Let's get something out of the way: if you haven't watched The Mighty Ducks or D2: The Mighty Ducks, go do that.
No, I mean it.
Literally stop what you are doing and go watch those two movies.
Ready? Good. Then I'll continue. To be clear, I'm not wasting my time on D3. That movie sucked. And ignore Rotten Tomatoes' 21% rating of D2. Those idiots wouldn't know a true masterpiece of American cinema if it sat on their face.
1. Michigan State - Gordon Bombay
154 points || 11 first-place votes || High: 1 || Low: 1 || Last Week: 1
Gordon was kept from playing in the big leagues for the longest time thanks to a conspiratorial knee injury. When he gets his shot, though, to coach, he encourages blue-collar hockey with its share of trick plays. Unfortunately, success leads Bombay to forget who he is, and after making it big, he forgets who he is. Oh, and he bangs Charlie's mom, which is a pretty baller move.
2. Ohio State - Coach Reilly
142 points || High: 2 || Low: 3 || LW: 2
Say what you will about the Hawks, but they won. Jack Reilly was at the center of it all. Ruthless, a solid coach, and Bombay's childhood coach (helloooo, Tressel/Dantonio circlejerk), Reilly was the evil empire of the first Mighty Ducks incarnation. Even after the Hawks lose their star player, Reilly still finds a way to get them back to the cusp of greatness.
3. Nebraska - Julie "The Cat" Gaffney
132 points || High: 2 || Low: 4 || LW: 3
I really just wanted to make a cat joke. Gaffney's pretty awesome, though. And Bombay denies her a shot at "showing the world" what she can do...until crunch time?
4. Iowa - Charlie Conway
119 points || High: 3 || Low: 6 || LW: 4
[You have no idea how much this hurts to say.]
You put your head down and play solid hockey, learning just enough tricks along the way to be a solid, if unspectacular, leader. You hit one shot early on (2002) and decide that means you're the leader for life. When the time comes, though, you realize that you're never going to earn the spotlight yourself and instead choose to be supportive of the team effort.
5. Minnesota - The Bash Brothers
106 points || High: 5 || Low: 7 || LW: 5
You're a bunch of hard-nosed tough guys who think the world of themselves. Bringing the pain every time you're on the ice, you show the ability to score one out of every five times, but are more concerned with just breaking a few windows and kicking the shit out of everyone along the way. Oh, and you learn how to
skate pass along the way, too.
6. Wisconsin - Gunnar Stahl
96 points || High: 4 || Low: 8 || LW: 7
The big, strong leader of the evil empire, which happens to hail from the cold, white north. Stahl is used to trucking over opponents in the Goodwill Games, though the Ducks find a way to stop him in the end. And let's be honest-you knew that you lacked the firepower to beat the Ducks. Just remember,
Gary Andersen Wolf Stansson: you lost it for yourself.
7. Northwestern - Les Averman
87 points || High: 6 || Low: 9 || LW: 6
In response to Bombay asking if losing was funny: "Well, not at first, but once you get the hang of it..." You're the lovable scamp of the group, more nerd than athlete, who is unfailingly put back into place once he starts to get a little uppity. "The Jess-man, makin' the new guy, the Jess-ter!" "Shut up, Averman!" Yep, that about sums it up. Shut up and get it done (poorly), Northwestern.
Turns out Matt Doherty actually went to Northwestern, too, which is pretty serendipitous.
8. Maryland - Kenny Wu
78 points || High: 5 || Low: 9 || LW: 10
You're still on a bit of a learning curve when it comes to the Big Ten, but that's OK. Teams like Wisconsin and Minnesota will be more than happy to show you how it's done. That's not to say you're not without your own tricks, but remember: stick, gloves, shirt. Now go kick the shit out of someone, you little nut.
9. Rutgers - Russ Tyler
76 points || High: 4 || Low: 9 || LW: 8
You nut. Here for your "urban cred" (seriously, why else get Kenan Thompson), you bring a little of the flair (or TV markets) this team requires to stay profitable. Though you might be a bit of a one-trick pony to most views, you replaced Goldberg on the biggest stage, cementing your legend in your first major appearance on the big stage.
10. Michigan - Goldberg
49 points || High: 10 || Low: 12 || LW: 13
Large, a tad ineffectual, and prone to gas? Sounds like everyone's favorite goalie/coach. You provide the rest of us with much-needed doses of comic relief, and while in D3 you get your shit together, no one cares about D3, anyways. In the meantime, you get pulled when the Ducks needed to make their finest plays (knucklepuck, Iceland shootout). At least you've been there since the start.
11. Indiana - Luis Mendoza
39 points || High: 10 || Low: 13 || LW: 11
Can it get more obvious? You go go go go go, but when it comes time to actually stop (someone), you tend to go crashing into the boards more than you score. Maybe if Hans can find enough soda cans, eventually your defense will put things together and make some noise.
12. Penn State - Jesse Hall
36 points || High: 11 || Low: 13 || LW: 9
You were there for the big moments early in the series, but you got awful defensive the moment Russ Tyler started to challenge you, and by the end you weren't even around at all. [That parallel worked a lot better than I thought it would.] I know it's tough to think that you're not the best player on the team, but man...Trinidad and Tobago tripped you up! (Foreshadowing, perhaps?)
13. Purdue - Trinidad and Tobago
30 points || High: 10 || Low: 13 || LW: 12
When you're scoring on teams, that's when we know we have a problem. No one's really certain of your existence, but your fans sure like to dress up in costume for your games and really look high on life while they're celebrating. Plus, let's be honest: you're nothing but a stereotype in the movie, and you're nothing but a stereotype in the Big Ten these days, either. /1-11neverforget
14. Illinois - Peter Karp
11 points || High: 14 || Low: 14 || LW: 14
You're never seen again after the first iteration, and your only purpose is to highlight how bad this team is. When you're not dumpster-diving for Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions, you're getting beaned in the head and incapacitated by pucks. And who's right there standing over you when you come to? Averman. "The Karpster, used his head to stop the puck! Mr. Karpelandi!" Classic. HAT.