Hi everyone, I'm (one of) the photoshop guys here at Off Tackle Empire. I've been a Northwestern season ticket holder since 2001, and love Big Ten football.

I enjoy talking about it with everyone here, and even helped some of our new friends from the ESPN board feel at home.

I also enjoy talking with some of the regulars here on Twitter (my account is LPWildcat), and I wish that everyone here was on it (looking at you MNWildcat and ICEICETHATGUY13)

However, one thing has bothered me over the past few years: the Nebraska Cornhuskers.

Now, some of you may ask why a historical powerhouse with some of the friendliest fans on the planet piss me off?

(The Nebraska crew is great here, and they also have a great home at cornnnation.com)

It's simple: the team, it's coaches, mascots and fans simply are not what they appear to be. They aren't friendly at all: rather they are all diabolically evil.

Lets start first and foremost with Bo Pelini. We all know this man is prone to breathtaking fits of rage.

Please put some headphones on and watch a lipreader with a computerized British accent fill in the blanks during the Texas A&M game a few years back.

I'm serious, put on some headphones, because he swears like an angry sailor.

I fear for the future of the program since Tom Osborne is no longer around to control Bo Pelini. Nebraska AD Shawn Eichorst has no idea what he's in for.

Or how do I know that Eichorst isn't encouraging Pelini?

At least there's only 1 Pelini roaming the sidelines in Lincoln at the unimaginatively named Memorial Stadium. Do we really need 3 stadiums named Memorial Stadium in this conference?

Or what, 5 teams with red in this conference?

Let's review the misdeeds of Bo Pelini:

His real name is not Bo Pelini, it's Lord Voldemort.

Bo Pelini is a slobbering drunkard.

And he seriously scares the crap out of me.

Do you see the evil in his eyes?

Those dead black eyes?

What was the final fate of that cat?. *

#REMEMBERBOSCAT

Now that you're good and scared, lets focus on actual football.

I was in college when I watched one of the most horrifying games on TV: The Alamo Bowl when Nebraska utterly murdered (and set a bowl record) vs Northwestern.

This game scarred me for life! Nebraska WONT STOP SCORING!

/Nebraska scores again.

At least I'm happy for Wisconsin for delivering karmic justice by curbstomping the Huskers in last year's Big Ten Championship Game.

/WISCONSIN SCORES AGAIN.

Anyone seen the blackshirts recently?

Also, another thing that ticks me off about Nebraska is their fans. First, they are not the greatest fans in the world.

That sign is bullshit, by the way

They're a big red horde that sells out a game 5 minutes after tickets go on sale, eats all the food, drinks all the beer, and is so loud that Northwestern has to use a silent count at home.

I don't remember any team causing Northwestern to use a silent count in 12 years of going to games in Evanston!

That is eminently hateable.

And it's not just Big Ten stadiums they take over:

If there's no hope for the Fighting Irish, there's no hope for us all.

Nebraska's fans are evil. They're supposedly nice and friendly, but they're seriously the children of the corn.

Nebraska's fans also take a extreme amount of perverse pleasure in their 5 national championships.

Have you seen the new Nike Pro Combat uniform they're going to wear this year?

/ht Horace E Cow @ Black Heart Gold Pants

Lets talk a little bit about the University of Nebraska - Lincoln.

You would think that they would choose to abbreviate themselves as UN, right? Its utterly logical.

NO

Unfortunately, they can't spell worth a damn (yet another reason why they were kicked out of the AAU), therefore they have the unmitigated gall to call themselves NU.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE CALLED NU, LEGALLY CHANGE THE DAMN NAME OF THE SCHOOL TO NEBRASKA UNIVERSITY!!!

There's only one NU in this conference, and it is Northwestern University. You guys can call yourselves UN or UNL.

/dismissive wanking motion.gif

/WISCONSIN SCORES AGAIN.

The last thing that pisses me off about Nebraska is the great evil they have wreaked upon our grand conference. A demon from hell call-

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

STOP RIGHT NOW DAMMIT!

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS

The inflatable demonspawn-

HAVEN'T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH?!?!

/WISCONSIN SCORES AGAIN.

STOP WRITING THIS ARTICLE!

LIL RED!

Oh crapbuckets

If we hide in here, we might not be able to hear his story

No such luck guys!

Anyone have earplugs?

No.. No... Nope

SHIT!

YOU BETTER KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

/WISCONSIN SCORES AGAIN.

Go find your black shirts!

/sobs

Anyway, Lil' Red is the bad luck charm that caused Nebraska to win 5 national championship-

WE HAVE 7! SUCK IT NEBRASKA!

Ohio. WE'RE THE 1997 NATIONAL CHAMPION, NOT NEBRASKA! MANBALL!! Ohio.

RAWRFUCKSPITTLESHITPISS*FART*IWILLBRAINYOUWITHARUSTYFARMTOOLFATMAN

FUCK MICHIGAN!!!!

Hold on, that's not a very nice thi--

GET WITH THE PROGRAM ROOKIE!! FUCK MICHIGAN! GO CATS!

Hey Jerry, where's the Jug? NOT IN THAT FROZEN WASTELAND YOU CALL A STATE!

/sobs

//tears ACL

HEY!!! This is MY story

And Hazell, grow a damn mustache!

Bob Devaney sold his soul to the devil to build a powerful Nebraska program. But it came with a cost. In exchange for winning 5 national championships, a demonspawn, disguised as a oversized child, would become the secondary mascot.

What Devaney did not know is that the demonspawn has visited the earth plane before he arrived in Lincoln, causing great harm across the world.

For Example:

Lil Red is an axe murderer!

Lil Red caused the Hindenburg disaster

Lil Red is responsible for the sinking of the Titanic

Lil' Red caused Mount Saint Helens to erupt

Lil Red was the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

Ok, so Nebraska won 5 national championships. However, Lil' Red remained and continued to wreak havok.

Lil' Red battled the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers!

Lil' Red will steal your children

Lil' Red is responsible for Bill Callahan getting hired

.... Just die already!!

Lil' Red found a new friend when he took a vacation to Los Angeles

And last but not least, Lil Red attempted to kill Bo Pelini

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

How do we get rid of the demonspawn?

I'll take a crack at it.

MORE DEMONSPAWN DESTRUCTION!!! MORE !!!!!

This is the happiest day of my life! Salt's dream is realized!

/pant pant pant

almost got my breath back /pant

DONT STOP NOW!!!

FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY, MORE FIRE!!!!!

Shit, that didn't work!

Time to scamper off and ruin golf courses!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

How did Northwestern and Purdue get rid of Air Willie and Rowdy?

Oh, that's simple. Pat Fitzgerald and Joe Tiller dragged the inflatable mascots over to the Purdue Spaceport and launched the damn abominations into the deepest darkest reaches of space.

However, you guys are screwed because NASA retired the space shuttle!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

However, all hope is not lost. There is 1 man and one man alone who can stop Lil' Red's unholy reign of terror: Nebraska Chancellor Harvey Perlman

/WISCONSIN SCORES AGAIN.