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B1G 2013 // Keeping the Enemy Close: Where in the World Does Tim Beckman Coach Football?

OTE got a sneak peek at the BTN's newest game show -- Where In the World Does Tim Beckman Coach Football? Do it, Rockapella!

A new game show coming this fall to BTN....
A new game show coming this fall to BTN....
C.E. Bell

Scene: BTN Studios, Chicago. Fall, 2013:

Revsine_talking_head_medium Well, that wraps it up for this edition of Big Ten and Beyond. We hope you enjoyed the show. And now, it's....wait, are you serious? A game show? Are we some half-assed network like SEC Network now? Fine, whatever, the BTN's newest game show is....NEEEEEXXXXXXXXXTTTTT!

Rockapella_medium Doo wop, doo doo wee doo wop, doo doo wee doo wop, doo doo wee doo wop BOW!
Well he came to Champaign-Urbana as a Rocket from Toledo,
He hates the color purple, and he dips tobacco leaves,
He'll take you on a ride, to a winless Big Ten season, tell me:
Where in the World Does Tim Beckman Coach Football?!?!

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the game show sensation that's sweeping the nation: "Where in the World Does Tim Beckman Coach Football?!" And now, here's your host with the most, Illini legend -- J Leman!

J_leman_medium (Shaking out his luscious locks) Thanks everybody, I'm so glad to be here! I'm hoping this gig lasts as long as my NFL career....welcome to "Where in the World Does Tim Beckman Coach Football?" the game show that asks its contestant each week to identify the continent, country, state, and city where Tim Beckman coaches football! It's a game show so easy, even non-AAU students at Nebraska could do it! Let's meet this week's, Tim Beckman?

Tim_beckman_medium Beckman in the house! Dare to be great! Go Fighting Illini!

J_leman_medium Um, Coach Beckman, don't you think this game show will be a little easy for you?

Tim_beckman_medium We lost 10 games last year! Beating Charleston Southern was the highlight of my season! Let's just say I need this win!

J_leman_medium Fair enough, coach. Let's get started with the first question: What continent do you coach football on?

Beckman_chews_medium Um, J, that's not on my card.

Bielema_laugh_medium It's on my card! WOOO PIG SOOIE! Bielema OUT, BITCHES!

J_leman_medium Please, no help from the studio audience.

Tim_beckman_medium What is a continent?

Paterno_laugh_medium I'M INCONTINENT!

Beckman_laugh_medium HEE HEE HEE that old, dead guy pooped his pants!

J_leman_medium Too soon, Zombie Paterno. Too soon. Would someone clean up that mess?

Bob_chin_medium Yep. I got this. (Plugs chin into wall, vacuuming sound)

J_leman_medium Wow, impressive. I didn't know your chin dimple was actually a vacuum, Coach O'Brien. Coach Beckman, the correct answer was North America. Let's move on to round 2. Coach Beckman -- what COUNTRY do you coach football in?

Tim_beckman_medium Don't end sentences with a preposition, J! Always finish! Win!

J_leman_medium Wait, you don't know what continents are but you're correcting my grammar?

Tim_beckman_medium Geography is for losers, like porridge! Winners eat steak and diagram sentences!

J_leman_medium Fine, coach. In which country do you coach football?

Beckman_laugh_medium Djibouti.

Rockapella_medium And if you is a crook than you takin' it

Beckman_laugh_medium Djibouti.

Rockapella_medium And if you got money you shakin' it

Beckman_laugh_medium Djibouti.

Rockapella_medium Come on everybody that's here, that's word to Phife Dawg and my man Shaheed...

J_leman_medium Rockapella! Stop singing Tribe Called Quest songs with Coach Beckman! It's embarrassing and arguably racist!

Rockapella_medium Sorry, J!

J_leman_medium Coach Beckman, you do not coach football in Djibouti!

Tim_beckman_medium I don't? But Mike Mayock likes big butts, and the top priority in my job is to put guys in the NFL, so I figured I must coach in Djibouti!

J_leman_medium Coach, you're supposed to win football games! And win this game show! Come on -- what is the name of the country in which you coach football?

Tim_beckman_medium Skoal Country.

J_leman_medium Skoal Country is not a country.

Beckman_laugh_medium The fuck it isn't.

J_leman_medium Goddamnit, coach, here's a hint: I'm wearing an American flag tie!

35395_michigan_iowa_football_medium Those colors don't run! America! Fuck yeah! Love it or leave it! U-S-A #1!

J_leman_medium Thank you Ricky Stanzi! The USA, coach football in the USA.

Beckman_laugh_medium Yeah, you're right....but wouldn't it be funny if I coached in Djibouti?

J_leman_medium I'm pretty sure the people of Djibouti have higher standards for their football coaches. Alright, round 3 -- what's the name of the STATE in which you coach football?

Tim_beckman_medium Oh that's easy. I coach football at Penn State.


J_leman_medium Coach Beckman, you do not coach football at Penn State.

Tim_beckman_medium Yes I do. All those guys in white and blue, those are my players. I recruited them.

J_leman_medium Coach, you tried to recruit those players, but they all stayed at Penn State. And then they curb-stomped your football team.

Beckmanfailure_medium_medium Now I remember.

J_leman_medium Coach, I'll give you some hints -- "Our state, our team?" There are three "I"s in the name of your team's state?

Tim_beckman_medium J, I'm fairly certain there's only one "I" in my team.

J_leman_medium ILLINOIS, coach! You coach in the state of Illinois! We would have also accepted that you coached in a state of confusion, a drunken state, or a state of dumbfounded and abject terror. Final, in what city do you coach football?

Tim_beckman_medium Chicago?

J_leman_medium No.

Tim_beckman_medium Not that Chicago, the OTHER Chicago, where all our fans are going to the Caravan.

J_leman_medium Coach, that's called Evanston. And you're not going there, either, even if the Illini's football website is still celebrating you getting beaten by 36 points the last time you went.

Beckman_laugh_medium Funny, I don't remember much about that game at all.

Ed_hochuli_medium_medium That's what happens when you run into my thunder, jackass. (Throws flag at Beckman)

Tim_beckman_medium (Crab walks away from the referee)

J_leman_medium Coach Beckman, you are the football coach of the Fighting Illini of the University of Illinois, in North America, in the United States, in the state of Illinois, in Champaign-Urbana. If you don't even know that, how on earth are you coaching football?

Beckman_laugh_medium Oh, I don't coach football. I've just been doing whatever the voice on the other end of this earpiece in my ear tells me to do for the past year.

J_leman_medium Wait....voice on the other end of the earpiece...????


Scene: B1G Commissioner Jim Delany's Private Island Fortress. The Commissioner turns off his TV.

Angry_delany_medium I can't believe I let Howard Griffiths talk me into this show. I mean, if we want Illini fans to watch our network, we should have entitled the show "SUPER HOOPITYBALL BASKETBALL BONANZA HOSTED BY KENDALL GILL AND SPONSORED BY STATE FARM" like I suggested. Nothing was even remotely entertaining about that.....and that J Leman was a moron. Someone bring me his head....wait, no, I have a better idea. (Picks up phone) Pat?

Fitzgerald_medium Yes Commissioner?

Angry_delany_medium You still have the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, right?

Fitzgerald_medium Yes. It's on permanent display here in Evanston, its permanent home. It's sitting right next to that Monopoly hat we now play for. I've got both eyes pointed right at it.

Angry_delany_medium I'd like you to do me a favor.....

Scene: BCS Commissioners Meeting

Slive_laughing_medium ....and since we're working with geniuses at ESPN like Chris Broussard, Skip Bayless, and Chris Berman, this new SEC Network is SURE to be a huge.....hey, wait, who is that ravishingly handsome man with such beautiful hair!!!!

Delany_with_leman_s_scalp_medium Consider them rolled, bitches.