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'Holy Crap' Saturday--Welcome To The B1GMAC

Le sigh...
Le sigh...

On Saturday I had some family obligations to tend to, so I missed the early games, save Minnesota and OSU, which I DVR'd and watched later in the evening. I did catch almost all the other games, however, and without exception, every B1G team caused me to audibly yell either 'Holy Shit', 'Are You Fucking Kidding Me', or just flat out laugh, either in amazement or disgust.

It was mostly disgust.

Let's break down Holy Shit (can't put bad words in the title) Saturday, and then we shall speak of this day no more. Because plenty of people will, well into the season.

After the jump.

Holy Shit, Minnesota: I've said that if you wanted to be taken seriously, you needed to take care of business and soundly beat teams you are much better than on paper. This you did against FCS New Hampshire. You're 2-0, with your first road win since 2010, and your first home opener since 2009. Holy shit.

Holy Shit, Indiana: Much the same story for Indiana. I half expected you to lose or win a nail biter, but you blew out UMass. That's the good news. Tre Roberson is out for the year, though. And that really sucks, because I like him. Holy shit.

Holy Shit, Penn State: What the Ficken is going on? Matt McGloin got hurt, your kicker couldn't hit air if he fell out of a plane, and you're the worst team in the B1G. Yes, yes you are. I thought your decline would be slow and gradual, but no, you just said 'fuck that' and went 100 mph over that cliff, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?? Holy shit.

Holy Shit, Ohio State: I really wasn't sure how I should feel about you in 2012. Yeah, Urban Meyer, but there were a lot of issues lingering from last year--iffy defense, unproven QB, no real playmakers on offense. Yeah, I'm all in. Braxton Miller is perfect for this smash mouth Spread offense, and OSU looks really good through two games. Holy shit.

Holy Shit, Purdue: I really didn't give you much of a chance against Notre Dame in South Bend, but you not only proved me wrong, you damn near won the game. Your offense was uneven at times, but efficient, and made big plays when they had to. Your defense looked legitimate, and save for a couple of calls that could've gone either way, you would've won that game. You're now my Leaders favorite. Holy shit.

Holy Shit, Michigan: You were supposed to blow out the Air Force Academy, but you let them hang around, and they were in position to win at the end of the game. Outside of Denard Robinson running, you have very little on offense, and your defensive line got manhandled by an athletically inferior offensive line. No, it wasn't the quirky triple option that caused AFA to rack up insane rushing yards, you were beat at the point of attack and the line of scrimmage all day. How many 3rd and long runs for first down did you give up? 23? Holy shit.

Holy Shit, Nebraska. Well, you're officially a member of the B1G now, as you went out west and lost to a team that you shouldn't have lost to. Your defense was supposed to be the Blackshirts, but it's about as intimidating as a woman's pink jersey replica. UCLA went through you like the Americans marched through Europe in WWII. Holy shit. And Taylor Martinez? Double Holy Shit.

Holy Shit, Michigan State. This conference, for better or worse, is yours to lose. But being called the best of this conference right now is akin to being the prettiest ugly girl at fat camp, though. But shine on, you crazy diamond, shine on. You beat a good Boise St team at home, and took care of business against Central Michigan. Andrew Maxwell bounced back, and Le'Veon Bell was used sparingly, which is good, because if he touched the ball almost 50 times a week he wouldn't make it to the conference opener. See you in the BCS. Holy shit.

Holy Shit, Iowa. Hey, nice throwback uniforms from the 1920's. Hey, shitty offense from the 1920's. Both your offensive and defensive lines are going to suck. All year. That means Iowa is going to suck. All year. If Kirk Ferentz isn't on the hot seat, he should be. He makes how much a year? Holy Shit.

Holy Shit, Wisconsin. Danny O'Bauserman is your quarterback, and Paul Chryst leaving made two teams worse--you and Pitt. You lost to a terrible, terrible Oregon State team, and they pretty much manhandled you all day. Not even Montee Ball can help right now. Holy shit.

Holy Shit, Northwestern. You had the second most impressive win in the conference next to Michigan State's. You got behind at home, but came back to beat Vanderbilt. Yes, Vanderbilt is an SEC team, but they're the Indiana Penn State of the SEC. But we're grasping at anything right now, so we'll take it. Holy shit.

Holy Shit, Illinois. You better hope Nathan Scheelhaase comes back soon, because your backup quarterback situation is as unsettling as food poisoning. Holy fucking shit. Which would be okay if your defense wasn't an oil field fire. Too bad Red Adair isn't your defensive coordinator. Holy Shit.