B1G Hatin'

[Originally posted in the comments for "Keeping the Enemy Close: Rutgers, College Football's Nouveau Riche"]

Greetings my new B1G Brothers!

First off, my apologies for the late arrival to this beautiful thread. I was enjoying the actual Jersey Shore all weekend and catching up with work before digesting this symphony of commentary.

Second, I’m loving the great start you’ve gotten here. I can feel the hatelove with every Buttgers zinger, every Mike Rice reference, and every Snooki callout. This is the sort of passion that we never had in the Big East after BC, VT and Miami left. We have a seat at the B1G kids table now and it…is…AWESOME!

That said, I have to ask: Is this the best you’ve got?

This is the best hate that you can muster for the State University of New Jersey, the assumed birthplace of flipping the bird? You’re saying that the likes of UConn and Syracuse can out smack-talk the powerhouse smack-talkers of the vaunted Big Ten? Come on, I thought you were better than that, B1ggie!

You see, New Jersey is a lot of things. One of those things is brutally honest. We say it like it is and we mean what we say. Upside: You’ll know exactly how we feel about you. Downside: We’ll point out things that you may not be happy about. So, in order to really get some hate going (because honestly, I will truly miss mixing it up with Cuse and UConn fans), I think we need to make a few things perfectly clear.

Most importantly, we are better than you. You know it and we know it. People like to think that Jersey has an inferiority complex. Nope! We are awesome and we know it. If anything, we have a well-deserved superiority complex. Look at the data. Look at the cultural references and relativity. Look at the history.

The funny thing is, you know it too, or you wouldn’t have come crawling over to the Turnpike asking for our vast untapped riches. Yes, please, go ahead and rag on Rutgers for ignoring big time college football for the ~100 years between our national championship (oh yes, we’re going there) and our rebirth in 2006. But know that you added us to your grand conference (and yes, it is grand!) for a reason. This was not charity. You need us and you know it.

Now, let’s get a little more specific. Jersey has some words for each of you…and since this is a Big Ten blog and I know you proper folks abhor cursing and adore clever old-manisms like "Buttgers" I’ve replaced all of my original curse words with friendly midwesternisms.

Illinois – I’m sorry, who the fudge nuggets are you? Do you even play football?

Indiana – You guys have a great basketball team. Get it the fiddle sticks off of the football field!

Iowa – Where in the gee whillickers are you? I mean, I guess I can find Iowa on Google Maps, but how the Sam Hill in the middle of nowhere do you need to be? Do you realize that you have more pigs than people in your state? HOW MUCH BACON DOES A MAN NEED?

Michigan – How in the shnookerdookies do you have a superiority complex over anyone? Your crown jewel is DETROIT. Besides that, how in the world do you explain the nosedive your once-proud program has taken over the last few years. You may have a ton of wins over the years, but you lost to 1 more AA team than Rutgers in the past 10. How does THAT taste you high and mighty mothersmuckers?

Michigan State – Eat this you whiny fiddlesticks:

Minnesota – Son of a bucket! How cold is it up there? Seriously people, what were you thinking in settling on the middle of the air conditioning unit of America? At least your football team is terrible. We could use a win here and there against this murders row of cheaters and deviants.

Maryland – It’s okay little brother, we’ll take care of you. Don’t let those woods folk get you down. Hey, we should get together more. Rivalry game at our place next year?

Nebraska – Son of a Mother Trucker! You’re even further than Iowa! What in the front door were you thinking getting that far away from civilization? I guess being out there, nobody realizes how horse pucky overrated you are. Good thing for you!

Northwestern – Poo on a stick to you for being so smart. Seriously, farkleberry you! We’re smart too, we just don’t parade it around like a Fraggle Rock monkey showing off its snickerdoodle. Have a little humility you pretentious banana shenanigans!

Ohio State – We reserve a special flavor of hate for son of a gun cheaters like you. How do you sleep at night you dirty marlin pants? I mean seriously, is there a dirtier program in College Football? It’s like you play in the dagnabbit SEC!

Penn State – Gee whiz, you jumpin’ jiminy bullies! You kicked our cheese and rice for years when we were little. Well, guess what you varsity sons of buckets, we found the protein shakes and you got smacked in the egads for not prosecuting a FRACKING SERIAL PEDOPHILE. We’re going to beat the strawberry shortcake out of you fools for the next 20 years until we can straighten out your priorities, you sick geez terwilligers.

Purdue – Isn’t Indiana the home of the fraggling KKK? Fishsticks that.

Wisconsin – Honestly, it’s hard to find something to hate about Wisconsin. You seem to have your shandy together. You seem to play with respect. Congratulations for being the most Oh My Goodness boring school in the most Howdy Doodie boring conference in Amerrrica. At least Maryland is interesting – a hot toddy mess – but interesting. Can you get a little flair together for us, sweetie?

Also, while we’re here, let’s clear up a few things:

1. Jersey is not "Jersey Shore". "Jersey Shore" is a bunch of clowns from Rhode Island and upstate New York (you’d like it up there. There are cows). New Jersey is the financial and economic powerhouse of the New York-Washington megalopolis. Jersey was the third state admitted to the union, we have the second highest household income, and the most millionaires of any state. We’re the birthplace of The Boss, James Gandolfini, and Frank Sinatra. We started college football, invented the lightbulb and turned the tide of the Revolutionary War. We are – as you folk would put it – Gee Whiz Awesome.

2. It’s better to be new money on the rise than old money on the decline. Look at the historical trends. Outside of 1976, Rutgers football was barely more than a club team before 2000. Since then? Winning is the new norm. Bowls are expected. The only questions Rutgers players getting drafted is how many and what round? We’re 10% of the Patriots roster, beaches!

3. We are the educated elite. You are country bumkins. We spend weekends at the shore, in the city, and in towns that would be the cultural epicenter of each of your respective communities. You spend weekends cow tipping and barn raising, whatever the farkleberry that means. You will soon learn this and you will hate us for it. Some of you may even move here, because it is awesome.

You may ask why all the Jersey references and few references to Rutgers? Well, more than any school I know, Rutgers channels its home state. Rutgers IS New Jersey. It is all of the beauty, all of the wealth, all of the corruption and all of the anger. It is the aggressive, proud, altruistic manifestation of what makes New Jersey dynamic, frustrating, powerful and relevant.

We have the recruiting base. We have the financial and institutional backing. We have loyal fans who stuck it out through the wanna-be-Ivy-League years. We have the largest media market in the country and are the darlings of ESPN. The Empire State Building lights up Scarlet when we have a big game, the country watches when we get on a roll and…pay attention you backwater hogriders, because this should scare you…We’re just getting started.

You…Big Ten…You beautifully historic programs with your glorious stadiums and deep coffers…YOU have just woken the sleeping giant. Be forewarned my future battle brothers: We may have a tough go next year. We may have a tough couple years. But as sure as shoot, we’re going to dominate you flyover nobodies for years to come.

You want some hate? We’ve got your hate right here.

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