Scene: Somewhere in the Woody Hayes Athletic Center in a room that has been used for a hastily called press conference. Ohio State Athletic Director Gene Smith, University President G. Gordon Gee, and Head Football Coach Jim Tressel prepare to take questions from the press.
...We want to thank you for coming, because we have a few things we'd like to get out in front of. We feel calling this hastily arranged press conference will allow us to control the message while simultaneously look like we know like what in the holy christ we're doing. I also get to rack up a lot of extra frequent flyer miles, which we just self reported this afternoon.
Not only that, but we love Jim Tressel. If I were a woman, I would bear his children. And we have no issues with him or how this investigation will play out, because like Mean Gene the Dancing Machine said, we self reported, bitches.
Of course we love Jim Tressel, because he will be our football coach forever and ever, Amen. We self reported that, too. Jim, would you like to say something?
Fuck and no. I didn't say anything to anyone for eight months about this, and now you want me to talk? That's some serious bullshit, Gene-o.
Jim, you need to say something. Just read from the prepared statement our crack PR department gave you. The same crack PR department that put this kabuki dick dance of a press conference together.
WE ARE OHIO STATE AND WE ARE AWESOME AND INFALLIBLE, MAKING THIS THE BEST PRESSER EVER. TEXAS CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY SUCKS AND OUR PR DEPARTMENT IS FAR SUPERIOR TO THOSE WEAK SISTERS OF THE POOR. WISCONSIN'S, HOWEVER, IS A TWO POINT CONVERSION WORSE THAN THEIRS. WHY THE HELL DID THEY PASS? HOW CAN WE PERSECUTE JIM WITH THAT ABOMINATION OF A PLAY CALLING COACH STILL STANDING IN MADISON?
Just read the statement?
Yes.
Read it with that Ted Williams smooth as 12 year old scotch dulcet sounding voice of yours, Greatest Person Of All Time.
Ahem. Hello, my name is insert name he-- Jim Tressel, and I am the head footb---
Screw this, I'm just going to speak from the heart.
...
...
So when I heard about the federal drug trafficking investigation...
God DAMN it...
It's okay Gene. This is Jim. He's got this.
Really? the last time you said that was as they were running out of the tunnel against Florida. The next time you said that was last year in Madison, and that game was out of control faster than Kirstie Alley at a goddamn Golden Corral. I KNEW this was going to be a fuckin' disaster. Well, with this heading south, we might as well get Urban Meyer in here. If we're going to go to the dark side, we might as well get the Darth Maul of coaches running the show. Let me get him on the phone.
...I thought to myself, wow, this might be seriously serious. My next thought was that this was so seriously serious, I couldn't tell anyone. Because by telling someone, well, I'd be speaking about it. And we all know that speaking is a seriously serious endeavor, and we also know that Endeavor is one of the space shuttles--
WORRY NOT ATHLETIC DIRECTOR! HE IS ENTERING THE NEBULOUS SENATORIAL WORLD OF TRESSELSPEAK AND HE WILL MESMERIZE EVERYONE FORTHWITH. I SHALL REPLACE MY DAVID HASSELHOFF POSTER WITH JIM TRESSEL IMMEDIATELY.
By God, you might be right.
(one hour later)...and as we know, space shuttle missions are classified. So based on that logic train, I could not, in good conscience, say anything to anyone. Now I will accept withering questions from the Columbus press.
Coach, what is your favorite afternoon beverage?
I'm sorry, that's part of the investigation, and we can't comment on that.
Just know this, malleable little Columbus press man who dare not challenge what we say: If Jim Tressel were to prefer microwaved urine from a Filipino prostitute as an afternoon pick me up, you would promote it as the greatest drink of all time.
A follow up question. How do you spell Filipino?
S-U-C-K-M-Y-H-A-I-R-Y-B-U-C-K-E-Y-E
...E-Y-E. Really? That doesn't look right.
All the letters are silent, and that is the old English spelling of a formal high German translation.
Cool, thanks. Do you think the NCAA document that Coach Tressel signed in September saying he didn't know about any violations when he actually knew about them the April prior could come back to hurt him?
No.
Why?
/Waving hand in front of reporter's face. That's not the question you want to ask.
That's not the question I want to ask.
This isn't the scandal you're looking for.
This isn't the scandal I'm looking for.
You have no more questions.
Damn Jim, that was badass.
That's because I'M badass, Gene-o. You're really not gonna fine me 250 large are you?
Well, yeah I am. You broke about 3,402 NCAA laws and got my ass in serious trouble.
No you're not.
Yes, I am.
...
...
Naaaaahhhhhh, I'm not gonna fine you.
Sweet. Hey, wanna go get some ink? I know a guy.