:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/photo_images/1158819/GYI0061587044.jpg)
On July 1st, 2011, the conference formerly known as the one that couldn't count got a little bigger. Our humble school on the plains of Lincoln joined into a mutually beneficial relationship with the new B1G, and an instant love connection was made. We were told that we would fit right in, and every one of us would enjoy our new conference brethren. In a conference that emphasized LEADERS and LEGENDS, we felt like our superior moral values would be sufficed.
However, this offseason has proven that the conference isn't everything we thought it would be. One team cheated, lied about it, and dealt with the problem. Another almost killed 13 of their own players*, and the rest of the conference sat idly by as it all happened**. Add that to the turmoil of not winning a National Title since 2002 and it became obvious that Jim Delany needed to call for help. And help he did bring. You'll be glad to know that the real Big Red is on the scene, and we're here to save the day. We are America's team, and just like America did for Europe during WW II, we're coming to be the Hero.
As you might have heard, we are kind of good at football. And by kind of good, we will let our Five National Titles do the talking for us (Take a second and breathe that wonderful trophy talking in. You wish you had three crystal footballs in your trophy case). You can tell us you're welcome in person when we roll through each and every one of your campuses with our "Greatest Fans in College Football."*** We will out-travel each one of your schools in the B1G, and introduce you to what real football is like. Loosely translated: We're better at football than you and our defense will eat you for dinner.
When your team comes to Lincoln, you're in for a treat. Our city is a fine host, but don't expect to get a ticket. We have the nation's longest sellout streak because our fans are the greatest in all of College Football. After we show no mercy to your team on the field, our fans will stand up and give you a standing ovation for trying. If by some terribly unlucky play or bad call by an obviously biased official, we happen to lose, our fans will be gracious and still applaud your effort. I mean, even lucky teams deserve some credit. I guess it can be summed up like this: we act like we've been there... because we have (FIVE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS). This will be new territory for teams like our new ‘rival,' Iowa. They are like the little engine that could. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. When they win five national championships, we'll start listening.
And while we are on the topic of rivalries, I want to point out that Nebraska is truly unrivaled. In our last conference, we had teams that, "thought," they could declare us a rival even though it was more like the Croatian National team, "thinking" they were a rival to the Dream Team in 1992. Sadly, Missouri, K-State, and Colorado tried to declare us a rival. After we manhandled them year after year, all that could be said was, "nice try guys." Declaring Iowa our rival is similar. It's a nice thought, and they really do seem like a nice little team, but they are still a never-was. Half of a National Championship over 50 years ago? Meh? Doesn't sound like a team that deserves to be graced with our attention. (Note: If Michigan gets good again, we may be willing to listen to arguments from them as to why they could be a rivalry. Same goes for Ohio State and Penn State. Michigan State and Wisconsin need not apply, however. We all know they're just trying to be as consistently mediocre as Iowa, and haven't figured out the formula yet)
I could've taken this space to point out that we have the fourth most wins all time, or talked about how we've been to more Bowl Games than any team in the B1G (We also beat SEC teams once in a while). I could've pointed out how the only teams that matter in the conference are Penn State, Michigan, and Ohio State, and since we're better than all three of them, you might as well give us the first B1G Championship Game Trophy. And I suppose if I was really trying to point out how lucky you are, I would have reminded you that we have FIVE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS (How many do Indiana, Purdue, Northwestern have again?)! Wait, I did already? Right. Well, nonetheless, you're welcome. We're glad we could help you look good again.
On July 1st, the B1G and the Big Red (Hordes) became new best friends. Even though we know what the outcome of this year will be, and it does seem like a lot of work to learn new stadiums and find new places to stay, we really are happy to be your hero. Congratulations to the B1G for growing into a real conference. By the way, you still can't count.
Sincerely,
The 2011 B1G Champions AKA Big Red
*Hyperbole... They weren't almost killed. Don't link me to the report. I get it.
**Okay, so maybe not idly by, work with me here. This is a rebuttal piece.
***Most of Husker Nation may believe this, but would never have memorialized it... Again, Steve Petersen is an idiot.
****Note: This piece was satire… I really don’t think Nebraska will waltz through the B1G, and I’m happy we were given the opportunity to be here. Please don't hate me too much.