FanPost

Spring Coaching Meetings in the Big Ten

The setting: a conference room in the new B1G headquarters in Rosemont, Ill.

Big-ten-headquarters-1_medium

delany_angry Welcome back everyone!

delany_angry Today we have a lunch meeting, catered by a local top notch tacqueria! I love Taco Tuesdays here!

delany_angry Gentlemen, the winter meeting was a bit harsh, but that's because all of you let me down in a way. I really want a crystal football.

delany_angry Darrell, is your leg still broken since the last meeting?

purdue_hazell_regular / sobs

delany_angry I don't care if you get it on offense or defense, just please get me a crystal football. I am sick and tired of Mike Slive taunting me.

james_franklin Yeah, he's a dick

osu_meyer_regular Half the time in SEC meetings we would make fun of how bad the Big Ten is.

delany_angry *sputters*

osu_meyer_regular That will change when I win a national championship this year.

um_hoke_manball OH HELL NO! THIS YEAR MICHIGAN WILL BE TRULY BACK!

iowa_ferentz_smilingnu_fitz_smilingmsu_dantonio_smilingminnesota_kill_smilingill_beckman_laughingindiana_wilson_regularosu_meyer_laughingpurdue_hazell_laughingwisconsin_andersen_laughingpsu_franklin_smilingFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsneb_pelini_smiling //HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

indiana_wilson_regular Brady, you'e going to go 7-5 or 8-4 and get fired because your athletic director is an idiot and your fans have unrealistic expectations.

neb_pelini_regular //shudders

nu_fitz_regular Brady, almost all of RichRod's players are gone. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?!?!?

minnesota_kill_furry You aren't that good at developing players.

Flood_k300_medium Yeah, your'e screwed.

iowa_ferentz_regularnu_fitz_regularneb_pelini_regularminnesota_kill_furryindiana_wilson_regularill_beckman_regularosu_meyer_regularpurdue_hazell_regularwisconsin_andersen_regularFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsjames_franklinmsu_dantonio_regular FUCK MICHIGAN!

um_hoke_manball FUCK MICHIGAN? FUCK YOU TOO!

um_hoke_manball SHUT UP ROOKIE! HEY ASSHOLES, I WON 11 GAMES IN 2011 ! I WILL DO IT AGAIN

delany_angry HEY!

iowa_ferentz_regularnu_fitz_regularneb_pelini_regularminnesota_kill_furryum_hoke_regularindiana_wilson_regularill_beckman_regularosu_meyer_regularpurdue_hazell_regularwisconsin_andersen_regularFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsjames_franklinmsu_dantonio_regular //rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble

delany_angry ORDER!! ORDER!!!.

iowa_ferentz_regularnu_fitz_regularneb_pelini_regularminnesota_kill_furryum_hoke_regularindiana_wilson_regularill_beckman_regularosu_meyer_regularpurdue_hazell_regularwisconsin_andersen_regularFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsjames_franklinmsu_dantonio_regular // ...

delany_angry Sheesh, you guys can probably do this all day long. but that's not what this session is about.

wisconsin_andersen_regular Is this about how we're going to spend Illinois's BTN money?

ill_beckman_regular HEY!!!

indiana_wilson_regular Or that hideous mustache Darrell is wearing?

iowa_ferentz_smilingnu_fitz_smilingmsu_dantonio_smilingmichigan_hoke_laughingminnesota_kill_smilingill_beckman_laughingindiana_wilson_regularosu_meyer_laughingwisconsin_andersen_laughingpsu_franklin_smilingFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsneb_pelini_smiling //snickers

purdue_hazell_regular HEY! There have been many notable mustaches at Purdue. I'm trying something new.

purdue_hazell_regular If a mustache helped Tiller go to the Rose Bowl, maybe it can help me out.

purdue_hazell_regular Guys, seriously, Hope left a shit sandwich of a roster. I'm willing to try anything.

iowa_ferentz_smilingnu_fitz_smilingmsu_dantonio_smilingmichigan_hoke_laughingminnesota_kill_smilingill_beckman_laughingindiana_wilson_regularosu_meyer_laughingwisconsin_andersen_laughingpsu_franklin_smilingFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsneb_pelini_smiling /HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

delany_angry Fine, if you assholes want to keep making fun of each other, I'll never let you out. NOW BE QUIET!

delany_angry We actually have serious business to discuss today.

delany_angry Apparently, Bret Bielema and Nick Saban want to ban the hurry up offense.

delany_angry He claims it's a safety issue or some bullshit like that.

nu_fitz_regular Yeah, that's crap. Apparently you will get a "delay of game" penalty if you snap the ball within 10 seconds.

osu_meyer_regular That's complete nonsense.

msu_dantonio_regular So was Arkansas's last season.

Flood_k300_medium BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

iowa_ferentz_smilingnu_fitz_smilingmsu_dantonio_smilingmichigan_hoke_laughingminnesota_kill_smilingill_beckman_laughingindiana_wilson_regularosu_meyer_laughingpurdue_hazell_laughingwisconsin_andersen_laughingpsu_franklin_smilingVznsbefnbrxucxsneb_pelini_smiling /HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

james_franklin Karma

iowa_ferentz_smilingnu_fitz_smilingmsu_dantonio_smilingmichigan_hoke_laughingminnesota_kill_smilingill_beckman_laughingindiana_wilson_regularosu_meyer_laughingpurdue_hazell_laughingwisconsin_andersen_laughingpsu_franklin_smilingFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsneb_pelini_smiling //laughter until all of them cry.

Out in the hallway, a 10 second 4 note belch echoes loudly

Grunta_medium What the hell?!?!?

the door opens and a coach enters

bert_arky SUP BRO'S?

bert_arky /lays down case of Milwaukee's Best Light on table, opens the case and cracks open a beer

bert_arky JIMMY D, MY MAN! HOW'S IT HANGIN?

bert_arky **BELCH**

delany_angry What are you doing here Bert?

bert_arky I need all of you guys to support me on banning the hurry up offense!

nu_fitz_regular And why the heck should we do that? Those of us who don't have defensive linemen who take Lipitor from Oconomoc or rural Arkansas the size of mack trucks need to counter their size advantage by tiring them out and spreading the field.

bert_arky THEY ARENT ALL ON LIPITOR!!!

indiana_wilson_regular What Pat said! Not all of us play ground and pound for various reasons.

um_hoke_manball THOSE OF YOU WHO DONT PLAY MANBALL ARE PUSSIES!

bert_arky Brady, shut up. Your'e seriously going to get fired.

bert_arky // belches, smashes can against head, cracks open another Beast Light.

iowa_ferentz_regular I'd like the hurry up offense to be banned too. And the forward pass. In fact, let's go back to leather helmets.

james_franklin Why, so you can turn your wide receivers and tight ends into more potential victims for AIRBHG?

delany_angry James, that's cold.

osu_meyer_regular Seriously Bert, you just cant hack it in the SEC? What's the real reason?

iowa_ferentz_regularnu_fitz_regularneb_pelini_regularminnesota_kill_furryum_hoke_regularindiana_wilson_regularill_beckman_regularpurdue_hazell_regularwisconsin_andersen_regularFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsjames_franklinmsu_dantonio_regular Yeah, what gives?
bert_arky Seriously, players can die from this if we don't make football safer.

Flood_k300_medium That hasn't been proven yet.

bert_arky Seriously, it's like signing a death certificate. Or smoking Cigarettes

minnesota_kill_furry What the fuck is wrong with you?

bert_arky Did you lose a razor or something Jerry?

ill_beckman_regular FINALLY! It's been creeping me out all day

minnesota_kill_furry I hibernate for the winter and spring.

bert_arky / belches, crushes empty can on head and opens up another beer.

bert_arky OK, I believe that.

bert_arky // looks nervously left and right.

bert_arky I'm not supposed to tell you guys this, but the real reason I support this is--.

*BERT, BE QUIET!*

delany_angry Who said that?

bert_arky Oh no.

* The hurry up offense is bad for football because it nullifies my defense! *

Vznsbefnbrxucxs Where is that noise coming from? WHO IS THAT?

/ a small man hops up on a chair

saban Wow, tons of new faces in here.

james_franklin GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!!

osu_meyer_regular HISSSSSSSSS

osu_meyer_regular / has PTSD flashback

bert_arky / belches

bert_arky You tell them Master!

indiana_wilson_regular Master?

saban How the hell am I going to outdo Bear Bryant if other teams defy me by not running the ball right at my big defensive line after 10 seconds to catch their breath?

bert_arky / nods

neb_pelini_regular Does your defense get a pass from the conditioning part of strength and conditioning ?

saban Hey, I'm not going to take shit from a guy who gave up 602 yards to WYOMING!

iowa_ferentz_smilingnu_fitz_smilingmsu_dantonio_smilingmichigan_hoke_laughingminnesota_kill_smilingill_beckman_laughingindiana_wilson_regularosu_meyer_laughingpurdue_hazell_laughingwisconsin_andersen_laughingpsu_franklin_smilingFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsbert_arky HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

neb_pelini_regular One day I'll find my blackshirts... One day.....

iowa_ferentz_regular We'll stop giving you shit when you stop running players off your roster.

nu_fitz_regularneb_pelini_regularminnesota_kill_furryum_hoke_regularindiana_wilson_regularill_beckman_regularosu_meyer_regularpurdue_hazell_regularwisconsin_andersen_regularFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsjames_franklinmsu_dantonio_regular YEAH!

saban HEY! Now that's a low blow--

ill_beckman_regular -- says the midget --

saban GRRR

saban Wait a sec, how is numnuts here allowed to be a head coach, let alone tie his shoes?

james_franklin He's wearing velcro shoes!

indiana_wilson_regular You must be joking!

wisconsin_andersen_regular Nope, velcro shoes!

5370_153_detail_medium

via www.shoesopia.com

iowa_ferentz_smilingnu_fitz_smilingmsu_dantonio_smilingmichigan_hoke_laughingminnesota_kill_smilingindiana_wilson_regularosu_meyer_laughingpurdue_hazell_laughingwisconsin_andersen_laughingpsu_franklin_smilingFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsneb_pelini_smilingsabanbert_arky HAHAHAHAHAHA

saban ANYWAY!

saban It's not easy maintaing a roster in the SEC-

osu_meyer_regular Sure it is. I'm (fairly certain) I didn't oversign when I won 2 national titles at Florida

/ the door opens and familiar former coach enters

osu_tressel_regular Hey everyone

delany_angry What the hell are you doing here?

osu_tressel_regular Nick, you've abused the medical redshirt process. I've only had 2 in my tenure at OSU, and you've had way more!

saban I CANNNN'T HEAR YOUU!! -- And no matter what, at least I didn't kick a player out of a dorm because I cant count, unlike some people I know.

wisconsin_andersen_regular Just how many scholarship players do you have now, anyway?

saban I... I can't and wont tell you! It's a secret!!

nu_fitz_regular Since when are public institutions allowed to keep scholarship numbers secret? I don't hide how many players I have on scholarship, even though I could.

saban ENOUGH ABOUT ROSTER MANAGEMENT!

saban I seriously would consider it a nice gesture if you guys would join me in supporting the speed limits on offense

Vznsbefnbrxucxs Seriously, what bug crawled up your ass with up-tempo offenses?

/ the door opens and another coach enters

kingsbury Ill tell you what crawled up in his ass! The last three losses he's had have been against up-tempo teams. I'll leave it at that.

delany_angry Who the hell let Ryan Gosling in here?

kingsbury Goddamnit! I'M NOT RYAN GOSLING!!! I'm Kliff Kingsbury, head coach of the Texas Tech Red Raiders. I played for Mike Leach! I was Johnny Manziel's offensive coordinator at Texas A&M.

saban AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

msu_dantonio_regular Nick?

saban I'm fine. Just a bad memory, is all.

kingsbury Heh heh.

saban THAT FOOTBALL GAME WAS EVIL!

saban Do any of you guys know how to stop an up-tempo offense?

msu_dantonio_regular Narduzzi thinks your defensive coordinator has been sniffing glue lately.

saban SONOFABITCH!!!

/ the door opens, and an angry coach enters

angry_sonny_dykes I'LL TELL YOU HOW SOME PUSSYCATS STOP THE UPTEMPO OFFENSE

delany_angry .And who the heck is this?

nu_fitz_regular Oh no. It's California coach Sonny Dykes. He's been angry at me ever since I beat him back in august at like 2am Chicago time.

angry_sonny_dykes THE WAY TO BEAT AN UPTEMPO OFFENSE LIKE MINE IS TO FAKE INJURIES LIKE PAT'S MILDCATS HERE!

T7sxh2s_medium
(ht RedonkulusBear @ CalGoldenBlogs)


angryfitz MY PLAYERS DO NOT FAKE INJURIES YOU FAT PIECE OF GARBAGE! IF YOU QUESTION MY INTEGRITY I QUESTION YOURS.

fitzpointing THIS FALL, RYAN FIELD! BRING IT FATSO!!

angry_sonny_dykes OH ITS ON PUNK!

saban Hmm... Thanks for the tip Sonny!

angry_sonny_dykes YOURE WELCOME LITTLE MAN-

saban -GRRRR-

angry_sonny_dykes BECAUSE EVENTUALLY I'LL PLAY YOU AND RUN AS MANY PLAYS AGAINST YOU AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!! LOOK AT MY OLD LOUISIANA TECH GAMES AND TREMBLE IN FEAR. YOU CANT STOP IT!

angry_sonny_dykes OH, AND BEFORE I LEAVE:

angry_sonny_dykes /grabs beer from Bielema, dumps it on his head, and looks Bert right in the eyes

angry_sonny_dykes GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU TACTLESS JACKASS!

angry_sonny_dykes AND BILL HIS ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT FOR THE MESS!

bert_arky / sad belch

angry_sonny_dykes /stomps out

kingsbury I agree with Sonny. We'll slow the game down if you stop recruiting bigger players. I'll also run as many plays as possible against you.

/ the door opens and a rather eccentric coach enters

wsu_leach_regular YOHO! ARRGH, it's good to see me first mates captaining their own ships and firing volleys against the dread blackheart Saban!

james_franklin No, its Nick Satan!

saban -GRRRR

bert_arky / BELCH

bert_arky / cracks open another beast light


delany_angry Hey Pat, is there something going on in Evanston that you aren't telling us?

nu_fitz_regular Uh... errr...

nu_fitz_regular HEY! Did you hear Zook worked in a bank-

ill_zook_regular WOOOO! THE ZOOKER IS ROLLING! I'LL BE RUNNING THE FEDERAL RESERVE AND MAKING IT RAIN IN NO TIME.

nu_fitz_regular Ron, I wouldn't trust you to manage my youngest son's money at a monopoly game

iowa_ferentz_smilingnu_fitz_smilingmsu_dantonio_smilingmichigan_hoke_laughingminnesota_kill_smilingill_beckman_laughingindiana_wilson_regularosu_meyer_laughingpurdue_hazell_laughingwisconsin_andersen_laughingpsu_franklin_smilingFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsneb_pelini_smiling HAHAHAHAHA

iowa_ferentz_regular Or the finances of Maryland's athletics department

Vznsbefnbrxucxs GRRRR

neb_pelini_regular I've always wondered what goes through Ron's head

// Warning, NSFW

/ a familiar coach walks in

psu_obrien_regular Sorry about Ron everyone. My buddy Mike McCarthy just hired him as the assistant wide receivers coach in Green Bay.

psu_obrien_regular Hey Franklin, classy move taking the PSU equipment truck to move all your stuff from Nashville to State College.

psu_obrien_regularjames_franklin // Fist Bump

osu_meyer_laughing Hey Nick, you hired Lane Kiffin. No way that's going to end well!

iowa_ferentz_smilingnu_fitz_smilingmsu_dantonio_smilingmichigan_hoke_laughingminnesota_kill_smilingill_beckman_laughingindiana_wilson_regularosu_meyer_laughingpurdue_hazell_laughingwisconsin_andersen_laughingpsu_franklin_smilingFlood_k300_mediumVznsbefnbrxucxsneb_pelini_smiling HAHAHAHAHA

saban /grinds teeth loudly

osu_meyer_laughing I think a better place for Ron would be Nick's special teams coach

aub_kick_returner Sup?

saban AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

saban /runs out of room

psu_obrien_regular Come along Ron, you'll have fun in the NFL

delany_angry ORDER! ORDER!

delany_angry No, seriously, Pat, what's going on in Evanston?!?

nu_fitz_regular Eat your heart out everyone, I'm getting a lakefront football palace!

Aerial-perspective_medium

via www.supportthecats.com

minnesota_kill_furry / sobs

neb_pelini_smiling That's nice. I'm still going to take over your stadium again!

nu_fitz_regular SHUTUP AND STOP PLAYING WITH CATS!

delany_angry DAMMIT PAT THE UNION THING!

nu_fitz_regular I have no idea why CAPA chose--

nu_kolter_regular I'll tell you why I'm doing this, the Bossman controlled everything and I cant go to --

angryfitz GRRRRRR!

angryfitz GET BACK TO CLASS YOU INGRATE!

nu_kolter_regular NO DAMMIT! This is important AND I WILL BE HEARD!

nu_fitz_regular / thinks evil Wizgerald thoughts

/POOFFF

Post-645-taco-monster-scientist-extraor-qagj_medium RAAARRR!!!

via img.pandawhale.com

angryfitz TACO MONSTER GO GET COLTER!!

nu_kolter_regular EEEP! / runs away

mich_hoke_taco mich_hoke_taco2 ooOOO

mich_hoke_taco TACO! TACO! HOKE MUST HAVE BIG TACOOOOOO!!

taco_monster_colterAAAAHHHH!!!/ RUNS AWAY

mich_hoke_taco / chases after Taco Monster chasing after Kain Colter!

delany_angry /steals one of Bielema's beers and chugs it

delany_angry PAT WHAT DID I TELL YOU? NO MORE GODDAMN WIZARDRY IN THESE MEETINGS!

delany_angry Now Brady's gone, and this meeting is going to shit!

nu_fitz_regular Long story short, I think that effort is going to fall flat..

nu_fitz_regular And Brady will probably run for about 100 yards before getting tired..

delany_angry Finally! Some good news! Today cant get any more worse!

bert_arky / BELCHES LOUDLY

/ YET ANOTHER coach enters!

arky_jls_crazy GOLLY GEE OH MY !

arky_jls_crazy BERT, DIDNT YOUR MOTHER TEACH YOU MANNERS!

delany_angry DAMMIT! /chugs another beer

arky_jls_crazy JEEPERS COMMISH, SUCH LANGUAGE!

arky_jls_crazy GOSH, IT SURE IS SWELL BEING AMONG FRIENDS AND TALKING ABOUT FOOTBALL!

arky_jls_crazy JUST HOW MANY OF THERE ARE YOU IN HERE ANYWAY? GOSH, DID THE BIG TEN EXPAND YET AGAIN?

arky_jls_crazy / speech devolves into unintelligible gibberish from a drunken uncle who has cornered you at a holiday party

delany_angry /texts entire group: Does anyone have a way to get him out of here?

arky_jls_crazy BLAH BLAH BLAH HOT PISS BLAH BLAH HOT PISS BLAH BLAH

delany_angry /texts entire group: LIKE NOW?!?!?

bert_arky / responds to group text: I have just the thing!

arky_jls_crazy BLAH BLAH BLAH HOT PISS BLAH HOT PISS BLAH BLAH

Vznsbefnbrxucxs / responds to group text: I have a bad feeling about this

ark_bert_hnng ark_bert_hnn2 //HNGGGGHHHHH---

um_hoke_regular /walks back in panting

um_hoke_regular What's going on now--

fart_noises

arky_jls_crazy AAAAHHHHH ----

ark_bert_hnng / sharts

arky_jls_crazy AAAAAHHHH AAAAHHH AAAAHHHH --

alarm_clock ---BEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!

delany_angry Man oh man, I gotta lay off the Chimichangas!

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