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B1G 2012 // Ohio State's Smartest Guys In The Room

One of my favorite movies of all time is Pulp Fiction, and one of my favorite scenes is the immediate aftermath of Marvin getting his face shot off. Vincent and Jules have a mess, they need it cleaned up, and things need to be put back in order ASAP. Jules calls Marcellus Wallace, and Marcellus puts Winston Wolfe on the case.

OSU was rocked by scandal, suspensions, one of the worst press conferences in modern communications history, resignation, interim coaching, and The Baus. 2011, which was supposed to be the crowning achievement in senior QB Terrelle Pryor's career, instead found him being selected by the Oakland Raiders in the NFL Supplemental draft before fall practice began. Oh, and the best coach in the B1G over the last decade was exiled to Akron.

A clip from the Urban Meyer job interview

But so what? Urban Meyer rode into town about 9 minutes and 37 seconds after a loss to arch rival Michigan, got some clean linens from Luke Fickell Jimmy, cleaned out the blood and brains, hosed off Smith and Gee Jules and Vincent, and got rid of the dead bodies.

The Winston Wolfe of college football is on the case. But let's not go plucking each others chicks just yet.

The Skinny

The Head Coach--Urban F. Meyer

Meyer's resume speaks for itself, so there's no need to rehash it here. He comes to Columbus as probably the only guy that could've instantly calmed a jittery Buckeye fanbase, stabilized the football program, and been an improvement over Jim Tressel. And even Urban Meyer will have a tough chore in topping what Tressel accomplished on the field. It's not that there aren't other good to great coaches out there, but anything else would've felt like a downgrade. He has the pedigree, is an Ohio guy that gets what it means to be the coach at OSU, and has done and said all the right things, from embracing the Michigan rivalry to telling Dantonio and Bielema to pretty much eat a bag of used dildos about how he recruits. Speaking of recruiting, he hit the ground running and took a class that was outside the top 25 and ended up with a consensus top 3 class, all inside of 90 days.

The first crisis under his reign was the announcement of NCAA sanctions stemming from the memorabilia for tattoos scandal (thanks Gene Smith, you dilweed), which included a one year bowl ban. Meyer navigated those waters deftly, kept all his new found recruits in the fold, and in the end, not having the pressure of having to contend for a title in his first season might actually benefit him in the long run.

Supporters anticipate a can of whoop ass to be opened on the rest of the B1G that's never been seen before, detractors think he'll be gone in four years with another medical retirement and player discipline problems left in his wake, but either way Matt Hayes will be butthurt about it no matter what the outcome.

So in some respects, we all win.


"I have yet to be in a game where luck was involved. Well-prepared players make plays. I have yet to be in a game where the most prepared team didn't win."

That's Meyer in a nutshell. He will outwork, out prepare, out recruit, and out hustle you, and will make no apologies for it. Meyer is fanatical in all aspects of the game, and has had tremendous success wherever he's been. When you take his track record and work ethic and put it at a place like Ohio State, you can understand why Buckeye fans are as excited as a virgin walking into a whorehouse wearing a suit made of $100 bills. The big question, of course, is does he still have that drive that made him so good at Florida and Utah, or in an attempt to find that life balance he talked about when he took the OSU job, has he lost that drive? (Oh, and if he found that life balance and isn't as driven as he was, I am not damning him for it. Family and a healthy life are far more important). Early returns, based on recruiting and spring practice, make me think he's figured things out, but we'll see once the Buckeyes start playing games for real.

Twitter Trend

Holy Parody, Batman, but there are 41 Twitter accounts with the name 'Urban Meyer' in the Twitterverse. Not only will Urban Meyer smoke you in the real world, he will also pop an electron in your ass with a sawed off double barrel Twitter gun. I think the legitimate one is @Buckeyes coach, and if it is, his feed comes across just like the coach--straightforward, no nonsense, and Ohio State through and through. It only has 23 tweets and 393 followers, and I would think a genuine Meyer Twitter account would have a lot more of everything. But check out some of the parody ones, as there are seemingly plenty for Meyer lovers or Meyer haters alike.

The Coordinators



Luke Fickell--Defensive Coordinator/LB Coach

Ohio State is not an OJT coaching position, and Luke Fickell had some very forgettable moments running the show last year. He was overmatched, and it showed. That said, 20 years from now OSU fans will remember Fickell as a loyal, stand up guy that took a thankless job in an untenable position with no questions asked or expectations about the future, and kept OSU football treading water. And OSU fans will always be grateful to him for that. Fickell is a top notch defensive coach, and will be calling the defensive plays under Meyer. OSU's usually stout defense slipped noticeably last year, but with the new attitude and new athletes, look for them to put a lot of pressure on the quarterback from just their front four, with occasional blitzing from the linebackers.

Twitter: Keep in mind that first and foremost, Luke Fickell is a bro, and bros tweet, brah. Not too much, because too many tweets, and you're not broish. But enough to be a collar popping bro, brah. But not a douchey one like Bielema, because those guys are assholes. And when bros tweet, they give each other shit, and they got the backs of other bros, brah:

That's a bro-slam to Panbroni and bro high five to another bro (Vrabel), all in under 140 characters. #brotastic

And Coach Fick uses exclamation points! And double exclamation points!! And they're more frequent than Tim Beckman!!!

Unresearched O/U on years it will take to become a head coach (not counting last season): Even with all that happened last year, he still seems on the fast track. He's been interviewed at Pitt and Akron showed interest. If the right job comes along, I'm going 2 seasons. But it will be tough to get him to leave OSU.



Everett Withers--Co-Defensive Coordinator/Assistant Head Coach/Safeties

Withers came to OSU with a reputation as one of the better defensive coordinators in the country. He had experience with beleaguered programs, as he became interim head coach at North Carolina in the wake of their scandal when Butch Davis was there. With more experience as a coach, it was assumed Withers would be the guy calling the plays on gameday, but Fickell will be doing that. Withers is going to be heavily involved in the defensive gameplan, though, and he is known for developing fast, attacking defenses.

Twitter: Everett Withers doesn't Twitter, because one can only assume Everett Withers disdains anything with the word 'twit' in it.

Unresearched O/U on years it will take to become a head coach (not counting last season): Withers, like Fickell, has been an interim head coach, so I'm staying with two seasons. But with more experience as a coach in general, I wouldn't be surprised to see him be a one and done guy if the Bucks defense does well in 2012.



Tom Herman, Offensive Coordinator/Quarterbacks Coach

Tom Herman is one of the better Spread offense minds in college football, and had some explosive offenses before he got to Iowa State. At ISU, his units were fairly pedestrian, but they had some huge games and big moments. He will be charged with developing Braxton Miller, and if he can, the OSU offense could very well be one of the most potent in the country. If he can't...hey, did I mention he was a member of MENSA?

Twitter: Tom Herman attended California Lutheran, so either he is a Lutheran or has been greatly influenced by us, and that comes out on his Twitter. Very humble, matter of fact, and a twinge of middle finger attitude that you like to see, just like Martin Luther himself:

Unresearched O/U on years it will take to become a head coach: Going 3 years. Being on an Urban Meyer staff will help tremendously, but he might have problems getting credit for the offense if it does well.



Ed Warriner, Co-Offensive Coordinator/Offensive Line Coach

Of all the coordinators, Warriner has arguably the most impressive resume, with the exception of maybe Withers. He's coached both the offensive and defensive lines, and as an offensive line coach his line has been responsible for the top rushing attack in the country four times. He's been a run game coordinator and an offensive coordinator, and was pilfered from TSISB, which made his hiring all the more special. has named him one of the 20 hottest assistant coaches (I'm assuming that's guys who are close to getting a head coaching job as opposed to looks), and he also has a spread background, so he should mesh well with Herman.

Twitter: None that I can see.

Unresearched O/U on years it will take to become a head coach: 3 years, for the same reason as Herman.

After a year of malaise, scandal, and suspensions, the adults are back in charge, and although there's no guarantee Ohio State won't go on another run like they had the previous decade, the potential is there.

Watching it all play out will be a hoot.