Hello! Maryland and Rutgers, welcome to the Big Ten, home of the 3 yards and a cloud of dust! Now that you guys are the newest members of the conference, I felt, that you guys might need a little guidance. Sure, you can read the great work that is being done every week covering all the teams on this very site. But, I feel that as a fan of the former youngest conference member, I would be better suited in understanding what challenges you guys will be going through.
So, with that out of the way. Lets learn a little about the way things are done in the Big Ten.
First off, on the off chance you guys get into a bowl game, you will play an SEC team. Please check first if one Big Ten team has beaten an SEC team, already. Cause then you can just go ahead and lose the game.Only one Big Ten team may beat an SEC team per-year-rule.
Wait, we are getting way ahead of ourselves, aren't we?
Okay, including you guys, there are now 12 teams in the conference with athletic programs, plus Indiana and Purdue.
The Rose Bowl is now the most important game in College Football.
If your team loses to an SEC school, do bring up the fact, that we make more money in our conference and we have a better education. And if they throw Nebraska in your face, you punch that asshole in the fucking face, no, in the throat, in the fucking throat.
You may now proceed to feel like you don't get enough respect, especially from ESPN.
So, now lets meet the teams, shall we?
Michigan St. They are Iowa in 2008 or whatever year. Anyways, they will regress to the mean soon enough. So, you should stop carrying for them...right now.
Michigan. They have this stadium they like to call, "The Big House". You may remember that place, as the place where Appalachian State kicked the Wolverines asses. Anyways, Domino's pizza is a delicacy for them.
Northwestern. They are a nice community college.
Iowa. You ever heard of the band, Slipknot? That's considered high art in Iowa. Trust me, the less you know about them, the smarter you will be.
Minnesota. What can I say. Those guys invented ice fishing. Think about that. Some guy, was so damn bored, that he decide to cut a hole into a frozen lake, and sit next to it, for hours, with a heater on. And not only did no one go, "you're fucking crazy dude, you're trying to kill yourself!" But more people joined him.
Indiana. See Purdue.
Purdue. See Indiana.
Ohio State. I think they have some type of rivalry with Western Michigan? Anyways, Ohio State seems like Michigan Lite to me. Trust me, Buckeyes take that as a compliment.
Wisconsin. You may had noticed that the word, sin, is part of Wisconsin. That's simple to explain, Satan created the university.
Penn State. Their football team has this, Salvation Army motif going on. Their mascot's costume looks they found inside a trash can, and they were like, "Sure, is covered in maggots, but you can still wear that." Their football uniforms look like they just threw their hands up, and gave up. I imagine they had actual uniforms that looked cool, but somehow they got lost, and they had game that was about to start, so they just went to the local sporting goods store and said, "give us 80 matching uniforms, and please make sure they are boring, bland, plain, uninspired, uninteresting, banal and dull, now go, we got a game to catch!"
Illinois. I dunno, but Google keeps saying they are a member, so I guess I have to trust them.
Nebraska. We finally arrive to the cream of the crop. The best of the best, we are, who you want to aspire to be. Look guys, just don't go fucking around and beat us, okay! We aren't insecure, and unreasonable! We just want to be loved. Please say you love us...please...please don't run a fucking jet sweep on us...please. Say you love us, say we are the greatest fans in the world, please. JUST SAY IT MOTHERFUCKER!
Well then, there you have it. Welcome aboard Maryland and Rutgers, thanks for the money, those C-notes are sure nice for drying the tears, as we watch our favorite teams lose in a bowl game. Oh yeah, fast players are strictly prohibited in the conference. We aren't playing track and field, we are playing football, man. Enjoy your stay guys.