ae_medium

Lil' Red will steal your children

9292917087_1fa116a331_medium

Lil' Red is responsible for Bill Callahan getting hired

9299930997_7a25827891_o_medium

.... Just die already!!

9290022318_9db460e504_medium

Lil' Red found a new friend when he took a vacation to Los Angeles

9346340515_516ee0a323_medium

And last but not least, Lil Red attempted to kill Bo Pelini

9293009865_d2d79b947a_medium

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_medium AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_medium How do we get rid of the demonspawn?

Jerry-kill_mediumI'll take a crack at it.

Lilredfrownma32048240-0001_medium

8710963044_2dfaaa49e5_medium

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_medium MORE DEMONSPAWN DESTRUCTION!!! MORE !!!!!

8711497596_cdd4b5ef5b_medium

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_medium This is the happiest day of my life! Salt's dream is realized!

Jerry-kill_medium /pant pant pant

Jerry-kill_medium almost got my breath back /pant

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_medium DONT STOP NOW!!!

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_mediumFOR ALL THAT IS HOLY, MORE FIRE!!!!!

9295698724_ba4ba27a6d_o_medium

Jerry-kill_mediumShit, that didn't work!

hehegopher Time to scamper off and ruin golf courses!

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_mediumNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_medium How did Northwestern and Purdue get rid of Air Willie and Rowdy?

Oldwildcat_medium Oh, that's simple. Pat Fitzgerald and Joe Tiller dragged the inflatable mascots over to the Purdue Spaceport and launched the damn abominations into the deepest darkest reaches of space.

9300979431_b149282431_medium

Oldwildcat_mediumHowever, you guys are screwed because NASA retired the space shuttle!!!!!

9302918486_458cb8ee23_o_medium NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

However, all hope is not lost. There is 1 man and one man alone who can stop Lil' Red's unholy reign of terror: Nebraska Chancellor Harvey Perlman

/WISCONSIN SCORES AGAIN.

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