Jonathan did a great job of breaking down the odds of the Big Ten's chances in the bowls, and I'd like to expand on that by going over every...single...bowl game. I won't go as far as Jonathan did and give odds and chances of winning. That would imply that I am some sort of expert, whereby you could take this tome I'm about to write and use it as a gambling guide. I implore you not to, for a couple reasons. One, I am a supreme idiot on 90% of these games, and using my opinion to help formulate your gambling plan is about as ill-conceived a plan as Dien Bien Phu was. Secondly, and most important, gambling takes place on what we like to call in the Missouri Synod Lutheran Church ‘The Devils Playground', along with such things as sexual immorality, cigarettes, Dane Cook, and artificial sweetener. They all lead to one place, and that's Hell, boys and girls, and I will not be responsible for the corruption of your soul.
DKR, after the jump. Part one today, part two sometime tomorrow. Or the next day. I dunno.
New Mexico Bowl, BYU v. UTEP. The penultimate battle of good vs. evil, as the strip joint connoisseur takes on missionaries for Jesus. For Mike Price's sins, he is now in the purgatory that is El Paso, Texas, so going to Albuquerque is actually a step up. Have you ever been to El Paso? I could easily be talked into the Devil having a winter home there. I like BYU in this one, because in the penultimate battle, good triumphs.
uDrove Humanitarian Bowl, Northern Illinois v. Fresno St. First off, I won't be driving to this bowl, and unless you're a fan of Northern Illinois or Fresno St, why would you? It's in Boise. It's in the month of December, and the turf is blue. I'd rather go to El Paso. I think Northern Illinois is gonna get...wait for it...Kill-ed! Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Please tip the veal and try your waitress. Jerry Kill, along with most of his staff, is now in Minnesota. That means the team equipment manager will be named the head coach for the bowl game. Oh, Fresno State's pretty good, too.
R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl, Ohio v. Troy. In the battle of the teams with the shortest first names in a bowl game, I'll take Ohio, which manages to get three syllables out of four
words letters. That's fucking efficient, and worthy of a bowl win. Of course, both teams will probably have to forfeit, as they will all get busted with hookers and blow. I mean, it is New Orleans. Sadly, no one will notice, because it's Ohio and Troy.
Beef O'Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl, Southern Miss v. Louisville. So, I also write about the Minnesota Vikings over at The Daily Norseman. Brett Favre is the Minnesota Vikings quarterback. Brett Favre went to Southern Miss. Lewwville can't even pronounce the name of their own damn city correctly. Give me Southern Miss. And pass on Beef O'Brady's. That place sucks. Allegedly.
MAACO Las Vegas Bowl, Utah v. Boise State. I bet the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce was THRILLED to hear that a bunch of good, puritanical folks from Utah would be coming to Vegas for a few days. Probably about as thrilled as Boise State is to be there instead of a BCS game. Boise State wins, and 1,412 Utah fans will be corrupted by the bright lights and big city. And the gambling and the hookers.
SD County Credit Union Poinsettia, Navy v. San Diego State. Here's the deal. If you cheer against the Service Academies, you help the terrorists. If you help the terrorists, the terrorists win. Then they get jobs with the TSA and grope your balls and boobs. Fuck terrorism. Go Navy!!
Sheraton Hawaii, Hawaii v. Tulsa. Tulsa hit the jackpot in crappy bowl games, getting a Hawaii winter vay-cay. Sadly, with The Pony Express still the primary means of transportation in Oklahoma, no one will be able to go, because ponies can't swim. Add to that indisputable FACT that Hawaii has the coolest pregame warm up in college football, I'll take the Rainbows. What? They're called the Warriors now? Another plus.
Little Caesars, Florida International v. Toledo. Nothing like a trip to the second most dangerous city in America (my town, St. Louis, is no. 1-woo hoo!!) to play a game on the day after Christmas that no one will watch. Christmas in Detroit-YEAH! But since Detroit is a step up from Toledo, give me the Rockets, yeah, satellite of love (if you know the song reference to that, hat tip to you). Ahh, it's Christmas. Here's a link.
AdvoCare V100 Independence, Air Force v. Georgia Tech. The Air Force and Georgia Tech play similar styles of football, and Georgia Tech has better athletes. Give me Georgia Tech. What? I'm a terrorist? The HELL I am. Give me Air Force. And America. For the win.
Champs Sports, West Virginia v. NC State. West Virginia is still rolling in Rich Rodriguez schadenfreude to really care about this game, so what the hell, give me NC State. Like they say in Kunsan, South Korea, you ain't been packed ‘till you been Wolfpacked. No, really. Look it up.
Insight, Missouri v. Iowa. Here's some insight for you: if your roommate is a drug dealer, move out or get a new roomie. That said, I can't root for a guy who has the word ‘pink' in the last name. Add to that fact Ricki Stanzi is ‘Merica's quarterback, and you really have no choice but to root for the Hawkeyes. Or get deported to Fuckedupistan.
Military Bowl Presented by Northrup Grumman, East Carolina v. Maryland. It's a good thing a defense contractor is hosting this game. Defense contractors are rich. Ralph Friedgen's food budget equals the GDP of Cameroon. Ralph Friedgen loves Cameroons, they're very tasty. Oh, Lou Holtz is still a dick for bolting Minnesota for Notre Dame back in the 1980's. Skip Holtz is Lou's son, and he used to coach at East Carolina, so he's a half dick, minimum. I don't cheer for dicks, full or half. Or the teams they used to coach up until last year.
Texas, Illinois v. Baylor. If head coaches were rated on tans, veneer teeth, and water skiing ability, Ron Zook would be the eleventy time coach of the year. Coaches are not rated on those things. Take Baylor.
Valero Alamo, Oklahoma State v. Arizona. Mike Gundy IS A MAN! HE's
40! 41! Mike Stoops beat ‘Merica's quarterback back in September, and for his transgressions, Jesus gave him a four game losing streak to end the season, because Jesus doesn't like teams that beat ‘Merica's quarterback, ‘cept Minnesota, who the Almighty views as his own personal Job, and Ohio State. I side with Jesus. Pick Oklahoma State.
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl, Army v. SMU. The last time the Army went this far south, it didn't turn out too well for the Confederacy. And since bowl officials have agreed to let the Army actually use helicopters for the game, SMU's pretty much screwed. I can't wait to watch the 30 for 30 special about the Pony Express tonight. Was Craig James as much of a dick back then as he is now? I bet yes. Wait! I don't bet. He was/is a dick, though. Allegedly.
New Era Pinstripe, Kansas St v. Syracuse. A cold weather bowl in the Bronx is slightly more appealing than the day after Christmas suckfest in Detroit, but not much. At least you can go to Manhattan. The real one, not the one in Kansas. But because Bill Snyder is so old, he'll THINK he's in Manhattan, Kansas, which will cause enough confusion to give Syracuse the win.
Bridgepoint Education Holiday, Nebraska v. Washington. If Bo Pelini were a vampire on True Blood, he'd be the unhinged Russell Edgington, the guy that ripped out the spine and heart of the newscaster on live TV. That's intense, and vampires are indestructible. Pick Nebraska.