For a brief explanation of the "rules," such as they were, I'll refer you to Jesse's compilation of the offensive awards, but let's be real: the action this year is all about defense. You know, galactically significant defense in particular. And it wouldn't be B1G awards season without controversy in the punter award. The envelope, please:
The Mike Jones High Motor Defensive Lineman of the Year Award: Shilique Calhoun, Michigan State
Normally, the criteria for this award require the recipient to be white and 6'2" or shorter in honor of Mike Jones, the staff's resident undersized, high-motor high school defensive end. Turns out there aren't really that many defensive ends who fit those criteria in the B1G, and even fewer (read: none) that had noteworthy seasons. Ergo the criteria are suspended.
Shilique Calhoun- 4 votes
Randy Gregory- 3 votes
Noah Spence- 2 votes
Some Spartan DWAG- 1 vote
The Hilary Lee Beast Mode Defensive Tackle of the Year Award: Ra'Shede Hageman, Minnesota
Hilary didn't make a specific request for an award to be named after her, but if she played football in high school, she was probably a run-stopping, quarterback-flattening force on the line, right?
Ra'Shede Hageman- 10 votes
The Candystripes For Breakfast Probably Would Have Been a Corner If He Had Played, And Probably Would Have Improved Indiana's Pass Defense This Season If He Had Award: Darqueze Dennard, Michigan State
Yeah, I chuckled at naming a defensive award after the Indiana writer, too.
Darqueze Dennard: 8 votes
Tim Bennett [Ed. note: Who?]: 2 votes
The Aaron Yorke Gets The Linebacker Award Because There Aren't Many Left And Also Linebacker U Or Something Award: Ryan Shazier, OSU, AND Chris Borland, Wisconsin
Hey, when one of your 11 voting writers only votes for the punter, ties are entirely possible. Nothing out of the ordinary about that.
Ryan Shazier- 5 votes
Chris Borland- 5 voters
The Babaoreally Hears Safety Play Is A Fun Thing For Your Defense To Have But Has Not Observed It Firsthand In A Decade Award: Kurtis Drummond, Michigan State
A free safety leading the team in tackles is usually a really bad sign because it means your linebackers are getting eaten by opposing offensive linemen and the other team's running for 8 yards a pop. Or, you know, that your system allows the free safety to fly all over the field, demolishing screens and finishing off ball carriers.
Kurtis Drummond- 8 votes
Ibraheim Campbell- 1 vote
Greg Heban- 1 vote
The MSULaxer27 1-11 Never Forget Memorial Returner of the Year Award: Kevonte Martin-Manley, Iowa, AND Kenny Bell, Nebraska
OK, this is some straight-up Tammany Hall bullsh!t. I am getting to the bottom of this if it's the last thing I ever do.
Kevonte Martin Manley- 4 votes
Kenny Bell- 4 votes
Shane Wynn- 1 vote
Akeem Hunt- 1 vote
The Brian Gillis I Got Nothing Clever Because He Never Admits Anything Embarrassing Assistant Coach of the Year Award: Pat Narduzzi, Michigan State
Nothing to see here.
Pat Narduzzi: 10 votes
The Beckman-Hazell 1-15 Conference Record Memorial Head Coaching Award: Minnesota Coaching Staff
After some discussion, we decided the best way to address Minnesota's situation was to consider votes for Jerry Kill or Tracy Claeys as combined votes for the entire Gopher staff.
Minnesota- 5 votes
Kirk Ferentz- 3 votes
Mark Dantonio- 2 votes
The Green Akers Golden Foot Punter of the Year Award: Cody Webster, [REDACTED]
I have never been more ashamed of this panel. What's Webster's YPC average? How many games did he WIN with his play this year? He couldn't crack the Top 100 Sexiest College Football Players in the West Lafayette Picayune ferchrissakes. The politics, man. The fucking politics. Disgusting. //spits on award
Cody Webster- 4 votes
Mike Sadler- 3 votes
Peter Mortell- 2 votes
Cameron Johnston- 1 vote
Sebastian Janikowski- 1 vote [Ed. note: OH REAL MATURE HE DOESN'T EVEN PUNT ANYMORE]
That's all. The fucking awards are over. Everyone go home. //shuts off power