Earlier this week, we looked at this year's crop of individual 'award' winners in the Big Ten. While I might have missed a couple from an incredibly long email chain - a chain that devolved into mocking my coffeehouse choices - I did not forget about the team side. Of course, we don't really give out team awards to the winners, we give them out to those who we could get the easiest bit of self-loathing or mockery on. You know, journalists and all. So to all those teams that were memorable, and so that you all have a Friday place to freely mock anyone and everyone, here are the Delanies4Teams! Enjoy...
All of the Sad Sad Purdue Awards:
via Candystripes for Breakfast, The We-Almost-Have-A-Worse-Record-Than-The-Team-We-Beat Award: coming within one score of 0-12 and finishing the year worse than FCS Indiana State, who joined Purdue at 1-11.
via Ted, The Miley-Cyrus-At-The-AMA-Performance-Oh-My-God-I-Want-To-Look-Away-But-I-Just-Can't-Because-This-Fucking-Train-Wreck-Is-Epic Award: Train wreck, Purdue. DID YOU SEE WAHT I JUST DID?
via babaoreally, The Thank-God-the-season-is-over-because-it-was-starting-to-get-just-a-little-bit-sad-haha-just-kidding-it-was-incredibly-sad Memorial Plaque
And Let's Keep that Sad Train Going with Indiana Awards
via Candystripes for Breakfast, The Despite-Going-5-and-7-We-Were-2-Plays-From-7-and-5-And-Our-Former-Coach-Would-Say-That's-A-Positive-Thing Award: For living the Bill Lynch maxim of being 1 or 2 plays from bowl eligible (The Minnesota Debacle, Any score or any stop against Navy).
via GoAUpher, The DID-THAT-REALLY-HAPPEN-OH-WOW-SOMEONE-OUT-GOPHER'D-THE-GOPHERS! Award: For the wonderful little lateral play they ran at the end of the Minnesota game. That play also earned Kevin Wilson the "I AM SO MAD THAT I AM GOING TO SMASH MY HEADSET INTO THE GROUND WITH EXTREME FORCE" award.
also via Candystripes, The Underachieving-Overachievers Award: For doing all of the following in a single season: nearly setting a school record for points in a game, failing to keep Navy off the scoreboard and still nearly winning, having a bad loss look a lot better by the end of the season (thanks, Mizzou!), blowing out a conference championship game participant (howdy, Bowling Green!), finally getting a 600 pound gorilla off the program, arguably exposing the B1G's arguably best defense, causing a Michigan girl to temporarily lose all brain function on camera, failing to understand when a pass goes backwards and out-Goofing Minnesota, nearly giving Illinois a nice thing before dream crushing them instead, getting held out of the end zone entirely for 6 quarters, refusing to give the Buckeyes too many style points, winning the Bucket while making the game look closer than it actually was, and somehow turning an 8 home game schedule into just another Indiana football season.
Yikes... Speaking of which, Illinois:
via Ted, The Walking-Dead-Everything-Nice-In-That-Show-Dies-And-Becomes-Undead Award: You started off kind of nice, but eventually were eaten by zombies and became Illinois. Nice things. Can't have 'em. Illinois. Porridge.
And While Ted Was At It
The You're-Kim-Kardashian-In-That-You've-Done-Nothing-Yet-People-Stil-Give-You-Attention Award: Northwestern. Name one major accomplishment you've had. And just like Kim, your claim to fame is related to porn, you gang of fucksaws, you.
via MNWildcat, The We-Thought-We-Could-Have-The-Most-Heartbreaking-Endings-But-Couldn't-Even-Be-The-Best-At-That Award goes to Northwestern as a whole, for suffering nut-punch defeat after nut-punch defeat, from Iowa (OT) to Nebraska (FUUUUUCK) to Michigan (seriously, your fucking offensive line was not set goddamnit), looking like no team could find any more devastating way to lose this year, then being colossally one-upped by Ala-fucking-bama in the last week of the year. Jerks.
And Because These Wouldn't Be Complete Without Ted Swiping at Michigan Because We're Not Exactly Journalists With Non-Biased Attitudes
The You're-so-Overrated-You're-Almost-As-Bad-A-Joke-As-Nickelback Award: Michigan. Seriously, you've been two or three years away for like 10 years now. Just shutup about being good until you win the damn conference.
As you can see, there were far fewer submissions for team awards from our writers, so feel free to submit your own. Happy Friday (try not to hear that in the voice of your most annoying friend/coworker) everyone.