What I Want in the Non-Con...Week 11?!

So. This is a little out-of-place, no? Somehow I'm stuck doing a WIWNC article in the middle of November, when just this morning I realized that we're getting to the sad point of fall when the long jackets start to cover leggings. And that's just depressing, really.

What were we talking about? Oh, right.

General Guidelines for the Non-Con in 2014

No home losses to non-AQ teams Welp.

2-1 against Notre Dame Double welp.

Protect yo turf (No home losses to non-AQ schools) Triple welp.

What a crappy season in the non-con, huh? At least we can totally redeem ourselves this week! ...oh.

What I Want, Week 11:

Northwestern at Notre Dame (-17.5) || 2:30pm CST, NBC

/climbs soapbox

Dear Northwestern,

Consider this my plea that you do something halfway competent-looking. Between losing to Cal at home, losing to Northern Illinois at home, and setting offensive football back about 80 years against Michigan, I have no idea how you beat Wisconsin at home or even put up a fight against Minnesota. That said, I have a couple things I would like you to improve upon.

(1) Please find a snapper who can get the ball to your punter, and a punter who can kick it more than 40 yards on the fly.

(2) Please tell Trevor Siemian that we do, in fact, like all of our wide receivers, and that those short little passes to Dan Vitale and Kyle Prater were, in fact, effective.

(3) If Mick McCall tells you not to do that and says something stupid like "Hey, let's give it to Treyvon Green on 2nd and 8" or "Hey, let's try a deep ball to Kyle Prater, our 6'5" possession receiver," tell him he's an idiot and should be fired at the end of this season.

(4) Keep doing whatever the hell you're doing on defense in games such as Wisconsin [forcing turnovers], Minnesota [stopping the run], and Michigan [letting bad teams self-destruct]. Do not do what you did against Iowa. Remember that that Everett Golson guy is really really good, but makes stupid mistakes. Good luck.

(5) Block more kicks. Those are fun. You seem to be really good at that.

(6) DO NOT CALL THE SAME GODDAMN 2-PT CONVERSION PLAY AGAINST MICHIGAN THAT YOU CALLED AGAINST CAL.

(7) Watch out for those banana peels Toad threw back at the 10-yard line, Trevor Siemian. They'll get'ya.

All my love,

MNW

PS - I want you to win, because I'll be there, but failing that, please try and cover, like Purdue did? That'd be swell.

Temple at Penn State (-11) || 11am, BTN

(first, let's all just laugh that the O/U for this game is 39.)

/clears throat

YOU DO. NOT. LOSE. TO TEMPLE. AT HOME.

/coughs

I want you to win, Penn State. I expect you won't cover, but you'll win.

So How Will It Go?

What I Want

2-0. But that's because I'm unrealistic and get fucked, Notre Dame. In reality, I want 1-1, including a PSU cover and a Northwestern cover.

What I Expect

1-1. This includes a hilariously awful Northwestern loss and a Penn State struggle-bus-fest that sees the two teams not even approach the O/U line and State fail to cover.

Burn Mattresses in the Streets If...

You need to stay warm. It's getting cold out there, folks.

An Aside about Scheduling:

To recap, these are the Big Ten's November non-conference opponents, superimposed against those of a conference @totally chosen at random@:

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG, BIG TEN.