1. Michigan State (168 points, all 14 first-place votes) - Beer Pong
Call it Beirut, be a snob and ask where the paddles are, but no matter what you say: Beer pong is a timeless classic and the king of kings when it comes to drinking games. Tom Izzo's teams have demonstrated all the skills necessary: strong defense (from those dirty, dirty bouncers), good shooting, and a solid 12-9 overtime record. While they start slow in the season until they work a good buzz going, you don't want to run into this team in the late game.
2. Ohio State (153) - Flip Cup/Tippy Cup
Get it? It's a game that relies primarily on hand dexterity, just like Aaron Craft's defense! Sometimes the jokes just write themselves. Also, this was the first drinking game I ever played in college. Just a note there.
3. Wisconsin (135) - Circle of Death/Waterfall/King's Cup
Regardless of name, Circle of Death is like Wisconsin basketball: painfully slow-moving, but suddenly your pants are down because you swore and I'll be damned if the hot girl across the circle didn't make that a rule when she pulled the king and now she's eying you up. While this game usually gets close to finishing the deal, it's prone to see the wheels fall off late in the night when everyone's too drunk to function and the refs aren't calling the fouls Bo Ryan relies on. Yeah, it was a good night in Madison.
4. Indiana (121) - Hammerschlagen/Stump
Listening to Indiana fans talk about IU basketball is like the dull thump, thump, thump of this nonetheless awesome game, though there's someone who is always stuck holding the hammer at the end of the night because they couldn't finish that last nail when it counted. Then they cut down the nets.
5. Michigan (113) - Beer Darts
A lawn classic done best with tall boys on a summer's night, Michigan basketball will rely on its sharp-shooters like Nik Stauskas to go deep into the night. When those darts are hitting their targets, be prepared for a kill shot right through the top of the can. When they're missing, though, watch out-suddenly you've lost to
that really drunk girl Penn State and have no clue how it happened.
6. Iowa (107) - BOOM
Partially because I played this with some BHGP friends at an Iowa tailgate and partially because it speaks well to the violence that is Fran McCaffery around a chair, Boom very well fits Iowa basketball in 2013-14. Boom is a game much like Slap Cup, except instead of slapping the cup out of the way, the cup is stacked on top of the offending player's cup, accompanied by a "BOOM" noise. An up-and-comer, BOOM could find its way to the Promised Land of drinking games in my book very soon.
7. Illinois (81) - Caps/Quarters
A former blue-chip stock that has fallen on hard times but you associated with that one drunk jerk named Bruce (you all know that guy who was at the parties), Caps and Quarters require a little luck and a couple bounces. If you struggle to shoot with your opponent, you could find yourself shot out of the building (and quite literally shot to drunkenness), but quarters is one you can get the hang of pretty quickly, much like Illinois in the short term.
8. Minnesota (71) - Zoomy Zoomy
Much like the last Northwestern game I watched at the Barn (where Minnesota led 17-14 at halftime), Zoomy Zoomy is one of those annoying games that everyone goes into with higher expectations, but suddenly you're not as drunk as you thought you'd be, you're disappointed, and dammit all if you're not just going to yell about something because you're displeased. That's when you decide to fire Tubby Smith.
9. Purdue (52) - Up and Down the River
Where the River is the Wabash, and Up and Down represents the gentle crests and valleys of the Boilermakers in the Big Ten, from Keady through Painter. I don't know, guys. Purdue's not worth my time, OK?
10. Nebraska (42) - Never Have I Ever
Won a game in the NCAA tournament. (10 other teams clap, drink)
11. Penn State (31) - Edward Fortyhands
It takes a strong stomach be a Penn State fan, much like that strength required to stomach 80 ounces of Colt 45 before running to the bathroom. Once in a while, you hold it and manage to go dancing (off to the bathroom), but more often than not, you've wet yourself in public and wake up being told you've ruined your sister's Confirmation. You post a hilariously awesome FanPost on OTE in the meantime, though.
12. Northwestern (18) - (Screw) the Dealer
Because being a fan of Northwestern is something like being the dealer. You're always going to get (screw)ed.
(ed note: Don't drink and drive. Seriously.)
(ed note 2: Off Tackle Empire in no way condones binge drinking or any kind of unhealthy behavior. *wink*)