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Jim Delany and Mike Slive Agree To Begin A Coach Exchange Program

Imagining a hypothetical conversation between Slive and Delany regarding a certain former Big Ten brah going to Arkansas

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Kelly Lambert

Scene, SEC Commissioner Mike Slive's office. He is sitting on a desk made of crystal footballs and melted down Susan B Anthony coins, built with the leftover slush fund from the Cecil Newton church renovation money.* A confederate flag hangs prominently behind his desk. He is smoking a ridiculously big cigar, staring hynotically at his BCS trophies. And a picture of Bear Bryant.**


**Hypothetically. I have no idea what Jim Slive's office looks like, and I'm also pretty sure this conversation never happened.

Jessica_dorrell_mediumknocks and opens door

Jessica_dorrell_medium Mr. Slive, there's someone on the phone for you.

Mike_slive_medium Thanks Jessica. Say, why didn't you use the intercom?

Jessica_dorrell_medium I don't know how to use one.
Mike_slive_medium That's right, you're not qualified for anything. That's why Bobby hired you and I promoted you to be my secretary. WOO PIG SOOEY!
Jessica_dorrell_medium That's why I love the SEC, sir. Mr. Slive, could I have the afternoon off?
Mike_slive_medium Sure, I don't see why not. Why do you want the afternoon off?
Jessica_dorrell_medium I wanna go ride Bobby's hog.

Mike_slive_medium No problem. Still can't believe he got shitcanned over that. Hello?
Delany_head_medium darth vader music plays
Mike_slive_medium Hello? Hello?
Delany_head_medium Mike, Jim Delany, Big 10 to make 14. Maybe 16. Possibly 20. Might not stop until I'm at 30.
Mike_slive_medium snickers

Mike_slive_medium Hi Jim, how you doing? Laughs...nice season you've had there in the MAC, is it?
Delany_head_medium I'm sorry Mike but I'm having a hard time hearing you over the money I'm making with the Big Ten Network. Could be your connection, too. You guys still using the telegraph down there, or did General Sherman burn those, too?

Mike_slive_medium Connection is fine here, Jim. I'm surprised there are any operators left in that collection of rusty factories and urban blight shit heap to connect you through. And could you speak up, because you're hard to hear through all these crystal footballs.

Delany_head_medium Hey, we got one of those. What's your point?
Mike_slive_medium My point is, do you dust it often? That's 10 years old now, damn near an antique. You oughta have it appraised. I bet Antiques Roadshow will roll through Chicago anytime, you might want to check it out. That thing is just a few years younger than some of Les Miles' recruits, fergodsakes.

Delany_head_medium Well, hold on to those footballs, because once I expand the BTN to Outer Mongolia you'll need to see if Cajun Pawn Stars will hock those for you to try and keep pace with cash we'll have.

Mike_slive_medium Jimbo, I'm busy. I'm about to put in a tape of last years BCS title game and rub down in Vaseline and masturbate for the 873rd time. What do you want?

Delany_head_medium Mike, I've been doing a lot of thinking. It's in your benefit for us to be as strong on the field as you are, and well, we know you're kicking our ass lately. See, if we get better, you get better...and richer. Better ratings mean more money for me and my network. And you'll be able to get killer ratings for your one trick pony network whenever you decide to join me in the 21st century. So, I'd like for us to start cooperating, and build a bridge to peace. Let's do a coach exchange program.
Mike_slive_medium Build a bridge to peace, huh? Well, wherever you decide to build it at, I'm pretty sure we'd beat you there by about three days. SEC speed and all.
Delany_head_medium As long as you don't mind waiting, we'll build it. Wouldn't want to end up with a swingrope and tire. Big Ten engineering and all.

Mike_slive_medium I don't know, Jim. It sounds like a good idea, and could make us a lot of money. But I should've never listened to you about John L. Smith.


Delany_head_medium What's wrong with John L?
Mike_slive_medium ...really, Jim?

Delany_head_medium //Laughs...yeah, okay never mind. Look, I told you he was kind of eccentric. I thought you guys liked eccentric down there.

Mike_slive_medium There's a big difference between eccentric and what the fuck crazy, Jim. Which is why I think you're out to try and screw me over again.

Delany_head_medium No, really. I want to start fresh. And all John L. was was just me getting even for Ron Zook.


Zook_medium Flexes


Delany_head_medium Zooker, we're on...a...telephone.


Delany_head_mediumYou hang him on me and you're bitching about JLS? Seriously? At least you got rid of John L. after one year. We had Zook damn near a decade.
Mike_slive_medium Yeah, I noticed. We all noticed. Why would you do something that fuckin' dumb?

Delany_head_medium It's Illinois. They can't have nice things.

Mike_slive_medium Fair point. Well, lets see. A coach exchange program, huh? You know Jim, that might be a good idea, actually. I'm already kicking your ass on the field, it will be nice to do it with the bank account, too. Any chance you give us Urban back?

Delany_head_medium Hmmmm.....let's see. Fuck and no. I want at least one of my programs to be good by the time 2020 rolls around. Could I interest you in Tim Beckman, maybe? He's a real aggressive recruiter, and he had a lot of success in the MAC.

Mike_slive_medium Uh, Jim. We're the SEC, son. We're about as nice as nice things get.

Delany_head_medium Yeah, good point there. Well, who else would you be interested in?
Mike_slive_medium What about Pelini, is he available? He won one of your stupid name divisions.


Delany_head_medium I don't know, Mike. I think his defenses are more suited for the Big 12 than the SEC.
Mike_slive_medium Yeah, solid takeaway.
Slive_thinking_medium Hmmmm...

Slive_laughing_medium How about...Bret Bielema? I need someone down at Arkansas.

Delany_head_medium I don't know, Mike. Bret is one of...
Delany_head_medium //stifles laugh
Delany_head_medium...our top...
Delany_head_medium //stifles laugh
Delany_head_medium...young coaches in the conference.
Delany_smile_2_medium ...puts phone on mute...laughs till he cries
Mike_slive_medium Well, I know. But he's got BCS experience, which is more than damn near anyone else in your conference can say. And we need fellas that play big boy football down here..
Delany_head_medium //biting lower lip
.Delany_head_medium I don't know, people will think you've really one upped us again. He's really a good coach.
Delany_smile_2_medium ...puts phone on mute...laughs till he cries

Mike_slive_medium stifles laugh
Mike_slive_medium No they won't Jim.
Mike_slive_medium You guys...
Mike_slive_medium //stifles laugh
Mike_slive_medium are right on the edge
Mike_slive_medium //stifles laugh
Mike_slive_medium... of being right back at the top. This shouldn't matter in the long term.
Slive_laughing_medium Puts phone on mute...laughs till he cries
Delany_head_medium I know we are. And if we let Bret...
Delany_head_medium stifles laugh
Delany_head_medium...go to Arkansas...
Delany_head_medium stifles laugh
Delany_head_medium...we'll need something in return.
Delany_head_medium //puts phone on mute...laughs till he cries.
Mike_slive_medium I knew there was a catch. What is it?
Delany_head_medium We get first pick when we dismantle the ACC.
Slive_laughing_medium Laughs
Mike_slive_medium Well, you really got us with Rutgers and Maryland. Okay, deal.
Slive_laughing_medium Puts phone on mute...laughs till he cries
Delany_head_medium Okay, we'll send Bret right down. Hey, once we finish off Swofford, wanna grab a bite to eat?
Mike_slive_medium Sure. You're buying though, you filthy rich bastard.
Delany_head_medium Okay, sounds good. See ya Mike.

In Jim Delany's office, the rest of the coaches of the B1G emerge from a side office and sit at Delany's conference table, made in 1916, the last year that Michigan was nationally relevant.*

*That's so 100% factual
Delany_smile_2_medium AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA...mother of God he bought it! That sunuvabitch took the bait hook, line, and sinker! I am still the king of this motherfucker, boys! No thanks to you clowns, though.
Urban_face_medium Hoke_medium Pelini_medium Bob_chin_medium Dantonio_serious_medium
Kill_1_medium Ferentz_medium Fitzgerald_head_medium Tim_beckman_medium Wilson_medium Bought what, Don Delany?
Delany_head_medium That Bielema is a good coach
Urban_face_medium Hoke_medium Pelini_medium Bob_chin_medium Dantonio_serious_medium
Kill_1_medium Ferentz_medium Fitzgerald_head_medium Tim_beckman_medium Wilson_medium AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Delany_head_medium //pops bottle of champagne, cork hits Beckman in the eye
Tim_beckman_medium //swallows his dip
Tim_beckman_medium Ouch, that fuckin' hurt! Can I get a band aid?
Delany_head_medium No Tim, you can't. Band aids are nice things. Those aren't allowed at Illinois.
Fitzgerald_head_medium Neither is good football.
Tim_beckman_medium God damn it...
Dantonio_serious_medium Wow Jim, can't believe you pulled that off.
Delany_head_medium I know right? Now that we have our mole in place, it's time to sit back and let that soon to be tire fire of a conference start burning down there. I haven't slung that much bullshit since I said all that nice stuff about Maryland and Rutgers.

Meanwhile, the next day back at Slive's office...
Jessica_dorrell_medium Mr. Slive, there's a to see you. He's kind of cute, and he asked me if I wanted to ride his hog after you were done talking. Would that be okay?
Mike_slive_medium What did Bobby say?
Jessica_dorrell_medium Oh, I dumped him. He's trying to get a MAC gig. His hog isn't nearly as big as I thought it was.
Mike_slive_medium Sure, why not. Show Bret in.
Serious_bielema_medium //pinches her ass on the way in, winks, and pops collar like a total brah
Serious_bielema_medium MIKEY, my brotha from anotha mutha, UP TOP BRO!
Mike_slive_medium Put your fists down, Bret. Welcome to the SEC. You come very highly recommended by Jim.
Serious_bielema_medium I do? I mean, yeah I know I do.
Serious_bielema_medium //double douchebag collar pop
Mike_slive_medium So tell me Bret...
Serious_bielema_medium Just call me brah MIKE-EE!! UP TOP!
Mike_slive_medium And you can call me...
Serious_bielema_medium How about Al? That was a great brah frat song back in the day, know what I mean Al?
Serious_bielema_medium //triple douchebag collar pop, reaches into cooler for a can of Natty Light
Mike_slive_medium You can call me Mr. Slive. We tolerate a lot of stuff here in the SEC, as long as you win. So how are you going to win at Arkansas?
Serious_bielema_medium What the fuck is an Arkansas?
Serious_bielema_medium //turns baseball hat backwards
Mike_slive_medium The Arkansas Razorbacks, part of the SEC West.
Serious_bielema_medium //shotguns a beer, belches
Serious_bielema_medium Welp, I'm gonna do what I did at Wisconsin.
Mike_slive_medium What's that, lose BCS games?
Serious_bielema_medium Oh, no, no, no. Don't see it getting that far. I'll recruit big slow guys, get really below average recruiting classes, beat up on the weaker members of your conference, lose to the big boys pretty regularly, and hope LSU and Alabama get hammered by the NCAA. I mean, it's only a matter of time, right?
Mike_slive_medium No Bret, we have elaborate payment schemes and dummy accounts that the NCAA will never find. SEC schools don't go on probation, son. So give me another plan.
Serious_bielema_medium //reaches into cooler, shotguns another beer, belches
Serious_bielema_mediumNo, that's the fuckin' plan. That, and grab any QBs that are looking to transfer that can play right away. Yeah, that's pretty much it.
Mike_slive_medium God damn it....
Serious_bielema_medium We done here, boss? Honey boo boo out there and I got a date, and there's a Natty Light kegger at my frat house in Fayettenam tonight.
Mike_slive_medium Frat house?
Serious_bielema_medium Yeah, it's totally in my contract, brosef. I get my own frat house, and all the BBQ I can eat.
Mike_slive_medium But...but...what about football?
Serious_bielema_medium I don't know fuck all about football. You seen my time management skills? Les Miles puts in my game tape and says 'that guy's a fuckin' moron.' Hey, wanna see my Hawkeye ink?
Serious_bielema_medium //shotguns Natty Light
Serious_bielema_medium Deuces brah. Honey boo boo, mount up, the hog is ready to ride!!!