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B1G 2012 // Keeping the Enemy Close: Pretentiousness, Thy Name Is Iowa

Apparently you all don't dislike Iowa enough to write an article ripping on them, so the kind sirs at OTE contacted me to bring the hate on Iowa. As an Iowa State fan and a manager of SB Nation's Iowa State blog, Wide Right & Natty Lite, I probably seemed like a good candidate.

Here's the thing though... I don't actually hate Iowa. It's an esteemed university with a great medical program and plenty of my friends have attended the school and (those who weren't roofied at Summit or raped by Pierre Pierce) are better people for it. Despite not being located in a recruiting hotbed, Iowa's football program consistently churns out NFL prospects and the fine gentlemen over at Black Heart Gold Pants were more than happy to illustrate that point. Most schools would be lucky to do so much with so many inherent disadvantages.

Did you read the paragraph above? Pretend I wrote it about your school, because no Hawkeye fan will ever admit anything positive about another school. To them, being a Hawkeye fan is life. Who you cheer for on Saturdays determines your ultimate self-worth. Got an engineering degree from Iowa State and make good money to support a great family? Well, guess what, that's a much worse life to lead than a methhead that can't get a GED, as long that methhead is a Hawkeye fan.

With no major league professional sports teams in Iowa, it has caused many Hawk fans to suffer from delusions of grandeur. Admittedly, they are the preeminent team in the state, but for a team that has won a third-ish of a national title, there is a disproportionately large number of their fans who believe they're right up there with Florida, Ohio State, Texas, etc. Don't worry about all those National Championships, Husker fans; when you play Iowa, you're actually the lesser program.

I feel sorry for the current students and alumni of Northwestern and Illinois. Half of the Iowa student population is made up of toolbags from Chicago (read: DeKalb, Aurora, Rockford) that didn't have the scores to be admitted to those two universities. These half wits migrate to Iowa City, create "nicknames" for themselves such as "Tony from Chicago" or "Jeff from Chicago" and proceed to embarrass the entire state of Illinois for their 6 years of undergraduate study. Upon completion of their liberal studies degrees they head back to their homelands to continue to be a positive impact on the community as much like Patrick Kane as possible, without the hockey talent.

Iowa fans have this weird "Super Bowl" dynamic that if your team beats them. It's never that their team was ill-prepared (which is probably not a sign of an actual great team), it's that your team only gets up to play the mighty Hawkeyes. Thankfully, the Oklahoma State game happened, so we've been spared from hearing the same tired argument this year. I imagine Northwestern and Minnesota fans are used to this already, but the rest of you will find out soon enough about this concept.


As Herky proves above, if you're supporting Iowa, you're supporting Neo-Nazism. Also of note is the fact that Iowa has produced Ashton Kutcher, who is killing our collective senses with his terrible movies, and somebody who hits closer to home, Bret Bielema, who fills the whining douchebag quota for the entire Big Ten conference.

Since the Big 12 doesn't look like it's going down in flames and the image of Iowa State relegated to joining the MAC is no longer viable spank bank material, Hawkeye fans probably have plenty of time on their hands to flame away at ESS-EEE-SEE speed.