Northwestern brings excitement to bowl games like Pitbull brings non-alcoholic parties to highway overpasses (via drpeppervideos)

Yesterday, Graham shared why Wisconsin-Oregon is the B1G's biggest bowl game this year.

I'm a Northwestern fan. Look at Ryan Field. I could care less about "biggest." All I care about? Entertainment. Sexiness (hey, we are the university that introduced the f*#$saw into the vernacular). And having a real good time.

And no B1G team...hell, no FBS team period....has played in as many exciting/sexy/real good time bowl games as Northwestern has recently. Heavy underdogs in each of the past 3 bowl games they've played, Northwestern has covered the spread each time. Two OT games (2008 Alamo Bowl vs. Mizzou, 2010 Outback Bowl vs. Auburn), an 7-point loss in an offensive shootout (2011 TicketCity Bowl), hell, even the 2005 Sun Bowl (a 50-38 loss to UCLA) featured not one, but TWO on-side kicks returned for touchdowns. (Yes, you read that right).

Don't believe me? Watch the insane highlights of the 2008 Alamo Bowl here....and the even crazier 2010 Outback Bowl highlights here. (Yes, that is Drake Dunsmore in the latter clip, proving once and for all that one man cannot tackle Drake Dunsmore....and yes, that clip leaves out the painful "Fastball" failed fake FG attempt. Just don't wanna see it again)

If that doesn't have you convinced, below the jump are 5 reasons (not including the chance to end Northwestern's 63 year-long bowl winless streak) the Northwestern-Texas A&M matchup in the Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas (Saturday, December 31, 2011, at 11 am CT on ESPN and ESPN3) will be the B1G's most exciting game of this bowl season:

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We have favorites and we have loyalties, but if the Big Ten is going to continue to gain national respect, we're going to have to do it together. That means that we have to all be pulling in the same direction. Here's what I want to see from each Big Ten team in their non-conference battles this week.

11 AM 

Rice at Northwestern - BTN

I want to see Kain Colter continue progressing as a quarterback. Last week's surprise in Lincoln gives the Wildcats a shot at playing in a bowl. They need to take advantage of that opening by winning the next two weeks against beatable opponents. Rice isn't good. This shouldn't be hard.

What I Want

I want Northwestern to crush the Owls and avenge Purdue.

What I Expect

I expect Northwestern to win going away. 

What We Have So Far

The Big Ten sits at 34-13 (.723) out of conference - that's fair. The league is 7-7 against BCS Conference teams (plus Notre Dame) - that's meh. The league has six losses (North Texas, North Dakota State, Ball State, New Mexico State, Rice, and Army) to non-BCS teams - that's pathetic. 

Sweet Jesus, the internet is amazing.

First, some background -- on Friday (the day before the B1G slate fully kicked off), I boarded an Air France flight with my fiance.  The destination: a weekend in Switzerland with her brother (a huge Michigan fan), his wife, and their daughter, followed by two weeks travelling thru Italy.

How did I get talked into travelling abroad during college football season? Well, 1) I'd never been to Italy before, 2) we found some great deals on flights, 3) the weather is generally good this time of year, 4) the Labor Day weekend meant we could take an extra day without losing vacation time, and 5)....well, my fiance is very convincing.

Obviously, though, we scheduled generally well -- I stood to miss two Northwestern road games (at Boston College and at Army), and only one home game (and that against FCS Eastern Illinois).  I can live with this, I told myself....I'll still have all of the conference slate to watch live in person or on TV when I get home.

But as the hours ticked away until our flight, I realized -- I'm going to be a wreck if I can't watch this game.

So, thank God for the Internet:

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In preparing the final pre-season bowl projection column that will post tomorrow, I observed this fact:

There are only 6 teams in the 6 BCS Conferences who have not won a bowl game in the last nine seasons. The Big Ten can claim not one...

(Michigan State - Last Win: 2001 Silicon Valley Bowl over Fresno State)

...not two...

(Indiana - Last Win: 1991 Copper Bowl over Baylor)

...but THREE of those teams.

Northwestern - Last Win: 1948 Rose Bowl over California)

Let's see that change this year.

For completeness, the other three are Texas A&M (2001), Baylor (1992), and Duke (1961).

"Life is so very fragile. We are all vulnerable. And we will all at some point in our lives fall. We will all fall. We must carry this in our hearts. That what we have is special."

"Don't look at him, don't even think about him. You understand me? Stay inside yourself, and think about the next series."

"Nothing's gonna crush Matt Saracen. He's like a little stinkbug, you can't crush him. He's tough, he'll be fine." - Coach Eric Taylor, Friday Night Lights

I. Case History/Opening Statement

A.  Case History

7-3 with Dan Persa.  0-3 without Dan Persa.

Much like any episode of Friday Night Lights (one of the top 10 television dramas of all time -- honestly do yourself a favor and watch the whole series), the story of Northwestern's season climaxed in one, bittersweet moment on November 13, 2010: the thrill of watching a fluttering touchdown pass fall into the outstetched arms of Demetrius Fields to clinch Northwestern's now-nearly annual victory over Iowa, followed by the emotional gut punch to the stomach of seeing Dan Persa crippled on the ground with a ruptured Achilles.  If I would have known what was going to happen, I would have cued up some Explosions in the Sky at the Ryan Field DJ booth to provide the perfect soundtrack to the moment.

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Imagine Duke won the ACC this season. No, that's not big enough. Imagine if Vanderbilt won the SEC this year. No, even that doesn't do it justice. If you're not old enough to remember - not just 1995, but also the seasons before it - I can't give you a comparison for how earth-shattering 1995 Northwestern was. Every other school in the BCS leagues had at least moments of competence in the previous 20 years. Most all of them had multiple bowl seasons.

It wasn't just that Northwestern hadn't won the league. It was that Northwestern hadn't won. Almost ever. Against almost anybody. In their opener, Northwestern stunned Notre Dame, ending a 14 game losing streak to the Irish and getting ranked for the first time in 24 years. After losing to Miami (Ohio), they beat Air Force and swept through the Big Ten. They ended a 19 game losing streak to Michigan. They got their first ever win over Penn State. They ended their 21 game losing streak to Iowa. They ended the regular season at 10-1 (8-0) and #3 in the polls. NORTHWESTERN!?! Northwestern. 

No, college football didn't start in 1995. But, 1995 was the year the Wildcats actually joined the Big Ten. 

And though they weren't part of the Big Ten, yet...

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The position of quarterback is sexy, not just because you're the default leader, not just because you're BMOC, the figurehead, but also because your performance (unlike many other positions) is easily quantifiable. You either make the throw or you don't. Make a play to get out of pressure...or don't. Look at the play clock that's quickly running out and call a timeout...or take a delay of game penalty. Sure, there are mitigating factors (bad O-Line, no run game), but we judge quarterbacks easily more than any other position.

So with all that said, I'm going to do a couple of articles this week on every facet of B1G QB's in 2011. No topic will be left behind -

Is this the strongest, most athletic crop of Big Ten Quarterbacks of all-time?

Who is most dangerous outside of the pocket, Denard or T-Magic...or Persa?

But today, we take a look at the most unlikely of scenarios, a Northwestern Wildcat putting himself into Heisman Trophy consideration. Our own Chadnudj discusses...

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Greetings, my name is Hayden Fry's Moustache Ride.  You may remember me from last year's non-Pulitzer-Prize-winning article entitled, "HFMR, NW, and the Vengeful Potato."  What's that?  You haven't read it?  Well go ahead and do that now.  I'm not writing another goddamn word until you do. 

All set?  Good.  Now here we are one year, another justNorthwestern win and 1300 beers later and the universe is still in a tailspin.  I'm pretty much at a loss for words at this point as you will see over the next twenty or so paragraphs, photos and bullet points.  Enough with the pleasantries, it's time we all put on our fuck-northwestern pants and concentrate.       

The best way to describe the ineptitude of the Northwestern football program is simply by using facts. There’s no need for hyperbole or anecdotal arguments, because the absolute shittiness of their program really speaks for itself.  Here’s a perfect example:

When Northwestern inexplicably won the Rose Bowl in 1949, a man in rural Illinois squatted down and took a roughly 3-pound dump in a shoebox and buried it underground.  He decided he would dig it up next time Northwestern won a bowl game and send it to his cousin, Stibe, who was an Illini fan.  The next season, Northwestern went 4-5, so he left the turd buried for another year.  Years and years went by and his beloved Wildcats could barely muster a winning season, much less reach a bowl game, much less win one.  After 50 years of waiting, the man lay on his death bed.  His final wish was to bequeath the buried box of shit to his son, who like everyone else in the world, didn’t give a fuck about Northwestern football.  But he respected his father’s wishes and promised to dig up the shit if they ever won another bowl game.  Then another decade passed and the son got really busy at work and completely forgot about the box.  He ended up getting a promotion, selling the family land and moving to Ft Lauderdale.  So somewhere out there in the farmland of Illinois, behind a rotting barn, next to a tree stump, buried 3 feet underground in a shoebox…there is a crusty, decayed 62-year-old loaf of shit that no one cares about.

And that’s Northwestern football.  

         HEY!  That’s not true!  I LOVE MY TEAM NO MATTER HOW BAD THEY SUCK!  

          See?  Watch this!   I've got spirit, yes I do, I've got spirit how bout you!

      VROOOOOOOOM

            Oh noes!

      /crunch

           /dead

           Goodness Preston, what in the world was that?

          Don't disturb me, Cameron, I'm tending to my hair.

           It looked like a giant weasel of some sort.  No matter.  I'll have Felipe put an extra coat of wax on it.

          Speaking of Felipe, I don't trust Mexicans.

           Preston, are you even listening to me?

Ok, where were we?  Oh right, Northwestern is a box of shit.  No, we covered that.  Oh right, now we make fun of their attendance.  Yes, it's low-hanging fruit, and it's been discussed extensively but there's simply no way to talk about Northwestern without mentioning it.  How bad is it?  Quick, think of a football team that no one gives a shit about.  Any team.  Boston College.  Army.  Hawaii.  Iowa State.  Central Florida.  Indiana.  Maryland.  Syracuse.  They all draw better than Northwestern. 

Now, it's true that their attendance improved from 2009 to 2010, but at that point they simply had nowhere to go but up.  They were second to worst in the entire BCS in average attendance in 2009 at just over 24,000 per game.  Yeah, I said 24,000.  That's fucking great for a WNBA game, but it's an epic level of "don't give a shit" for a B1G football team.  The only team they were ahead was a 1-win Washington State squad.  So, YAY for improvement and all, but they're still a better fit for division II.     

If your simple mind is currently thinking, "but Northwestern has been winning games lately," then you were probably also rubbing your dick on the outside of your jeans while voting for the Persa game-winning pass to be the Big Ten play of the year.  Whatever blows your hair back.  However, I would point out that Northwestern wins games the same way a blind squirrel finds a nut.  By cheating like a little rodent bastard.

It's a well-documented fact that Pat Fitzgerald turned into a wizard and created a magic potato to destroy Ricky Stanzi in 2009.  But what you may not realize is, last year Fitzgerald ran out onto the field and took a gigantic bite out of Adam Robinson's ass. 

File Photo (Associated Press)

So Fitzgerald's cheating, assholish ways has got him some wins over the years.  Great.  Unfortunately it has also brought back a condition that has haunted him his entire career: an insatiable hunger for ass.  And now that he has started again, he can't stop. 

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