JDMill Hates Iowa; Mike Jones Hates Minnesota

JDMill: Hey, just wanted to shoot you a quick message to let you know that I talked to Floyd this morning. You know, Floyd of Rosedale? The trophy that Minnesota and Iowa play for? Surprised you don't remember it.

Anyway, Floyd told me to tell you hello, first, which I thought was rather big of him and surprising because I had assumed he'd forgotten all about Iowa. Second, he's looking forward to a short visit down to Iowa City this weekend. He emphasized short. His sense of sarcasm is really quite good. He said something like "It's been so long. I wonder if it's still the hell-hole I remember it to be." We had a good chuckle over some of the other choice things that people might say Iowa City... but I digress.

In any case, are there any messages that you or the Hawkeye fans would like for me to relay to Floyd since, you know, you will probably "see" him this weekend, but only from afar, and certainly not close enough to have an actual conversation.

Mike: Yes, there’s a few things I’d like you to tell him. Primarily you should let him know that it will all be over soon. I know he’s endured a lot. I know that he’s had far too many uncomfortable nights being watched by Tim Brewster, who likes to breathe heavily on the glass and stroke the display case lovingly for hours on end. What’s he even doing there, anyway? Why is he acting like he beat Iowa? Why is he taking credit for something he didn’t even do? Ah, Brew, you champion of revisionist history you. Have they burned all of the copies of the 2008 Minnesota Media Guide yet? Yeah, I’d like to cover up that embarrassment too.

Let him know that our trophy case is pretty barren right now and we’d like get him around some "younger" friends. By younger, I mean he needs to stop hanging out with trophies his age. Between the jingoist 1940’s national championship trophy, the broke as fuck 1934 national championship trophy and the stoned 1960’s trophy, I think Floyd needs to come hang out with some trophies that were molded after they started integrating buses in Montgomery. We have Big Ten Championship trophies, bowl trophies and something known as the "Doak Walker Award" that are actually from the past decade. I’m sure Floyd would love to hang out with something a little more prestigious than whatever they gave the Gophers for winning the 2004 LOLOLOL Bowl.

Minnesota is off to a fast start this year. Man, they’re totally the type of team that doesn’t get off to hot starts before absolutely shitting the bed in conference play, aren’t they? I see MarQueis Gray isn’t plaything this weekend. What, is he having problems passing standardized tests…again? Who is starting this weekend? Is Bryan Cupito still available?

JDMill: I see what you did there. Bashing Minnesota for old trophies from the past while touting old trophies from the more recent past... it's clever. It's a reach, but it's clever. I also see that you resurrected that old tired bit about Tim Brewster taking credit for things he didn't do. It's a good one. But sorry, you aren't even as good at it as Minnesota fans are. It's okay. It really is. I know you don't have much to go on right now. I understand. Everybody hurts.

But in addition to me not buying it, Floyd's not buying it, Iowa. He's more interested in the here and now. Floyd knows you are 2-2, and very nearly 1-3 this season. He knows you lost to a MAC team this season, should have lost to another MAC team this season, and he knows you aren't even the best team in your own state (again). Floyd is ashamed.

So hey, should we maybe talk about THIS season? Maybe we talk about how thoroughly mediocre (which is being very kind) the Hawkeyes have been in their own stadium? How they've lost two games at Kinnick this year? Should we talk about how the Hawkeyes came within 3 minutes of losing a third game this season on a neutral field to Northern Illinois? About how Vandenberg has a grand total of ONE touchdown pass through 4 games, or how he had ZERO through 3? How Iowa is ranked 107th in the nation in points scored? Should we talk about ANY of those things that have actually happened THIS season?

Or I guess we could just keep talking about the past if, you know, that makes it a little bit easier to stomach what it's going to feel like to have a losing record in just a few days.

Mike: THIS season? I did ask you about this season. I asked you which future AFL flunkie would be starting for the Gophers on Saturday. Is it the Ginger or guy that Iowa State didn’t even want? And what’s with the coulda shoulda woulda business? Sure, Iowa could be 1-3. They could also be 4-0 if they had a head coach who didn’t believe that onside kicks were against NCAA rules and a quarterback who wasn’t a bigger letdown than Bert Faver in his second year as a Viking. Unfortunately (or fortunately), we don’t live in that coulda world and the Hawkeyes are 2-2.

Passing touchdowns? WTF are those? We don’t need passing touchdowns. Passing touchdowns are for terrorists and Matt Barkley. So uh…terrorists. All we need is the Hebrew Hammer. His name is Mark Weisman. He’s a 6’0, 225 sophomore walk-on fullback who originally committed to Air Force before coming to Iowa. We’re actually not even sure he’s Jewish. We’re just making a wildly and somewhat stereotypical assumption that he’s Jewish because of his last name. And yes. I said he’s a walk-on fullback. He’s also a walk-on fullback who is averaging more YPC than Venric Mark, Le’Veon Bell and Ameer Abdullah. Mock him at your own peril.

And you talk about scoring offense as if it’s a big deal. This is the Big 10. Not the Big 12. Who cares about scoring points? It doesn’t matter if you’re scoring 16 points as long as you’re holding the opposing team to 14. Our conference prides itself on defense, not cute gimmicky offenses that are doomed to crumble.

How about Minnesota’s impact players? Do they have another great running back that will soon grace the beautiful gymnasiums of the Continental Indoor Football League?

JDMill: The Ginger is starting. You know, the guy who has thrown 4 TD passes in just 53 attempts, whereas it's taken Vandenberg 128 attempts to throw just one. But, oh yeah, what am I thinking? TD passes don't matter.

Weisman? Yeah, I think I've heard of him. He was about, what, an 8th stringer before AIRBHG took down the 7 guys listed on the depth chart ahead of him. Thank you for the clarification on him being a walk-on... I was wondering if Iowa had a dozen RB's on scholarship.

Look, Weisman has been a factor running the ball in two games. Those two games? Central Michigan (who gives up 192 rushing yards/game and over 5 yards/carry) from the MAC and Northern Iowa... an FCS team. And we're really going to compare his YPC to Le'Veon Bell? Bell has carried the ball 64 more times than Weisman and has actually run against a couple of real defenses. I'm not mocking Weisman (because doing so would be at my own peril). He's done everything he could with his opportunity. But I can mock you for comparing him to Le'Veon Bell, can't I?

But listen, I'm just glad that you guys have found someone to play the position. And as far as scoring offense not being a big deal? LAWDAMIGHTY, you better hope it's not. Iowa ranks dead last in the B1G in points/game, and they haven't even faced any of those defenses "our conference prides itself on" yet.

As for our own RB, we're cool with Donnell Kirkwood. A guy who has actually played in all 4 of our games (*cough*) and is averaging over 90 yards/game and 4.5 yards/carry. He doesn't have to run the ball 25 times/game (*cough*) because the Gophers do have some other weapons and at least a semblance of a passing game.

As far as I'm concerned, this game can't get here soon enough. I've learned enough from Iowa fans over the years that you guys can pretty much justify anything (sex in public bathrooms, tearing down goalposts, trying to carry said goalposts through revolving doors, paying Kirk Ferentz nearly $4m/year), so I'm pretty interested to hear your prediction for the game.

I think defense rules the day on Saturday. I mean really, every other defense that the Hawkeyes have faced has ruled them, why wouldn't Minnesota's?

Gophers win 17-13.

Mike: I'LL RULE YOUR FACE. And considering the Hawkeyes have never lost the Floyd of Rosedale in my presence at Kinnick, which has been around 4 or 5 times, and considering Minnesota hasn't won there since tech vests were cool, I'll go Iowa 24-20. And yes, we'll recover the onside kick this time.