Place: Big Ten Headquarters, Park Ridge, Ill. It is the dark of winter, and the wind is howling off of Lake Michigan. It is as cold and lifeless as Michael Jackson, and Commissioner Delany finds himself in a foul mood. Wisconsin AD Barry Alvarez has requested a meeting on some irregularities, and Big Jim has called a meeting* to make sure everyone leaves his office on the same page.
*Just so we're clear--this in no way represents anyone, except what the twisted recesses of my brain conjured up as my best case scenario in the upcoming meeting between Alvarez and Delany.
Barry, this had better be good. Because if this is another plea to go halfsies on the buy one, get one free Hans Weidemann Groupon, I'm throwing you out of my office, and you'll never come back.
Well, Jim, this is very important. It concerns recruiting here in the B1G.
Yes, recruiting. As in, something almost no one in our conference is doing?
Well, there's a reason that no one can recruit in our conference, and it deals with fairness. Bret would like to discuss why.
ORLY? Mr. 'let's hang 80 on the Hoosiers' has a problem with fairness? Heh, this oughta be good.
//pops collar like total douchebag
Jimmy, my man! Double fist bump up top, yo.
Double fist your own ass, yo. Get that shit outta here and sit down.
//left hangin', sits down, still frat boy douchey
I've got enough butthurt from this past recruiting already, thanks for asking. And what's up with you today? You're giving off quite the 'get off my lawn' vibe today there, Mr. Gran Torino.
Am I? Well, I'm no fan of Detroit, I'll give you that. People who live in Haiti get up every day and say 'man, Detroit sucks'. And I don't have any problems with Hmongs, but I'm still pissed off at you for the Rose Bowl. Two years in a row. Where did you learn clock management at, the Andy Reid Institute? Hey, nice job on bringing in 12 recruits, by the way. I'm concerned about OVER-signing, not undersigning, cockpaste.
Well, there's a reason we're having troubles getting over the hump, Jimbo.
Lemme guess...your quarterbacks suck, you still want Dayne Christ, and you want me to threaten Charlie Weiss with those pictures I have of him and Roseanne Barr, don't you? Jesus Bielema, put it to rest. We've been over this. I need those pictures. Going to sell them to TMZ so I can help raise some money for Indiana facility improvements. They don't give two fucks about football there.
No no no. No I want to recruit quarterbacks. And tackles. And cornerbacks.
Wow, sounds like you have 80% of your class lined up for 2013, if 2012 was any indication. So what's the problem, besides having a personality that makes Craig James more popular than you?
Fuck that guy. He shouldn't have allegedly killed those five hookers at SMU, although I have no proof that he did. I'm gonna bankrupt ESPN by the time my lawsuit is finished. They told me it was a big roll of the dice to take on ESPN, but you know what I said?
Lemme guess Pirate...consider them rolled?
YEAH! How'd you know?
Educated guess. Hey, you better be getting back to Pullman. You need to get ready for the season.
//pops collar like a frat brah
Yeah, and if you're lucky, you might meet us in the Rose Bowl next year.
And if you're lucky, I'll only beat you by 40. ARRRGHHH!!!
Hey Jim, gotta go. Thanks for that bottle of champagne. I'll send it to ESPN when all this is over.
All right, Mike. Congratulations on the Wazzou gig. Man, sure wish somebody in this conference of mine had hired you. Woulda been a lot more fun than dealing with these tightasses.
//sniffs, stifles a sob
Well, like I was saying, Jim, I'd like to recruit more players. A lot more, actually.
//lower lip starts quivering
URBAN MEYER IS A MEANIE POOPY McPOOPENSMITH AND STEALS THEM!! WAAAAAAAAAAHH!! WAAAAAAAHHHH! WAAAAAAH!!!
Good God, Bielema, settle down. Get a hold of yourself. Here, let me pop in a video of Ron Dayne.
//wipes away bitter, bitter tears
Oh, I like Ron Dayne!
I'll attest to what Bret's saying, Commish. Urban's a Cheaty McCheaterson. Unethical fucker, he is.
Whoa, unethical, you say? That's a serious charge, Mark. Do you have proof?
Yes, I do.
Well, what is it?
Well, he's uh...
He's a THIEF is what he is!
YEAH, a lying no good UNNNNNNNNNNETHICAL FUCKIN' THIEF!
Well, this IS a serious charge. What did he steal?
Wrong scandal, try again.
He stole OUR RECRUITS!
Stole them? How? Did he kidnap them? If he did and crossed state lines, that's a federal offense. We're talking serious, Art Schlicter prison time here.
Well, not exactly.
Well what, then?
Well, he flipped them, boss.
Flipped them what, the bird?
No, flipped them to Ohio State from our schools.
...sniff...sniff...sorry Mr. Delany, but as you can see, we're pretty butthurt over this.
Yes, yes I can see that. Now, put on your big boy pants while we figure this out. So, what you're telling me is you both had recruits committed to your program, and Urban Meyer was able to convince them to sign at Ohio State over your schools, before they signed their letters of intent to your school? And he did it without offering them free tattoos?
Oh, crap. My bad. So he talked to them, convinced them to sign illegally, by offering them money or something else illegal?
Yes, ILLEGAL. By GAWD ILLEGAL PAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLL.
Well, what was it that he did that was illegal?
He violated our Gentleman's agreement! And it's NOT FAIR!!!
And he turned me into a NEWT! See?
//pops collar like a douchebag brah
I got better...
Okay, that gentlemen's agreement is bullshit, to begin with. But turning you into Newt Gingrich might be illegal. I'll check on that later, but let's get to the bottom of this.
Urban, could you come in here?
He's gonna get it now.
Yeah, this is going to be worse than my 2010 trip to Iowa City.
Yes, Mr. Delany? is everything all right?
Well, I don't know, Urban. You tell me. Did you flip these two recruits, like Frik and Frak here are saying?
HE ADMITS IT!! DEATH PENALTY ARRRGHH!!!
Did you break any rules, Urban?
Nope. They're just pissed off that I recruited better in 8 weeks than they have in the history of motherfucking ever.
YOU VIOLATED OUR GENTLEMEN'S AGREEMENT ARRRRGH!!! DEATH PENALTY ARRRGH!!!
Wait a minute. Gentlemen's agreement? From you two? Dantonio, there's more fighting in the Sparty football dorm on a Friday night than there is in Afghanistan. And Bielema thinks being a gentlemen is going on the Maury Povich show and winning a paternity test.
That chick was a tramp LOOKIN' FOR A MEAL TICKET!
Okay, we need to settle this. Here's what I'll do. I'm going to bring in a recruit, and he's undecided between Ohio State, Michigan State, and Wisconsin. You will each give him your recruiting pitch, and we'll get to the bottom of this once and for all. Bring in the recruit.
Hello, young man. What's your name?
Skates, here's the deal. I've been told you have narrowed down your choice to Wisconsin, MSU, and OSU.
And Auburn. They have a Chick-Fil-A on campus. That's pretty sweet. Money's pretty good, too. Allegedly.
Well, I'm going to let each one of these coaches here give you their recruiting pitch, and then you're going to pick a school. Okay?
Sweet, sounds good.
Hi Skates, Bret Bielema, Wisconsin Badgers. Big W..on the helmet. Look, come to Wisconsin. We only recruit about 12 guys a year, so I won't forget your name. And pay no attention to the fact that everyone outside the state thinks I'm a dick. There's no correlation to that and all my offensive coaches leaving for Pitt.
The Pittsburgh Steelers?
No, the University of Pittsburgh.
Muhammad on a moped...really?
I know right? Also, if you come to Wisconsin, you'll be able to lose BCS games on a regular basis, in the most agonizing way possible, in front of millions and millions of fans. AND in the process, you'll help perpetuate the myth that the B1G sucks.
Wow, pretty enticing. NEXT!
Hi Skates, Mark Dantonio. I have the most elite program in the state of Michigan, even though Michigan went to the Sugar Bowl and we didn't. If it hadn't been for them and Wisconsin, our last two bowl games would have been BCS games. If you come to MSU, I promise you I will coach you to within two minutes of glory, and then I will order you to run into a punter. Then I will relish in the fact that everyone else will blame 'the system' for screwing me out of a BCS game, when in fact it was a lack of discipline we're known for in East Lansing. Oh, and you can beat the shit out of anyone you want while on scholarship, and you won't get in any trouble. Promise.
Wow, sounds good. NEXT!!
Hi Skates, Urban Eff Meyer, Ohio State. 2 national titles, one panic attack and one more thing to say.
What's that, coach?
IPSO FACTO WHINUS MAXIMUS BULLSHITTUS CHARGUS.
Go harder next time, bitches, and quit whining. Later, and kiss my ass.
Not guilty. You guys got anything else? Cops is coming on, and I don't want to miss it.
Maybe it's not such a great day to be YOUDUB, baby.