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PSU Players Will Not Be Trolled. Allegedly. Maybe. Possibly. More Than Likely. Especially By Tim Beckman. Maybe. Still Allegedly.

At B1G Media Days, all 12 coaches were asked about how they would handle the recruitment of Penn State players, since they're all pretty much free agents. This is what some of them said*:

*Not even really close to what they said.

Reporter_medium Gentlemen, with the NCAA ruling on Penn State, we'd like to get your stance on recruiting their players. Would anyone care to start?

Serious_bielema_medium I got this fellas...//pops collar like a douchebag brah

Serious_bielema_medium //sweat hits everyone in the room

Serious_bielema_medium You know, I'll just say what I always do when something bad happens to someone else. IT'S GREAT TO BE YOUDUB, baby. We're not going to take any players. We don't believe in doing that, unless you're a really good quarterback. Penn State doesn't have that, so we'll take a pass.

Reporter_medium Coach O'Brien, would you care to comment?

Bob_chin_medium No.

Wilson_medium //checks cell phone

Wilson_medium Yeah, I wouldn't have much to say either. You're gonna get pillaged, dude.

Wilson_medium //checks cell phone

Bob_chin_medium Says the guy who runs a program that has about as much chance of making a bowl game than I do in the next four years. Why are you checking your cell phone?

Wilson_medium Because with the bevy of players I'm going to get from your school, we're going to be good. I'm talking 5-7, bro. We're going to crush you now, and your soon to be former players know it. I'm just waiting for the phone to ring, my man.

Wilson_medium //checks cell phone

Urban_face_medium Well, I'll tell you, at Ohio State, we're not in the business of poaching Penn State players. Unless it's November. And I just got hired. And I really need some players. Then I'm going to get mine, and screw all of you. Cause I'm the Urb and I'M RECROOTIN' DOODZ, Man.

Reporter_medium Well, as the head coach and the face of compliance and following the rules, are you going to go after anyone?

Urban_face_medium Yes. Maybe. I don't know. I have a problem with that. I don't even know what the rules are. Fuck it, I'll take 'em all. Got any wide receivers worth a shit?

Reporter_medium Coach O'Brien, care to comment?

Bob_chin_medium No.

Wilson_medium //checks cell phone

Tim_beckman_medium Well, I just want to say how great it is to be at the University of Illinois, and happy birthday mom. It's important to recognize stuff like that, because MOMS ARE AWESOME, WOO!

Reporter_medium Coach Beckman, are you going to actively recruit Penn State players?

Tim_beckman_medium Only if they call us.

Reporter_medium That's not the rumor I heard.

Tim_beckman_medium Well, maybe we had a grad assistant in the state of Pennsylvania.

Reporter_medium Really? I heard it was more than that.

Tim_beckman_medium Well, maybe one of my assistants were there. But they were in State College, not on campus.

Reporter_medium Wow, I heard that your entire staff was right outside the Lasch building, with the exception of you. And that they had two greyhound buses, rope, and a 55 gallon drum of chloroform. That sounds suspiciously like a mass kidnapping, coach.

Tim_beckman_medium Hey, THEY CALLED US!

Reporter_medium You sound goofier than your predecessor, do you know that? Coach O'Brien, care to comment?

Bob_chin_medium Nope.

Wilson_medium //checks cell phone

Kill_1_medium//leans over to Ferentz

Kill_1_medium I thought Illinois fired Zook?

Ferentz_medium Illinois football is like an STD. It's painful and it keeps on giving.

Kill_1_medium HA! Uh, wait...

Kill_1_medium //thinks to himself who hates Iowa..

Kill_1_medium I hate you, Ferentz

Ferentz_medium Eat a bag of gopher dicks.

Kill_1_medium Floyd says hi. He spent last night at your mom's.


Reporter_medium Coach Kill, will you be looking at anyone on Penn State's roster?

Kill_1_medium Nah, they wouldn't come here on a bet.

Reporter_medium Coach O'Brien, care to comment?

Bob_chin_medium Nope.

Wilson_medium //checks cell phone

Reporter_mediumCoach Pelini, are you interested in any Penn State players?


Reporter_medium So we'll count you as maybe. Coach Hoke, how about you?

Hoke_1_medium I can't tell you how much respect I have for Pennsylvania. Ohio. Pennsylvania is in a unique spot in the conference, and by unique I mean 'gooned'. But we'll keep our business our business. Ohio. And of course by 'our business', I mean 'an arrest a day until week one'.

Reporter_medium Marky Mark, what say you?

Dantonio_serious_medium Well, only if they got somebody who knows how to not run into the punter with the B1G championship on the line. If not, I'll just be happy kicking the shit out of Michigan with one and two star guys.


Reporter_medium Well, that's all we have. Thanks for doing this, gentlemen.

Hope_laugh_medium Wait a minute. I have something to say!

Hope_laugh_medium //stands, tears ACL

Hope_laugh_medium //sobs, tears other ACL

Hope_laugh_medium God. Damn. it.

Wilson_medium //checks cell phone