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Dear Nebraska, Thanks For Ruining The Big Ten. Consider The Honeymoon Officially OVAH!*


Stands for 'Not A Good Idea'

Okay, it's time to take off the gloves.  We were good neighbors when we welcomed you to the neighborhood, but shit's changed since this time last year.

You're up until all hours of the night, playing your god damn Hail Varsity, bitching about Texas, and I swear to God, if I hear FIVENATIONALCHAMPIONSHIPSZOMG one more time, we're going to make you hang out with Minnesota and Michigan.  They have as many as you do, and they're about as relevant as yours are.

Because really, when you lose to Iowa State at home, you're as over rated as Lady Gaga, and I think the B1G made a B1G mistake in letting you move into our neighborhood.

I find it funny that you wanted to leave the Big XII for the B1G.  I can understand why, but in the B1G, we stand up to bullies, we don't run to another conference and hide.  Awwwwww, Texas is being mean, let's just pick up our toys and move, waaaaaaaaaa, waaaaaa!  Way to embody that frontier, never say die, Midwest spirit we're known for here in flyover country. 

You jackwagons.

Here's an idea, maybe if you'd beaten Texas once or twice, as opposed to getting reverse cowboyed by them, over, and over, and over, maybe they wouldn't have turned into the jackass that they are.  I mean, Texas fielded their worst team in decades last year, and you lost.  Way to take care of business.  Yeah, I'm saying it, you're the reason Texas has their own network,  It's YOUR fault.**

I mean, it's not my fault Texas is better than you, takes over the Oklahoma rivalry, and gets their own network.  Maybe if you hadn't run Frank Solich out of town for taking Nebraska to the national championship game (wait, what?!) and hired Bill Callahan...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ooh, sorry..things might have been different.  But you created the Texas monster, then you bitched about how they were a monster, and then instead of standing your ground and fighting, you went all French Army and quit.

Vive la Nebraska!

And really, when you get a Rivalry game with Iowa, you call it the Heroes game?  One day, I really, REALLY hope that the names of the opposing coaches are Hogan and Klink.  I was personally hoping for Meth To The Death Match, since you've got more meth labs combined in Nebraska and Iowa than people.

Oh, and speaking of stupid names, because of you, now we have these convoluted, fucked up division names, Legends and Leaders***.  See, without you, we don't get national ridicule for these retarded names, because we don't split into divisions.  We still have the single, tradition rich conference, and we don't have a conference championship game.  And oh, you guys know all about choking in those lately, right?

But what I want to know is--how did you even make it that far?  I mean, the littany of your on field embarrassment is pretty damn impressive over the last decade or so.  Giving up 76 points to Kansas, 65 to Colorado?  Well done, Blackshirts!  Losing to Iowa State at home?  Wow, was Appalachian State booked in the Big House that weekend? Dropping one to the worst Texas team in a generation, losing to the Flying Lockers in a bowl, the list is almost endless.

And I'll tell you, you really boosted the perception of the B1G as an athletic, fast, talented, top notch coming in with four losses and losing big games, along with bowl games you should win.

Jake Locker says hi.

And I'll tell you, bringing Nebraska in to the B1G network was a smart business decision, too.  Because any time you can add a state that has more cows and pigs in it than people, you make that move in a heartbeat, and you don't think twice about it. 

Early revenue projections show that with the additional 47 subscribers that the state of Nebraska will bring in to the Empire, yearly football revenue payouts will go from $22,000,000 per school to $22,000,002.11.  Fuckin' A, Bubba. 

Woo, let's fund another hockey team!

But hey, at least you met the academic requirements for admiss--oh, never mind.  You conveniently got thrown out of the AAU about five minutes after you were accepted for membership.  Your combined athletic and academic credentials will qualify you to become a nice community college one day.

Now, go put on your dunce cap and sit in the corner.

And turn off your music or I'm calling the cops.  And get off my lawn.


*This is satire.  I think you made the best conference better.  I really am glad you're in the B1G, it's going to be great for the conference, and I respect the hell out of your program.  But we've been far too nice to you up to this point, and it's time for some smack talk.

**I really don't believe this.  Texas sucks balls.  I just wanted to piss Nebraska fan off.  They're probably so mad they quit reading, so the joke's on them.

***Really not your fault, but they are stupid names.