Reports of the SEC's Demise Will Be Greatly Exaggerated, Thank You.

"And burn Starkville while you're down there, too. No one will even notice." - USA TODAY Sports

PANIC IN THE SOUTH! PANIC IN THE SOUTH!

You might've heard that Al Borges is out in Ann Arbor, and former Alabama OC Doug Nussmeier is in.

You might've heard the rumors that Vanderbilt coach James Franklin will accept a new head coaching job. Marquee programs like Texas, you'll think. Up-and-comers like Louisville, you'll surmise. Nope. Just Penn State.

That's two--count them--TWO SEC coaches, one a coordinator and the other the hottest coaching talent this side of Kevin Sumlin, leaving the cozy confines and warmth south of the Mason-Dixon Line for...the Big Ten?!

Someone alert Paul Finebaum. NOW.

This is akin to Sherman marching straight down to Georgia and not only torching everything in sight, but bringing back two of the most desirable women with him to breed good, patriotic, Yankee families in the North. This is akin to Lyndon B. Johnson abandoning the South in 1964. This is akin to the Thrashers leaving Atlanta to become the Winnipeg Jets, dammit! Sound the alarms, put everyone on notice, and rev up the General Lee.

First, the Big Ten somehow pawns BERT on the SEC, tricks everyone into thinking that this means the end of the Big Ten as a real conference as we know it, then poaches a team from the NASHUNAL CHAMPEEONSHIP-winning EH CEE CEEEEEEEEE, and follows that up with two coaches? As the Cornhuskers--the injured, beleaguered Cornhuskers ride into Jacksonville and stomp a mighty ESS EEE CEE defense in Georgia?!

FACT. Since the EXPANSHUN wars began, the SEC has pulled in two losers--Mizzou and TAMU--neither of which has won a national championship. Failure.

FACT. Johnny Football left the S-E-C because the invincible defenses of the South just couldn't provide enough competition for him anymore.

FACT. Bret Bielema did not win a single game in the SEC at Arkansas despite being a good hire for the program and a concerning loss for Wisconsin.

FACT. The SEC did not win a single BCS game in its last-ever iteration.

FACT. Nick Saban's best season at MSU was 10-2, while Mark Dantonio's was 13-1. Super coach? Sam the Eagle, come claim your prize!

What, you ask, humble OTE reader, is the end result of such a lopsided post- and off-season for the Big Ten? Clearly the decline of the SEC and the rise of the Big Ten and ACC in such a snaking manner--almost an Anaconda, if you will--that leads to the eventual demise of the Southeastern Conference when it desperately pulls in Rice as a countermeasure to the Mountain West poaching Texas after Red McCombs finishes nuking that university to the ground with his mouth. And we will laugh, sip our brandy and enjoy a nice cigar (Graham promised he's buying), and ask if you'd like to borrow Tim Beckman.

Lest you be concerned, though, Sparty didn't jump Auburn for #2 in the polls. All is still right with the world.

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