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2011 Closing Arguments - Minnesota


"Bud Grant? Tony Dungy?... Jiminy Christmas, I get to be a part of this?" - Jerry Kill

I. Case History/Opening Statement

A. Case History

I'll admit, I liked what Tim Brewster had to say when he joined the University of Minnesota has head football coach. Boy was I wrong. The Tim Brewster experiment turned out to be a complete joke, making the Gophers the laughing stock of the B1G (apologies to Indiana). Brewster came into Minnesota, found what he deemed to be a mess, and essentially created a snake-oil salesman mess of his own.

By the third game of the 2010 season, Minnesota fans had seen enough. By the seventh game of the season, so had Athletic Director Joel Maturi, who went on to promise a Tubby Smith-like hire in the wake of the mistake he made with Brewster. Promises this... Al Golden that... enter Jerry Kill.

B. Opening Statement

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury... your skepticism is justified. This Gopher football program, it was a mess. Even Tony Hayward would have had to admit it. And THAT'S a guy that knows a mess. 

And guess what? I wasn't happy about the Jerry Kill hire at first either. Not splashy enough. But Jerry Kill is kind of like warm bread pudding. Bread pudding really isn't much to look at, it's got a bit of an odd texture to it, but bread pudding will surprise you in the end. It's a good, solid, All-American type of dessert that just simply delivers.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury... I believe Jerry Kill can deliver.

II. Discovery

A. What We Can Learn From Pop Culture

All of us lonley / It ain't a sin / to want something better / than the shape you're in

The rain came at the break of day / you're light in the windowpane / said come on in

It's a broken heart babe / I know the sound / feels like your hands are nailed to the ground

But it'll pass / just like everything else / you won't let it get to me / the next time around

It's a hard earned Victory / the life that came from you to me / can never be wrong

Grown from a moment / and a million miles / here lies the stardust / and it slowly dies

Borrowed from nothing / to come back half alive

And the stars they whisper blessings / as you walk by

III. Emotional Plea

Jerry Kill is not afraid. Jerry Kill beat cancer. You don't want to cheer for the Gophers? Fine. But you should at least cheer for Jerry Kill. It would be un-American not to. I bet even Ricky Stanzi appreciates Jerry Kill.

Things are going to be ugly at times. There is going to be some confusion. There's going to be mistakes, sometimes glaring, that could lead to lopsided games. Those things are going to happen on the field.

They will not be happening on the sidelines or in the pressbox.

Jerry Kill and his staff will not be confused. There is never going to be a time when they don't know what happened. There will never be a time when Kill is standing on the sideline with his arms folded, looking up at The Bank scoreboard looking perplexed and over-matched. 

This is not the most talented team in the B1G. This is not the most experienced team. This is not the deepest team. But this team will absolutely be prepared. They will know what is expected of them, and they will know the wrath that is coming to them if these expectations are not met. The most talented player on the team, MarQueis Gray, will absolutely know that if he doesn't deliver, there is a spot on the bench for him, and Jerry Kill will be happy to show him to it.

IV. Verdict

A. The Staff Calls the Games

The OTE Staff, in our infinite wisdom, foresees an overall average of 3.9 wins and 8.1 losses for the Gophers, and a conference average of 1.3 wins and 6.6 losses. You may also find it interesting that the OTE staffer who is most bearish on the Gophers is not me, but Ted Glover, who predicts a 7-5 season, and a .500 record in the B1G for the Gophers.

Bama Hawkeye 3-9 (1-7 B1G) with wins over NM St, ND St, and Illinois

Ted Glover 7-5 (4-4 B1G) with losses to Nebraska, MSU, Wisconsin, and Northwestern

Jonathan Franz 4-8 (1-7 B1G) with wins over New Mexico State, Miami (OH), North Dakota State, and Purdue

Chadnudj 5-7 (2-6 B1G) with losses to USC, Nebraska, Iowa, Michigan State, Wisconsin, and Northwestern

MSULaxer27 4-8 (1-7 B1G) with losses to MSU, Iowa, NU-L, NU, UM, UW, Ill, and USC

Ricardo Efendi 3-9 (1-7 B1G) with losses to USC, Miami (OH), Michigan, Purdue, Nebraska, Iowa, Michigan State, Wisconsin, and Northwestern

Paterno Avenue 4-8 (1-7 B1G) with losses to USC, Mich, Purdue, Nebraska, Iowa, MSU, Wisc, and Illinois 

Kennard Husker 2-10 (0-8 B1G) with wins over NM St and ND St

Hilary Lee 3-9 (1-7 B1G) with losses to USC, MiamiOH, Michigan, Purdue, Nebraska, Iowa, MSU, Wisconsin, and Northwestern

JDMill 5-7 (2-6 B1G) with wins over NMexSt, Miami (OH), NDakSt, Pur, and Ill

Graham Filler 3-9 (1-7 B1G) with losses to USC, Miami, Mich, Purdue, Neb, Iowa, MSU, Wisky, and NW

STAFF COMBINED AVERAGE: 4-8 (1-7 conference)