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Bret Bielema Has Sand In His Pants, And Wants Jim Delany To Know About It

Place: Big Ten Headquarters, Park Ridge, Ill. It is the dark of winter, and the wind is howling off of Lake Michigan. It is as cold and lifeless as Michael Jackson, and Commissioner Delany finds himself in a foul mood. Wisconsin AD Barry Alvarez has requested a meeting on some irregularities, and Big Jim has called a meeting* to make sure everyone leaves his office on the same page.

*Just so we're clear--this in no way represents anyone, except what the twisted recesses of my brain conjured up as my best case scenario in the upcoming meeting between Alvarez and Delany.

Angry_delany_medium Barry, this had better be good. Because if this is another plea to go halfsies on the buy one, get one free Hans Weidemann Groupon, I'm throwing you out of my office, and you'll never come back.

Barry_alvarez_medium Well, Jim, this is very important. It concerns recruiting here in the B1G.

Angry_delany_medium Yes, recruiting. As in, something almost no one in our conference is doing?

Barry_alvarez_medium Well, there's a reason that no one can recruit in our conference, and it deals with fairness. Bret would like to discuss why.

Angry_delany_medium ORLY? Mr. 'let's hang 80 on the Hoosiers' has a problem with fairness? Heh, this oughta be good.

Serious_bielema_medium //pops collar like total douchebag

Serious_bielema_mediumJimmy, my man! Double fist bump up top, yo.

Angry_delany_medium Double fist your own ass, yo. Get that shit outta here and sit down.

Serious_bielema_medium //left hangin', sits down, still frat boy douchey

Serious_bielema_medium I've got enough butthurt from this past recruiting already, thanks for asking. And what's up with you today? You're giving off quite the 'get off my lawn' vibe today there, Mr. Gran Torino.

Angry_delany_medium Am I? Well, I'm no fan of Detroit, I'll give you that. People who live in Haiti get up every day and say 'man, Detroit sucks'. And I don't have any problems with Hmongs, but I'm still pissed off at you for the Rose Bowl. Two years in a row. Where did you learn clock management at, the Andy Reid Institute? Hey, nice job on bringing in 12 recruits, by the way. I'm concerned about OVER-signing, not undersigning, cockpaste.

Serious_bielema_medium Well, there's a reason we're having troubles getting over the hump, Jimbo.

Angry_delany_medium Lemme guess...your quarterbacks suck, you still want Dayne Christ, and you want me to threaten Charlie Weiss with those pictures I have of him and Roseanne Barr, don't you? Jesus Bielema, put it to rest. We've been over this. I need those pictures. Going to sell them to TMZ so I can help raise some money for Indiana facility improvements. They don't give two fucks about football there.

Serious_bielema_medium No no no. No I want to recruit quarterbacks. And tackles. And cornerbacks.

Angry_delany_medium Wow, sounds like you have 80% of your class lined up for 2013, if 2012 was any indication. So what's the problem, besides having a personality that makes Craig James more popular than you?

Mike_leach_medium Fuck that guy. He shouldn't have allegedly killed those five hookers at SMU, although I have no proof that he did. I'm gonna bankrupt ESPN by the time my lawsuit is finished. They told me it was a big roll of the dice to take on ESPN, but you know what I said?

Angry_delany_medium Lemme guess Pirate...consider them rolled?

Mike_leach_medium YEAH! How'd you know?

Angry_delany_medium Educated guess. Hey, you better be getting back to Pullman. You need to get ready for the season.

Serious_bielema_medium //pops collar like a frat brah

Serious_bielema_medium Yeah, and if you're lucky, you might meet us in the Rose Bowl next year.

Mike_leach_medium And if you're lucky, I'll only beat you by 40. ARRRGHHH!!!

Serious_bielema_medium ...

Mike_leach_medium Hey Jim, gotta go. Thanks for that bottle of champagne. I'll send it to ESPN when all this is over.

Angry_delany_medium All right, Mike. Congratulations on the Wazzou gig. Man, sure wish somebody in this conference of mine had hired you. Woulda been a lot more fun than dealing with these tightasses.


Serious_bielema_medium //sniffs, stifles a sob

Serious_bielema_medium Well, like I was saying, Jim, I'd like to recruit more players. A lot more, actually.

Serious_bielema_medium But...

Serious_bielema_medium //lower lip starts quivering


Angry_delany_medium Good God, Bielema, settle down. Get a hold of yourself. Here, let me pop in a video of Ron Dayne.

Bielema_crying_medium //wipes away bitter, bitter tears

Bielema_crying_medium Oh, I like Ron Dayne!

Dantonio_head_medium I'll attest to what Bret's saying, Commish. Urban's a Cheaty McCheaterson. Unethical fucker, he is.

Angry_delany_medium Whoa, unethical, you say? That's a serious charge, Mark. Do you have proof?

Dantonio_head_medium Yes, I do.

Serious_bielema_medium Me too!!

Angry_delany_medium Well, what is it?

Serious_bielema_medium Well, he's uh...

Dantonio_head_medium He, uh...

Serious_bielema_medium He's a THIEF is what he is!

Dantonio_head_medium YEAH, a lying no good UNNNNNNNNNNETHICAL FUCKIN' THIEF!

Angry_delany_medium Well, this IS a serious charge. What did he steal?

Dantonio_head_mediumSerious_bielema_medium um, TATTOOS!!

Angry_delany_medium Wrong scandal, try again.

Dantonio_head_mediumSerious_bielema_medium He stole OUR RECRUITS!

Angry_delany_medium Stole them? How? Did he kidnap them? If he did and crossed state lines, that's a federal offense. We're talking serious, Art Schlicter prison time here.

Dantonio_head_mediumSerious_bielema_medium Well, not exactly.

Angry_delany_medium Well what, then?

Serious_bielema_mediumDantonio_head_medium Well, he flipped them, boss.

Angry_delany_medium Flipped them what, the bird?

Serious_bielema_mediumDantonio_head_medium No, flipped them to Ohio State from our schools.




Angry_delany_medium... SHUT...THE...FUCK...UP

Bielema_crying_mediumDantonio_head_medium ...sniff...sniff...sorry Mr. Delany, but as you can see, we're pretty butthurt over this.

Angry_delany_medium Yes, yes I can see that. Now, put on your big boy pants while we figure this out. So, what you're telling me is you both had recruits committed to your program, and Urban Meyer was able to convince them to sign at Ohio State over your schools, before they signed their letters of intent to your school? And he did it without offering them free tattoos?

Bielema_crying_mediumDantonio_head_medium Wrong scandal.

Angry_delany_medium Oh, crap. My bad. So he talked to them, convinced them to sign illegally, by offering them money or something else illegal?

Bielema_crying_mediumDantonio_head_medium Yes, ILLEGAL. By GAWD ILLEGAL PAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLL.

Angry_delany_medium Well, what was it that he did that was illegal?

Bielema_crying_mediumDantonio_head_medium He violated our Gentleman's agreement! And it's NOT FAIR!!!

Bielema_crying_mediumDantonio_head_medium WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bielema_crying_medium And he turned me into a NEWT! See?

Newt_medium //pops collar like a douchebag brah

Angry_delany_mediumDantonio_serious_medium ...

Angry_delany_mediumDantonio_serious_medium ...

Angry_delany_mediumDantonio_serious_medium ...

Bielema_crying_medium I got better...

Angry_delany_medium Okay, that gentlemen's agreement is bullshit, to begin with. But turning you into Newt Gingrich might be illegal. I'll check on that later, but let's get to the bottom of this.

Angry_delany_medium Urban, could you come in here?

Bielema_crying_medium He's gonna get it now.

Dantonio_head_medium Yeah, this is going to be worse than my 2010 trip to Iowa City.

Urban_face_medium Yes, Mr. Delany? is everything all right?

Angry_delany_medium Well, I don't know, Urban. You tell me. Did you flip these two recruits, like Frik and Frak here are saying?

Urban_face_medium ...

Angry_delany_medium ...

Urban_face_medium ...

Angry_delany_medium ...

Meyer_smiling_medium Yup.

Delany_smile_2_medium Meyer_smiling_medium AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Bielema_crying_mediumDantonio_head_medium HE ADMITS IT!! DEATH PENALTY ARRRGHH!!!

Angry_delany_medium Did you break any rules, Urban?

Urban_face_medium Nope. They're just pissed off that I recruited better in 8 weeks than they have in the history of motherfucking ever.


Urban_face_medium Wait a minute. Gentlemen's agreement? From you two? Dantonio, there's more fighting in the Sparty football dorm on a Friday night than there is in Afghanistan. And Bielema thinks being a gentlemen is going on the Maury Povich show and winning a paternity test.

Bielema_crying_medium That chick was a tramp LOOKIN' FOR A MEAL TICKET!

Angry_delany_medium Okay, we need to settle this. Here's what I'll do. I'm going to bring in a recruit, and he's undecided between Ohio State, Michigan State, and Wisconsin. You will each give him your recruiting pitch, and we'll get to the bottom of this once and for all. Bring in the recruit.

College_recruit_medium Uh, hello.

Angry_delany_medium Hello, young man. What's your name?

College_recruit_medium Skates Bowe.

Angry_delany_medium Skates, here's the deal. I've been told you have narrowed down your choice to Wisconsin, MSU, and OSU.

College_recruit_medium And Auburn. They have a Chick-Fil-A on campus. That's pretty sweet. Money's pretty good, too. Allegedly.

Angry_delany_medium Well, I'm going to let each one of these coaches here give you their recruiting pitch, and then you're going to pick a school. Okay?

College_recruit_medium Sweet, sounds good.

Serious_bielema_medium Hi Skates, Bret Bielema, Wisconsin Badgers. Big W..on the helmet. Look, come to Wisconsin. We only recruit about 12 guys a year, so I won't forget your name. And pay no attention to the fact that everyone outside the state thinks I'm a dick. There's no correlation to that and all my offensive coaches leaving for Pitt.

College_recruit_medium The Pittsburgh Steelers?

Serious_bielema_medium No, the University of Pittsburgh.

College_recruit_medium Muhammad on a moped...really?

Serious_bielema_medium I know right? Also, if you come to Wisconsin, you'll be able to lose BCS games on a regular basis, in the most agonizing way possible, in front of millions and millions of fans. AND in the process, you'll help perpetuate the myth that the B1G sucks.

College_recruit_medium Wow, pretty enticing. NEXT!

Dantonio_head_medium Hi Skates, Mark Dantonio. I have the most elite program in the state of Michigan, even though Michigan went to the Sugar Bowl and we didn't. If it hadn't been for them and Wisconsin, our last two bowl games would have been BCS games. If you come to MSU, I promise you I will coach you to within two minutes of glory, and then I will order you to run into a punter. Then I will relish in the fact that everyone else will blame 'the system' for screwing me out of a BCS game, when in fact it was a lack of discipline we're known for in East Lansing. Oh, and you can beat the shit out of anyone you want while on scholarship, and you won't get in any trouble. Promise.

College_recruit_medium Wow, sounds good. NEXT!!

Urban_face_medium Hi Skates, Urban Eff Meyer, Ohio State. 2 national titles, one panic attack and one more thing to say.

College_recruit_medium What's that, coach?


Magic_spell_medium POOF!

Zombie_college_recruit_medium MUST...SIGN...WITH...BUCKEYES

Urban_face_medium Go harder next time, bitches, and quit whining. Later, and kiss my ass.

Meyer_smiling_medium //drops mic, walks out

Angry_delany_medium Not guilty. You guys got anything else? Cops is coming on, and I don't want to miss it.

Bielema_crying_mediumDantonio_head_medium WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

Bielema_crying_medium Maybe it's not such a great day to be YOUDUB, baby.